Is Something Missing?

So I've never been one of those single mommies by choice who thinks that men are simply optional.  Am I saying that correctly?  I am definitely single by default, certainly not by choice.  I always, always wanted wanted to be a mother and a wife.  Always.  I got my dearest wish...to be a mother.  However, I miss not being someone's wife.  Companionship.  Intimacy.  Love.  Frustration.  Annoyance. Debating.  Caring.  Handy Man.


Handy Man.  I have some wonderful male friends, thank goodness.  Tate's godfather is one of my dearest, dearest friends.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  He makes me laugh, cry, take stock of myself and just enjoy my life more.  He lives in another state, and Tate has never met him.  We have been friends for 26 years having met in college.  I've seen him through more relationships than I can count and he has been there for me through my heartbreaks as well.  And through it all, we've always been just friends.  The best of friends.  I trust him more than anyone else I know actually.  So much so that if my sister, Lindsey and my parents are unable to care for Tate he will go live with his godfather, his wife and their 2 kids.  He's a role model I want Tate to have;  I desperately wish he lived closer.


But here in Houston, we have some amazing male friends as well.  Two of my favorites came over and saved the day yet again for me today.  My bedroom (that I share with Tate) ceiling fan/light was hanging by a thread and has been for over a month.  (having been jerry-rigged back together in November by Christian as he was racing to catch his flight back to Germany).    I saw Mike on Friday night and showed him the fixture asking if he thought it needed to be fixed ASAP.  He said probably sooner would be better, but he thought I was ok.  Lo and behold he texted me today to say he and Bryan were coming over to fix me up today.  These are the same two awesome guys who put together Tate's crib when I was 9 months pregnant and put up all 3 of my baby gates.  They were here an hour and a half.  When they weren't able to fix it to their liking they apologized all over the place saying they would come back asap...I just have to get a new fan.  They're just great.  Even now as I type this I'm brought to tears by how well they care for Tate and me.  I'm beyond blessed that he has them in his life, not only to show him how to do boy things, but to demonstrate men and friendship.  They as well as all the other guys in 'our tribe' are just good men.  They love their wives, their children, their families, their friends.   We all look out for each other.  That's why we call ourselves a tribe.  And I'm so lucky to be part of that.


So, having had them here today made me wish I had a partner.  I hate having to ask favors like this all the time though I know they really didn't mind.  But it's times like this that make me wonder 'what if?'
Granted I love not having to share Tate with anyone...LOVE IT!  But I would like to share my life with someone.  I have to remember...my life is spread out before me with many many years left.  But of course I'm impatient...now would be best in my opinion.


Tate had a great time with Bryan and Mike.  He pulled his little tool station out to help.  He had Mike reading him books, climbed the ladder with Bryan and encouraged Mike to take some breaks during the work time.  He's changing every single day.  He recognizes the color yellow now.  He loves skyping with Grandmommy and Granddaddy;  we also regularly skype with our friends Silke and Annabelle in NYC still.  He can say Annabelle amazingly well.  He says banana, tree, airplane, yellow, outside (he even stood by our balcony door last weekend and said outside, outside, so out we went and did bubbles).  He says bubbles, more (all the time).  He now eats cheerios in a bowl with milk after gobbling mine up yesterday and this morning.  He moved up to the next class in school and has done great.  He sits at the little table and chairs and eats his lunch and snacks.  I was worried he would try to eat other kids' food, but so far so good and his teachers watch him like a hawk.  He had his first sno-cone this past Friday while at daycare.  It was blue-coconut.  YUM!  I had a hair appointment, and I have finally given myself permission to take him to school for lunch and naptime, so I can get some things done that would totally bore him...doctors' and hair appointments, boring shopping.  He gets to spend 20 or 30 minutes eating with friends and he naps the rest of the time.  Every once in a while I do it;  I feel guilty most of the time, but know it's the best thing for both of us.


So, as I sit here tonight watching my beautiful boy on the monitor, typing this I wish I had someone to come kiss me on the head and say 'let's go on up to sleep, hon.'  I'm certainly not lonely, but I feel my aloneness the most these times right before sleep.   Then morning comes, and Tate is in his crib.  His face lights up when he sees my face.  He reaches down to grab his hippo and his teddy bear and reaches out for me.  We cuddle for just a minute and it's just perfect.  Me and my baby.  Life is good.

Bathtime fun!!

Helping Uncle Bryan find the right tools today!

Taking a break with Uncle Mike

Tate has his tool station ready!

20 months old!!

Life is simply amazing!!!

Time Just Passes By

Obviously, it's been a while.  It just seems like the days fly by!  My little boy will be 20 months old next Wednesday.  I cannot believe it.  Someone the other day made the comment 'she has a little boy who's almost 2.'  I definitely think him turning 2 will be much harder for me.  Turning one was so exciting and fun, but turning 2 makes me so sad.  He's really growing up.  He has been with me for almost 2 years.  I almost cannot remember what my life was like before him.  I do remember, and sometimes I miss it...the spontaneity, the travel, the meeting for drinks after work...it's hard sometimes.  Harder still that most of my friends can still do most of those things with ease as they have a partner.  Case in point:  2 Wednesdays ago, Kristen (mom to a 5 month old) sent out an email wanting a girls' night that Friday.  Everyone else just checks with the hubs and can plan accordingly.  I have to track down a babysitter. In 2 days.  Granted I was able to, and had a great time with the girls, but it's definitely not always that easy.  Yet, I don't want to spend any awake time away from him.  Where's the logic?


So, this past Monday Tate moved up to the next class at his little school.  As always I was super nervous, but I had been wondering when he would move up as he was the oldest in his class. (though he LOVED his teacher, and she adored him). He has two new teachers, both of whom he does know.  They say he's doing great and just fit in perfectly.  He even sits at a regular kids' table for snacks and meals!!  Such a little boy now. 


And OMG does he have an opinion now.  He still isn't a talker, but he can make his opinions, wants and desires known.  I sing to him as I dress and lotion him in the evenings some lullabies.  He will whine and shake his head if I sing one he doesn't want to hear.  So, I have to guess which to sing, but we usually get to it eventually.  These days he's all about 'Jesus Loves Me.'  I think they sing it at school alot.  He knows which books he wants to hear at bedtime and in what order as well.  So amazing.  Since the night he came home I have always read 'Good Night Moon' to him.  He still loves it.


He still loves cars and airplanes and will stop in his tracks if he sees or even just hears one or the other.  When we're playing on the floor, undoubtedly he will bring several books over to be read to.  He rarely likes to play with his toys unless it's his puzzles.  Books are just his absolutely favorite.  I love that he loves me to read to him;  it just makes it difficult to have him play by himself while I make dinner or do something that needs to be done as he wants me down on the floor reading to him constantly.


As I close this, I realize that Tate is living during such a tremulous time in our world.  The earthquake and resulting tsunami in Japan has our world in shock.  The unrest and violence in Libya and Egypt has us horrified.  How blessed is my little guy to be in the United States?  Protecting him from all the ills of the world is a daunting, impossible task.  It's something I know I can't do all the time, and my heart goes out to all those mothers around the world who haven't been able to do that for their children in these sad, hard last few months.