The Green Eyed Monster

I miss being pregnant.  I loved everything about being pregnant...ok almost everything.  I had a rough nine weeks there (week 5-14) where I bled constantly...every single day.  That was awful.  But that's another post for another day!

I miss being pregnant.   I have never felt as sexy or as womanly as I did while I was pregnant.  I felt healthy and truly alive.  I felt like I had found my purpose in life (cliche, but amazingly true).  I loved loved loved my prenatal yoga classes.  As hard as it was to get and stay in downward dog I loved the release and relaxation of my classes.  When I look into the yoga room when I'm at the Center these days I feel such longing and jealousy of those women who get to experience that time in their lives especially if they are first time moms.  I want to vaporize through the wall and be in those moments with them.  I want to know that absolute peace and calm again.

I miss being pregnant.  In that same vein I miss having a newborn.  I certainly don't miss the lack of sleep, but even today I'm sleep deprived as Tate is not a good sleeper. (he has gotten so much better though!!!)  I wish I could go back and get a do-over and do that first month over...doesn't every mom of a singleton wish that?  I want to just revel in the new life I created.  I want to hold Tate, smell him, just feel him in my arms, on my breast.  When I see tiny babies out and about my heart aches to have another or for Tate to just be that age one more time.  I remember people everywhere oohing and aahing over Tate at 2 weeks or 5 weeks or any of those other early weeks and telling me how fast it goes by.  Why do we never listen?  And here I am with my 67 weeker who people still ooh and aah over, but it's so not the same.  That nostalgic look of hope is no longer on faces of most people who see toddlers.

I miss being pregnant.  I want another baby, and I'm so jealous of those who can have two or three or four.  Though I don't think I could handle more than 2 single, married or other.  I want to hold a just born babe who cuddles up with those legs as he was in the womb.  I want that warm, downy skin next to mine.  I want Tate to have a sibling.     Spiritually and emotionally I'm dying for another baby and know I could so do it.  Physically, not so much...I'm 43.  My little eggs are probably not in the best shape.  I'm tired and drained by this time of night.  I don't know if I could do the every 2 1/2 - 3 hours ever again for nights, weeks and months on end.  Financially, I cannot see how I could do it.  Between the college, retirement, savings, fun/splurge money investments it's not possible.  But I want to be pregnant.

I miss being pregnant.  I see pregnant women and I'm jealous.  I want to be them.  I see newborns and I want to have one.  I want them to be mine.  I want that feeling of utter awe at the gift of life.

I miss being pregnant.  God blessed me with my wish to carry my own child.  How can I ask for more.  I felt every single kick, somersault and roll of Tate in my belly.  It was always him and I alone in the middle of the night when he started many a party.   Laying on my back watching my belly roll was extraordinary.  Seeing him move took my breath away. 

But you know what...he still takes my breath away.  Tonight when I came home he leaped into my arms with his big toothy grin.  I love his little tushy when he walks.  I love how he still cuddles up to me in the middle of the night..he still curls those legs up right beside me.  There is no place he would rather be than in my arms.  His little body is still warm with my love.  I ooh and aah over him all the time.   I get to see him somersault and turn and jump up and down in person now!  He is still all possibilities and hope. 

I miss being pregnant.  But I'm so glad I'm not missing out on the love that is Tate.

Wow!  Tate and I have had an amazing couple of weeks!

Last weekend he was a lion for Halloween.  And he was super cute if I say so myself.  His daycare had their annual fall festival, so I dressed him up and off we went.  Grandmommy came along with us.  We then ventured to the Motherhood Center for their annual party.  He took a great picture and got third place in their costume contest.  Granted it wasn't really a 'contest.'  We just had to have our friends vote for him...there was no real judging LOL!  But third place is respectable!  :)



Trick or Treating with fave neighbor Kristin



My cute little lion!



So, I have determined that once you have kids talking to random other parents is not only easy; it's also expected!  We go to the little playground at Memorial Park at least once a week.  I've been pleasantly surprised by how other parents also say at least hi!  There's always the convo...'ahhh, how old is she/he?'  It's been quite festive.  And last Saturday, Tate and I met a really nice mom and her daughter (just about a month younger than Tate).  I told her about the fall festival at our school that same day, and she showed up!  How cool is that?  We then exchanged phone numbers.  She lives right around the corner, so I'm hoping we can hook up to go to the park more often.

Not so thrilled at the Fall Festival!

That being said, I've always been leery of making friends with other women solely because we have kids.  Well, maybe leery is the wrong word...I guess I just don't quite get the point.  If the only thing we have to talk about is potty training or tantrums, what am I getting out of the relationship?  I've been so blessed to have such an amazing group of girlfriends;  and now most of them have kids or are having them.    It is nice to have people who are at the almost exact same point of motherhood as me, but I am so much more than a mother, though it rarely seems like it.  But were it not for my 'girls' I would lose my mind.  I love our book club, Sunday night dnners and random get togethers.  Sure we talk about our kids, but we also talk about just us!  Our lives, our happinesses, our sadnesses and boys :)  Ahhh, we shall see as this pans out over the years!

Me and my girls!

We are in the throes of full tantrum mode these days.  And most of the time I truly have no idea what has set Tate off.  I haven't taken a toy away, I haven't told him 'no don't touch that';  it's just totally random.  He will simply storm off, and I mean storm off and go to the corner, wall or cabinet and scream.  This will go on for 10-15 minutes...it's ridiculous.  I really don't get it.  Today at Target he was a nightmare, and I just don't know why.  Maybe he didn't want to be there?  Maybe he was hungry?  Or maybe he just wanted to embarrass me.  Who knows.  It was most unpleasant, but at least he is still at the age where I can have him in the cart still, so he can't throw himself out in the middle of the floor.  He just screamed the entire time in the cart.  I had to go in with him screaming as I needed the champagne and OJ for the baby shower I'm throwing with the girls tomorrow!

We had a sort of 15 month check up today.  Tate is 21 lb 13 oz; don't know how tall he is, but he's taller than most kids his age.  He still has a cough that has been lingering for over a month;  the ped thinks it's allergies, and as he's been on Omnicef for almost 2 weeks and not gotten better we're going to go with allergies.  I don't want to do another antibiotic because they are so bad for his little tummy.  He got his HIB vaccination today, and he did not cry at all!!  Not a peep.  I looked up to see when the nurse was going to give the shot, and she was cleaning up the mess.  She had already given it, and Tate had not flinched!!  Such a big boy!!