Listening....

Tate was in bed almost asleep at 7:11pm tonight.  In fact for the past 2 weeks or so he has asked to go to bed.  Of course part of this is that his beloved hippo and sue-y are patiently waiting for him upstairs in his crib, but he will invariably say between 6 and 615 'I want to go night-night.'  And up the stairs we go.  He grabs his loveys from the crib, reads some books to himself while I get his bath ready.  Then he places hippo and sue-y in 'their spot' by the tub and he plays for a bit, gets bathed and then he's out, usually within 10 minutes or so.  Then down to the business of going to bed :)  And lately he has fought to keep his eyes open during my singing him lullabies while rocking after prayers.  He easily goes into the crib and hasn't tossed and turned like he did for so many months until 730pm or so (though he never ever fussed about lazing around in bed).  Of course I know that this could all change on a dime, and so as I've finally learned when it comes to Tate and sleep I have GOT TO LET IT GO :).  I really cannot control when he falls asleep, so I get him to bed at a decent hour and have to leave it to him to fall asleep.  I spent more months than I can count trying to get Tate to sleep according to all the recommendations and once I realized he just needs less sleep than the 'average' baby our lives became soooooo much better.  Sheesh.  Soooooooo much better.


In any event as always I put him in the crib and came downstairs to decompress for 10-15 minutes with the intention of cleaning up, making lunches/snacks for tomorrow, starting packing to go to my parents on Wednesday and the myriad of items on my never ending to-do list.  


But tonight I listened to my exhausted body.  I just had absolutely no energy, so I laid down on the couch and took a nap until 917pm.  It felt great.  I woke up a few times in the midst of napping with then intentions of getting up in 10 minutes each time, but I just couldn't gather the strength.  I just didn't have it in me.


Will I be totally stressed tomorrow running around like a crazy person, doing laundry, making dishes for Thursday, packing...probably, but I hope to remember how good I feel tonight.  But I needed this.  I have not laid down on that couch since Tate was born with no other agenda besides just being a lazy bum.  It felt so good to pretend I had nothing else to do for those 120 minutes.


So, tonight I'm thankful that I listened to my body, mind and soul and just did something I wanted to do without a care as to what the repercussions would be.  It was like I finally put myself first.  And to most napping like that doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to me it is.  I have spent the past 28 months doing for someone else all the time.  And even when I go out with friends I'm anxious to get home, not because I don't want to leave Tate with someone else, but because I'm focused on (a) the fact that he'll be up at 515am and I'm going to be exhausted if I don't get home soon or (b) I could be doing 16 zillion things at home instead of being out.  That's just sad....a sad realization.


From now on when I'm able to go out and be with friends doing adult activities I'm going to do my best to enjoy where I am and who I'm with.  I need to put myself on the priority list.  And though I know I won't be partying it up until 1am because yes that little person of mine will be up singing at 515 in the morning, I can make the most of the time I have to myself.  I deserve it.  And Tate deserves a mother who can show him that self-love is almost if not more important than the love of someone else.  Because if we can't love and care for ourselves how can we really ever love or care for someone else?


On a completely different note,  Aunt Lindsey picked Tate up from daycare tonight.  She went running while he ate dinner and got ready to go to bed.  She came upstairs to read stories and say good night while I was getting things organized.  She decided to do some stomach exercises and of course Tate decided his lower abdomen needed some tending to...