Then and Now

One week later.......

 

Tate has done amazingly well without his pacifier.  Amazingly.  He has not asked for it one time.  Not one time.  We started with Sue-Y Bear last Saturday when we returned from Build-a-Bear and he hasn't looked back.  AND he still wants his hippo!  The trains are a close second, and many times they are first, but he asks for hippo and Sue-Y Bear at night and at naptime.

He took his normal length naps on Saturday and Sunday.  Monday he did refuse to nap at all.  But he never once cried in his diatribe about not wanting to nap that went on for 1 hour and 27 minutes.  That night he was asleep at 6:10pm.

Sunday and Monday morning did find him up and crying at 4am.  He just wasn't able to go back to sleep when he 'woke' during that last sleep cycle, so I just put him in bed with me both nights, and he went right back to sleep.

Tuesday he was back at daycare where he hasn't had a pacifier since March of 2010. (Seriously)  Tuesday and Wednesday morning he woke at his normal time between 5 and 530am.  

But Wednesday and Thursday night were absolute hell.  

Wednesday night he woke up at 11:30pm screaming and crying hysterically.  It was a shock.  It was awful.  I jumped up to get him out of the crib to rock him, sleep with him, hold him.  Nothing worked.  He just wailed and wailed.  I wondered if he was having a nightmare, but it seemed like he was looking right at me.  I kept saying 'what's wrong?' 'does something hurt?' 'do you want something?'  No success.  No answers, just continued horrific crying.  Finally he lay down about an hour later with me and drifted back to sleep, but a horrible, fitful, kicking me sleep.   But he woke at 1:50am again upset and wailing.  This time the middle of the night tantrum only lasted about 30 minutes and he went back to sleep.  However, his sleeping was so fitful I didn't rest much at all.  

At 5:23am I heard "I'm finished with bedtime, Mommy."  A little pat on my back "Mommy I'm finished.  I'm finished with bedtime."  With a big smile on his sweet face.

Thursday night was even worse.  I climbed into bed at 10:10 and he was up screaming at 10:20.  And this went on until 11:55.  Crying, wailing, flailing about on the bed.  Me absolutely exhausted at the end of my rope.  I offered cheerios, milk, watching 'Thomas' on tv, playing with my phone, yogurt raisins, reading books and......the sue-y.  Yes the pacifier.  I was lost.

He wanted none of it, and in this almost 2 hour period of flailing about, laying down and moving all over the bed, me turning away from him, him laying sideways and kicking me, thrusting arms in my face, constant commotion wherein I laid still for about 10 minutes, and he absolutely refused to let me cuddle him in any way, shape or form.  Finally, I put his little face right in front of mine while he was hollering and hollered right in his face, so loud my throat hurt the next day, "WHAT DO YOU WAAANNNTTT???"  He was horrified.  He startled.  And then threw his arms around me and sobbed.  I started crying as well.  It was just horrendous.

I asked him again if he wanted some cheerios.  He hiccuped out the word 'yes.'  I gave him his Sue-Y Bear and his hippo and told him I would be right back.  I ran downstairs and got the cheerios and a sippy of water.  I climbed back in bed with him and opened up the ziploc of cheerios and offered it to him to hold.  He was shaking so hard he couldn't open the bag and couldn't even pick up the cheerios with me holding the bag.  My poor baby.  And this really worried me and elicited more tears from him.  I fed him the cheerios.  He sucked down some water and asked for more Cheerios.  I ran downstairs and got some more.  Then we laid down to sleep, him in my arms.  (and yes I brushed his teeth again :) )  But he was up again crying at 4.  More kicking and flailing about, and it last for a good 30 minutes.  Nothing I did helped.  He did finally lay down, but was moving all about, so I spent the next hour just dozing and every time he moved checking to make sure he didn't fall out of the bed.  Though I have rails on my bed he was moving in such a manner that he practically lifted himself up many times as he manuevered around the bed.  Thankfully my mom was staying with him Friday, so we were able to sleep in a bit since I didn't have to give him breakfast, dress him and get him to daycare.  But 6:30 came really early when I'd only slept maybe 3 1/2 hours and not in a row.

And he was fine and happy as a clam when he woke up both mornings.  I started to wonder if he has an ear infection, but he has tubes, and I've seen no drainage.  He has absolutely no fever.

Yesterday he started coughing and being congested.  Green gunk in his nose.  I had stopped his zyrtec about 3 weeks ago because the weather was better and he wasn't seeming congested, though I continued his Singulair.  

So, is he getting sick?  He acts absolutely fine during the daytime.  He took a great nap yesterday for my mom.  He was asleep last night by 7:30 and THEN he slept until 6:04 this morning.  Around midnight he cried out for about 2-3 minutes, but went right back to sleep.  That was it.

He has been coughing today, but the cough isn't nearly as productive as it was yesterday.  And it's not croupy at all.  The congestion seems better, and his nose is running clear and isn't nearly as gunky.  However, now at 1040pm his cough has been dry, not quite hacking.  And has been like that for the past 6-8 hours.  It's not keeping him awake, though he does have some spurts where he coughs every 2-3 minutes while he's up there sleeping.  He went down pretty easily tonight as well, though didn't fall asleep until closer to 8.  But that's because he took an almost 2 hour nap today and didn't wake until after 2pm.  However, he was more than happy to be in his crib at 7:30.

So,  now I guess I wait.  I'm running the humidifier;  we have a warm mist one after using a cool mist one for quite some time with no real results.   I pray he's not getting sick.  I pray that this dry cough is not a symptom of asthma.  One of our allergists has recommended that we start allergy shots when he turns 3 to help prevent the atopic march...eczema--->allergies--->asthma.  We are at allergies; we want to stop before asthma hits because that's a horrid disease and the treatment is worse;  the long term effects are ones I don't want to even consider.

So, I'm going to head off to bed to hopefully get some sleep.  He hasn't coughed now in about 15 minutes, but I'm worried that he will be off and on all night.  Of course that means my sleep will be disrupted just as his is.  My sweet boy. Such a trooper.

Oh and he's never once asked for his sue-y.  

Where did my baby go???

THEN

NOW

The Week Tate Turned 30 Months Old (2 1/2 Years Old)

Yes 30 months old, because saying Tate is 30 months old makes it seems like he is still a baby.  Yes, a baby.  My baby.  2 1/2 sounds soooo old.  Where have 2 1/2 years gone?


So much has happened this week, or so it seems to me when I'm in full Mommy mode.  It's probably not nearly as exciting to anyone else, but hey this blog is about me and my boy!


This morning after a very difficult night I was awakened by my sweet boy saying "I'm finished with bedtime, Mommy."  "Mommy, I'm finished."  Oh and by the way it was 5:23am.  I myself was in no way, shape, or form finished with bedtime.  I gathered him up and put him in his crib with his Sue-Y bear and hippo. 


Yes, he was in bed with me because last night after telling me at 7:10p he wasn't ready for bed but wanted to be in the crib with absolutely nothing he had a really bad night's sleep.  He fussed and cried initially when I laid him in the empty crib sans stuffed animals, trains, and pillow.  I returned to the room, rocked him and put him back in the crib around 7:30.  He didn't fall asleep until a bit before 8.  I crawled into bed around 1030, much later than I wanted to...  At 11:30 I woke to Tate crying and crying.  I got him out of the crib and put him in bed with me.  But he was soooo upset, didn't want to be held, didn't want to be hugged.  He was sitting up and all over the place.  I asked if something hurt and he just wouldn't answer.  I think we finally dozed, but he was all over the bed.  At 1:50am he woke fully, fussing and crying again.  Again, no response to my questions about what was wrong.  I was beyond exhausted at this point, but I put him in my lap on the bed and just rocked him back to sleep.


5:23am
"I'm finished with bedtime Mommy!"


I certainly wasn't finished with my bedtime, but I digress.  Our morning continued with me half-asleep.


He refused to put on clothes to go to daycare.  This is a battle I refuse to fight in the mornings, so off he went in his Thanksgiving pajamas.  I did manage to sneak a hoodie on his head as he got in the car, but he was happy as a clam to be in his pajamas at school. 


Tuesday and Wednesday were uneventful, as we returned to our normal routine after being off Friday- Monday which means I'm working tomorrow.


Monday, however, was a big big day!  It was January 23, 2012!  Tate's half birthday!  He turned 30 months old!  2 1/2 years old!!  We hung out at home all morning, playing with trains and in his tunnel, reading books and being silly.  When he came downstairs I had a Thomas pillow pet and Thomas blanket waiting for him!  He was so excited!!  He had to practice using it, by lying down and pretending to be asleep on the pillow and under the blanket.  Then he had to include his beloved trains in the exercise for even more fun!

We hung out most of the morning then headed out for a lunch date to celebrate 2 1/2 years together!  We ventured to Barnaby's where I had a most delicious hamburger and french fries and Tate noshed on chicken nuggets from home and their french fries.  We had a really nice time.  I really enjoyed lunching with my son!  This life together just keeps getting more and more perfect!

Our other lunch guests, and they had to be lined up 'just right'

As perfect as our life is, Tate did not want to nap once we were home.  I don't know if he was just too worked up after lunch, if I missed the window to put him down as we did get home about 15 minutes when I usually put him down.  In any event, nothing worked to get him to nap.  Not rocking him.  Not lying down with him in my bed.  Not leaving him in the crib alone.  However, he did spend 1 hour and 27 minutes 'resting' and not fussing in any way at all, so I just gave over to the no nap.  I did some things around the house while checking him on the monitor, then went on and let him get up around 1:45.  

We hung out some more, then headed off to the big kid playground to play before the big kids got out of school!  He had an absolute blast, and I loved watching him run around and admiring his talents on the big, twirly slide!!

We ran off to Whole Foods for some groceries, came home and had dinner.  All the while celebrating 30 months on this gorgeous planet of ours.  In light of the no nap I intended to put him to bed early for the night....he was in bed sound asleep at 10 after 6pm!


Sunday, I had intended to take him to church, but Christian was in Frankfurt with his parents and they wanted to skype, so we did.  Tate LOVES showing off for them when we 'talk' to them.  He runs around grabbing all his toys and books to show them, he dances for them, but he won't say much...so very funny.


After naptime we headed over to my parents' for a bit.  I try to be sure Tate spends as much time as possible with them, so I try to be sure he sees them at least once a week.  He runs around their house like he owns it.  Looking back on those first 8 months of his life I can barely remember spending those long weeks at their house while they babysat Tate for me when I was working.  I would spend 2 weeks there, then my mom would spend 2 weeks here at my place with Tate and I being home at our house on the weekends.  Those months are an absolute blur.  I have almost no memory of them and that saddens me.  I suppose that sleep deprivation really takes a toll.  And looking back I know I was exhausted.  Between pumping every night over night when he woke to nurse, which was at 1am and 4am, pumping before I went to bed at 10, making the majority of his baby food myself, working full time, being on call every other week and 2 weekends a quarter, trying to see friends, doing laundry, keeping the house a bit clean (thank goodness for my housekeeper), cooking minimally (my mom cooked alot if I remember correctly) and everything else that goes along with having a life I can't believe I made it through.  So much of that exhaustion I brought on myself.  Pumping like that was insane, but since I produced so little milk and it was so important to me that Tate get as much breastmilk as possible and he abhorred formula that I went a little overboard.  And making and storing all that food...great for his health, not so great for mine.


But we're here.  I'm here.  30 months in and we're doing awesome together.


I have a child, a son, a little boy.  A small person who is an amazing part of me.  


Here's to 30 more weeks, 30 more months, 30 more years, 30 more decades, 30 more millennia.  Together.


How do I love him?
January 26, 2012  I love watching his little legs carry him up the stairs swiftly and with great determination!
January 25, 2012  I love how empathetic he is. He recognizes when people and 'things' in books are sad. (ie Thomas the train).  He always wants to give them hugs or kisses or will offer 'them' his hippo and Sue-Y bear.
January 24, 2012  I love those big huge hugs he gives me right after bathtime when we're by the bed and I'm drying him off.  Those sweet little arms wrapped around my neck, that face in my neck just brings me such joy and peace.
January 23, 2012  I love having this gorgeous, generous, loving, funny, precious boy in my life for these amazing 2 1/2 years.

January 22, 2012  I love how much he loves his grandparents.

Just For Fun-A Blog Game!

My sweet friend at This May Be a Dream Come True has invited me to play this blog game.  I won't finish tonight, because I want to get in bed in a timely fashion.  But hopefully I'll get it done before the end of the week :)

The rules:

1. you must post the rules

2. post eleven facts about yourself on the blog post

3. answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post,and then create eleven new questions for the people you've tagged

4. tag people and link them on your post

5. let them know you've tagged them.

Sadly, I have no idea to do #5, so hopefully the people I tag will be chomping at the bit to be checking on my blog this week!!

Eleven Facts About Me

1.  I'm a Yankee born and bred.  I was born in NYC, lived there about 3 years then lived in Baltimore for 5 1/2 and got to Texas as fast as I could (thanks to my dad and his job!)

2.  I always wanted to be a writer.

3.  I'm a terrible skier, but I love it.  And I'm deathly afraid of heights...go figure.

4.  I love to travel, and my favorite places I've visited are Australia (dying to go back), Hawaii, and Prague.

5.  I can't wait until I can travel with Tate, and though I want to take him internationally, I want to see these gorgeous United States with him as I've never been to Yellowstone National Park, Big Bend, The Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore and many more.

6.  I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom.
7.  I hate when my foods touch on a plate.  I love those plates with the dividers.
8.  I have a really hard time letting go.  Of people mostly, things not so much.  Once you're in my life I'm hard pressed to let you go no matter what.
9.  I used to substitute teach aerobics.
10.  I really see no difference between a Mac and a PC.
11.  I love tulips.

Questions to answer from Lara...

Are you eating ice cream right now?  Sadly, no.  I LOVE ice cream!  Blue Bell ice cream is the best!
Why not?  I'm at work, no access

Can you make spaghetti sauce from scratch? No

Why in the world would you do that? Seriously!!
Have you ever forgotten the birthday of someone important to you? No

What is your favorite cookie? My grandmother's homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies; my mom makes them now...they are almost as good as my grandma's.
Do you have some in the house now? (I'll wait while you check) Np

Do you live within 100 miles of where you were born? No

Can you ice skate? No

Do you take those little soaps from hotel rooms? No

What about the shampoo? No, I've got black girl hair...enough said!

Questions for Shannon, Abby, Tamara, Lara and Barb

1.  If you could live in another time period which period would you choose and why?
2.  Are you more like your mother or your father?
3.  Are you the oldest, youngest, middle, second to youngest etc in  your family?
4.  What is one thing you want to do before you turn 50 that you haven't done yet?
5.  Do you use the pillows and blankets on airplanes?
6.  What's your favorite color?
7.  What is your favorite movie?
8.  Are you a morning person or a night owl?
9.  When your doctor suggests a protocol for you and/or your kids do you follow it no questions asked (including not googling the issue BEFORE deciding)?
10.  Have you ever farted during a massage?
11.  What size shoe do you think I wear?

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Well today Tate (okay I) put Tate's Sue-Y in his new Build-a-Bear aptly named Sue-Y.  I've been talking up for the past week that this weekend (a) All his sue-ys were going to the paci-fairy for the babies (to which he always responded 'Santa is coming again!!!') (b) Thomas the Train would come live with him once he did this (I have a Thomas pillow pet in the car as well as a small Thomas engine).  We've been reading "No More Sue-Ys (Pacifiers) for Piggy" all week at bedtime substituting Tate's name for Piggy's.


So this morning we had a leisurely morning, though sadly I think I got down on the floor with Tate for 10 minutes to play.  Where does the time go in the mornings?  What do I do that keeps me from hanging out with my son?  Sigh...  Anyway, we got loaded up in the car, sue-y and hippo in my purse along with snacks and water.  We were at the Galleria just after 10am.  We stroll over to Build-A-Bear, where a party is just getting started, so it's loud and lots of screeching little girls are running in!  Tate is busily munching away on his cheerios and is not wanting to be distracted to choose a bear.   I give him several choices before I decide on the Allergy and Asthma Bear which he agrees upon.  I convince him to get out of the stroller by taking his hippo and his sue-y out of my purse.  The very nice worker, Daniel, has been informed of what is going on, and is very kind and sweet to Tate.  We walk over to put the stuffing in our bear along with the sue-y which Tate is gripping with superhuman force.  Daniel fills the bear's head up with stuffing and then asks Tate to put his sue-y in the bear, for then he will always have his sue-y with him.  Tate refuses and runs behind me, between my legs and the tears begin.  I squat down and try to convince him to no avail.  Finally, I sadly tug his little green sue-y out of his hands and place it into his bear.  A bit anti-climatic (and I got no photos as Tate was so upset).  Tate wouldn't help fill the bear up by pressing on the button, so I did it for him.  Then Daniel offered Tate two hearts to put in his new bear and to make a wish with a kiss.  Tate sweetly kissed the hearts and I wished for good sleep and into the new bear they went.  We went and made our bear's birth certificate and named her Sue-Y.


Initially Tate wanted nothing to do with our sweet bear.  He did request that I 'open it' meaning open it and take his pacifier out of it, but other than that the bear was ignored.


We checked out after procuring a birthday outfit complete with shoes and cell phone for Katherine's birthday present and headed out into the mall with me carrying the bear and Tate noshing on his Cheerios in his stroller.  A quick stop in my favorite children's clothing store garnered Tate a very cute pair of Christmas pajamas for next year!  And then...


We rode the Galleria Train!!


JOY!! JOY!!
HAPPY!!  HAPPY!!

Tate wanted Sue-Y Bear out of the box so she could enjoy the ride, which we did two times!!!  And hippo had to join the festivities as well.  He held onto both in the stroller on the walk back to the car and happily played with Sue-Y Bear on the ride home.  Once home, he grabbed Sue-Y Bear and as he was running up the stairs with her, he told the bear "Now Mommy can open it!"


Lunch was given and naptime commenced.  I had decided I would rock him or lay down with him or whatever he needed these first few days for sleep time, knowing I get frustrated after 20 minutes or so of him flopping about etc.  And flop about he did.  There were no tears, no whining, no pouting about going to sleep with just hippo and Sue-Y Bear, but he refused to lay in my arms, refused to put his head on my shoulder.  I rested my head in the rocker with my eyes hoping he would get the hint.  Finally, after 25 minutes I just put him in the crib and went downstairs.  15 minutes of him throwing everything out and having loud conversations with anyone he felt could hear I went back up and got him out of the crib.  We picked Sue-Y Bear and hippo up off the floor and I sat back in the rocker with him.  And again with the tossing and turning, but within probably 5 minutes he laid his head on my shoulder and finally drifted off to sleep at 12:54.  I opted to just hold him while he slept.  At 2:35pm we were sweat drenched and awake.  And he immediately hopped off my lap and stood by the chair crying.  Not out and out crying, no screaming, just sad little crying which did escalate to whining.  I offered everything from his hippo and Sue-Y Bear to yogurt raisins, to his trains (and he is pissed at his Henry train for breaking after he insisted upon taking that poor electric train into the pool during swim lessons yesterday, but that's a whole other post) to cheerios, to watching Thomas on the tv, to playing on my phone.  Nothing worked.  He just wanted to cry.  I gathered up our stuff and made my way downstairs knowing he would follow which he did.  I put together snacks for our ride out to Susan and Dan's and got his bear and hippo. He refused to put on his pants and shoes, so I backed off that immediately and said he could go as he was...shirt, diaper and socks.  (It's in the 70s here).  He didn't want to go even when I reminded him he could play with Katherine and Alex.  So I made my downstairs telling him I would go without him.  He quickly maneuvered the stairs to join me.  Still didn't want to put on more clothing or really go out to the car, but he believes that I will leave him as a few weeks ago when he was throwing a HUGE tantrum I got in the car, started it and locked the doors.  He got in the carseat willingly enough, all the while still a boo-hooing.  He boo-hooed all the way there...about a 30 minute ride.  Certainly there were long spells of sad quietness, but if I asked if he was ok, or wanted to hear a certain song the crying commenced.  We arrived at 3:40 and he stopped crying immediately and walked into the house clutching Sue-Y Bear and his hippo.


He had a great time playing with the big kids, mostly Katherine.  They drew and colored and played some matchbox cars.  Alex was doing some sort of video game that held Tate's interest for about 5 minutes :)  Strangely enough about 30 minutes into our visit Tate came downstairs with his right eye red and swollen.  We have no idea what he got a hold of, but I gave him some Benadryl immediately.  And I must say I had grabbed the epi-pens and Benadryl off the counter on the way out as an afterthought today.  They were on the counter because last night I had a sitter for Tate, so I had put them out there for her to use if needed.  As I was putting stuff in my purse this afternoon I cannot believe I actually debated leaving the stuff behind.  I just thought to myself, Susan is well aware of Tate's allergies and we're not going to eat anything while we're there, why bother?  Then I thought 'Are you serious?  Why bother? What a stupid thing to think?  Grab that stuff!!'  Soooo very glad I did.  Into Tate at 410 went 12.5 mg of Benadryl.  His eye was still a bit red at bedtime, so I may need to give him another dose in the middle of the night.  I certainly hope not.


He had his snacks on the way home, so dinner was pretty much a bust, but he downed his favorite, plain Greek yogurt and a bit of applesauce and about 4 oz of milk.  He was sure to tell his grandparents on skype "I had fun with Katherine today."


Bedtime went fairly well after lots of tears for yet again no reason I could ascertain.  He never once asked for his pacifier when I asked over and over what he wanted or needed (as I did this afternoon).  I told him he didn't have to sit on the potty and the didn't have to take a bath.  This seemed to appease him a bit and he happily hopped up on the bed and got his pjs put on and his teeth brushed with his favorite ice cream toothpaste (note to self...put that stuff where he can't reach it...he was eating it earlier, thank goodness it's fluoride free and all natural!).  He read me 3 stories..."Green Eggs and Ham" "No More Pacifiers for Piggy" and "Christmas in Wellsworth" and quite well I might add.  I then turned around and read the same 3 to him with Sue-Y Bear and hippo in his hands.  Tonight the trains were not invited to the party.  I rocked him to sleep and put him in his crib at 7:28pm.  


I have no idea what the overnight holds for the 2 of us, or what the next few nights and days of naps hold.  He didn't cry once tonight for his pacifier, but he clutched that precious bear.  


Maybe he gets it?  Maybe having something to replace the sue-y is what he needed.  He hasn't tried to suck his fingers either.  I know very well tomorrow is another day.  And as thrilled as I am to have the next 2 days home with him, I'm stressed and worried about what happens when he realizes the sue-y is still in the bear.  He's been really great the past 2 weeks, not searching for the hippo and pacifier when he's upset.  He's figured out how to calm himself.  Which in and of itself was so strange, but then again my fault as prior to his surgery in October I didn't let him have the pacifier except at sleeptime.  After the surgery I let him have it when he simply could not calm himself down after 10-15 minutes of throwing a fit.  But live and learn.  


I still have the Thomas pillow pet, as well as a Henry pillow pet, and ummm yeah a Thomas blanket in the trunk of my car.  Ok and 3 Thomas books in the pantry.  


Yes I need crutches.  We'll see if any get saved for Valentine's or Easter or his birthday....


And on the love front.  My sweet sweet boy....


January 21, 2012  I love listening to my sweet little boy read his books out loud.  I sit there in amazement and awe that he can read even the longest books with the most words so very well.  
January 21, 2012  Today I have 2...I loved that this morning after I changed his diaper that he threw his little baby boy arms around my neck, pulled back and looked at me and said "Thank you for changing my diaper, Mo-mee".  Then he gave me a sweet kiss on the lips then skipped off to his trains.  Completely unbidden by me!!


January 20, 2012  I love that though he didn't want to do swim lessons that he did them anyway and only cried for about 3 minutes.

January 19, 2012  I love watching his shovel cheerios and milk into his mouth.  How does he get that huge spoon in his mouth?  Because he LOADS it up!!

Off to hopefully an uneventful blissful night of sleep!!

Catching Up On Love!

January 18, 2012    I love how Tate's eyes are so gorgeous when they well up with tears.  Is it wrong to think he looks beautific when he is most sad?  This morning he had those eyes at daycare drop-off.  He simply has not wanted to go this week.  My parents kept him Monday since his school was closed for MLK Day and he's been out of sorts since.  But those big, gorgeous eyes...so expressive in their sadness. Breaks. My. Heart.


January 17, 2012  I love how empathetic my little boy is.  We were looking at an Elmo book, and Elmo is very sad in one of the pictures.  Tate told me "Elmo's sad.  Elmo needs hippo and sue-y".  He skipped off to find the two loveys and put them against the picture in the book.


January 16, 2012  I love how much Tate loves my parents.  They spent the day together, and I've never seen 3 happier people.


January 15, 2012  I love how Tate is starting to form real opinions.  Ok, maybe I don't love that so much, but I certainly can love how he's learning how to assert himself (when done in a nice, non-screeching way).  Today he didn't want to wear his Texans jersey.  Of course that's almost sacri-religious to me, so yes he ended up wearing it, but it was the first time he has had an opinion on clothing.  And it's so cute when we do the Texans chant.  I say "I say Houston, you say Texans!  Houston...!  And he says "Go, Go Texans!"


January 14, 2012   I love how much Tate finds so much joy in running around and learning new things.  We went to Gymboree today, and he just had a blast.  He's never cried or fussed or shied away from doing any of the activities.  Sure, he's refused to do some because what he was already doing was so much more fun.  But he's always be adventurous and I certainly don't have to hover over him to make sure he doesn't fall or hurt himself.  I am definitely not a helicopter parent, and I believe it shows in his decisiveness and his confidence.

In Remembrance of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today is January 16, 2012, the day after what would have been Martin Luther King, Jrs' 83rd birthday.


What will Tate grow up learning about this amazing man?  Certainly, hopefully more than I learned in school.  I definitely learned that he was a man of strong convictions, an open and loving heart, proud, courageous, an amazing and moving speaker and a man who changed the world he lived in.  But what do I really know about him?  I should know more.  As it is my parents grew up revering him.  They grew up 'with' him in their midst. They grew up sitting in the backs of the buses he wanted de-segregated.  They grew up drinking from the colored water fountains he wanted dismantled.  They grew up eating in only certain restaurants that he wanted open to all.  They grew up using second and third hand books in schools when all he wanted was a fair and good education for all.  So I should know more.  Why don't I know more?  Is it because I'm scared to know what my life could have really been like?  Is it because to know would shame me for taking all that I have and all that I've been allowed for granted?  And what's worse, I wonder who I would have been had I grown up in the 40s, 50s and the 60s, black. 


Black in the 40s, 50s, and the 60s.


A black woman in the 40s, 50s and the 60s.


Sitting in the back of the bus.  Would I have been like Rosa Parks and refused?


Sitting in the 'colored only' parts of restaurants.  Would I have participated in sit-ins?


Using 'colored only' restrooms.  Would I have ridden on the buses of the Freedom Riders and gone into the 'white only' restrooms?


I fear I wouldn't have done any of those things. 


And that doesn't make me very proud of myself.


And imagine had I had a child, my child, my black child, my black son in the 50s.  (Forgetting for the moment that his father is German, white and German).


A black son in the 50s.  As a mother what would I have done to make him realize he was all that he needed to be.  The color of his skin was not nearly as important as the content of his character.  That though he would be scorned and despised he was loved by God and he was as worthy as any other human being on this planet.


Would I have been woman enough, proud enough to risk my very life to be sure he knew these things?


I fear I wouldn't have been.


And that in and of itself makes me immensely sad.


Oh I would have complained.  I would have marched in protests.  I would have made phone calls and attended meetings.  But would I have risked my life to single myself out? 


Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rosa Parks
Harriet Tubman
Medgar Evers
Ruby Bridges
Frederick Douglass
Sojourner Truth
Malcolm X


These are the men and women I need to make sure Tate know about.  For without them and many, many more he would most definitely not be here today.  I stand on their backs; I ride on their coattails;  I am because they were braver than I can ever imagine being.  This I know for sure.  


I am one generation away from having to sit in the back of the bus.


One generation.


I am one generation away from to use 'colored only' bathrooms.


One generation.


One.


And yes we have a black president.  President Barack Obama.  Oh my, and if Dr. King had been alive on November 4, 2008 he would have been so proud.  


But he would also know that though we had made it to the mountain top we have not made it to the other side.  And even today, January 16, 2012 we have not made it to the other side.  And I may not make it there with Tate, but my prayer for him is that this gorgeous, smart, funny black son of mine makes it to the other side.

May he run, run, run to the other side.

Starbucks, Sperm and Support

This post will probably be all over the place.  Please bear with me. :)


There's a show on 20/20 tonight about couples who use sperm donors found online on websites who are donating for free.  The couple highlighted in the 'ad' for 20/20 is married, and the husband's vasectomy is irreversible.  The couple have adopted two foster children (out of about 60 whom they fostered) and the woman wants to experience pregnancy.  She's young (33), and they have endured fertility methods and high financial costs.  So this is their next step.  They've found a donor, flew across the country to meet him and procured his sample and inseminated.  (whether they have been successful is not discussed or alluded to in the advertisement)


And obviously this manner of sperm donation is open to anyone, single mothers, lesbian couples, married/ partnered couples.


And then on my single mothers group there has been some discussion.  Of course.


And it broke my heart to read the comments.  From ewwww to I could never do that.


EWWWW??  


Because the news story ad includes a tagline that in Starbucks across the country men and women are going to bathroom for the exchange, people are skeeved out.  Really?  Seriously?  I fathom a guess that much much more goes on in all the bathrooms around the world from Starbucks to McDonalds that would skeeve me out much much more.


From 'concerns' about what testing is or isn't being done to the possible legal  ramifications, many of the women are jumping in to discredit or at least judge this method.


Would I do it?  I don't know.  But wait, didn't I just about do this?  I had met Christian once.  One time.  One day.  In Australia.  We had spent maybe a grand total of 10 hours together, and only about 2 together alone.  As alone as you can be when there are 4 people at your dinner table.


Christian and I had spent less than one day together.  Granted we emailed and 'got to know each other' over the internet, but really and truly we were strangers.  When he flew over here for that week in August I was a basket case, as I had decided to use him as my 'donor' if we still 'clicked' while he was here and he cleared some basic testing by my RE.  And honestly, we tested for the normal STDs (remembering he had been tested that March in Germany; those results weren't allowable in the states) and tested him for CMV (seriously who cares?) and did as thorough a medical history as could be done.  No psych testing for either of us.  His sperm was tested for mobility and motility and he was pretty good to go.  He was HIV- at that visit, almost 6 months from his March test.  His swimmers were quarantined, I began my 6 month wait for IUI and/or IVF.


And while he was here that August I decided we would try our method.  Though I had no clue if I was ovulating or really what I was doing, we went for it.  It was funny, silly and yeah we knew it wouldn't work.  


He returned in October of that year, and in July of the following year Tate Christopher arrived.


Was I crazy?  Was I irresponsible?  


Most importantly...was it ewwwy?  


Hell no.


Tate was conceived in a blanket of love, hope and beauty.  And he was wanted.


Just the same as these kids are.


We don't know what people are going through when it comes to infertility and the desire, the need to have children.  Let's give them a break.


And will some of it be fraught with difficulties, legal or otherwise.  Of course.  But no more so than can happen with a married couple who divorces acrimoniously or someone who uses an anonymous donor who decides he just HAS to know if he has a child(ren) out there or the anonymous donor with ID release who decides he wants to have a role in the lives of the kid(s) he's created.  


And that's because we're human beings.


Human beings change and grow.


What we wanted for our children pre-birth is almost assuredly completely different from what we want from them 2 months, 2 years, 12 years or 20 years in.  I know for a fact that what I want for Tate where Christian is concerned has definitely changed.  And I'm working on knowing that's ok.  Because now that Tate is here, I want something different for him...now.  Ask me in 3 years;  I may have changed my  mind.


So I'm going to go watch 20/20 tonight.  I'm going to post this before the episode.  I'm sure I'll come back tomorrow or this weekend with some other thoughts.  Brace yourselves.


I love my little guy!  I wouldn't change a thing about how he came to be!


January 13...I love watching his face light up during swim lessons when he looks up and sees me in the observation deck.
January 12...I love when we 'race' to the car together at daycare pick-up
January 11...I love when I show him the letter 'J' and ask what it stands for and he says Mom-my, Jennifer!  Just melts my heart!

Give Him a Break

'Give him a break.'  That's what my neighbor suggested to me this morning when Tate was almost hysterical after I half-snapped him into his carseat.  He is almost 2 1/2 and words cannot express how things have changed.  Everyone warned me about 2 1/2.  I guess I shamelessly thought it wouldn't happen to me, but it has.  My amenable, easy-going child has learned how to say complete sentences.


"I don't want to brush my teeth."
"I don't want dinner."
"I don't want to take a bath."
"I don't want milk right there on my Cheerios."
"I don't want to wear the fox shirt."
"I don't want to go potty."

You get the idea.


And then there's the..


"I want yogurt raisins Mommy" screeched at the top of his lungs first thing in the morning.
  But wait..not in there, in there, no not in there, on that.  Meltdown because somehow, someway that's not what he meant.


Then there are the random meltdowns.  No reasons, just constant whining.


So this morning, he wanted cheerios for breakfast.  I wasn't fast enough.  Yes he wanted yogurt, no he didn't want yogurt.  Somehow I got it all wrong.  Then he decides he wants oatmeal.  Tears stop as I make the oatmeal.  I put ice in it to cool it off.  I give it to him (and oh yea he's got that damn pacifier because he already melted down about leaving it in the crib this morning, though yesterday he threw it in there upon waking!).  Then it's too cold.  Too cold Mommy.  I want it warm.  Ok I'll make you some more. I don't want anymore Mommy;  I want this.  It's too cold.  


And then the crying ensued.  He ate 3 yogurt covered blueberries for breakfast.


Getting dressed was an ordeal.  He didn't want to change.  He didn't want to pee on the potty, but after peeing in his diaper he didn't want to be changed.  And the shoes, the shoes.  We wrestled to get the shoes on.  What a disaster.  I was sweating.  He was too.  I felt like I was manhandling my poor son.


 I refused to let him take his pacifier and hippo in the car with him.  Granted I told him he could take the hippo, but that just leads to hysteria if he has to leave the sue-y.  He refused to come down the stairs.  Oh and it was 43 degrees;  I wanted him in a coat.  A recipe for disaster.


He laid out on the floor, crying absolutely hysterically.  Not just mad, but sad, distraught, out of control.  


We got downstairs to the tile floor and he practically threw himself to the ground to not put his coat on. I practically yelled 'FINE,  FREEZE THEN!'  I picked him up none too gently and we headed out to the car.  What a nightmare...raring back, bucking bronco, all the while screaming and crying like his world was coming to an end.  I got his arms buckled in amidst dodging his arms and legs, and I couldn't get the crotch part of the belt done.  I had had it.  I did something I never do.  I spanked his little pull-up covered heiny 3 times.  (with no change in hysteria from him!).  That's when I realized we had both gone too far.  Me for spanking in anger (something I said I would never do;  I don't even believe in swats on the hand!) and he was just inconsolable.  I stood beside the car with my head on my hands in tears.  


And my neighbor came outside to go to work.  He has 3 kids..5 1/2, 4 and 2 1/2 year olds.  I just looked at him and said "Tate's just a-screaming."  And he said "Give him a break.  With 3 kids I know.  It's not worth it.  Give him a break."  My response was "I'm going to be late for work"  His response..."Who cares?"  And I thought to myself he is right.  What's more important here...calming my child and myself down so we can have a pleasant separation in a few minutes and no regrets or getting to work on time upset, stressed and my baby completely beside himself and missing me.  


Who cares.


I ran upstairs and got his hippo and sue-y.  Came back down and unbuckled him (I had told him I was going to get his things).  Held him close in my arms and apologized amidst our tears.  We stood there for a few minutes while we collected ourselves.  At daycare he had a difficult time separating from me as I expected, but there were no tears.  He just wanted his teacher to hold him a minute.


Pick-up was great.  He ran up to me and wanted to be held immediately.  I had to carry him to the car with his head on my shoulder :)  He has become very cuddly lately and I absolutely love it.  Tonight was great...well he had 3 bowls of cheerios for dinner, but meh he ate great at daycare, so no harm.  


And now he's sound asleep, and I will be joining him soon.


I'm going to remember that from now though.  'Give him a break.'  Sometimes that's just what he needs as well as me.  The dishes will still get done, clothes will be washed, Gymboree will be there even if we're late and work will be there.  I can't always be late, and I have to care at some point.  But my child, my family is my priority and that's how life should be.  And sometimes we both just need a break.

January 10, 2012...I love that he can speak in complete sentences !!
January 9, 2012...I love his sweet crossbite smile!
January 8, 2012...I love watching him enjoy his favorite pasttime..riding the train at the Hermann Park Train at the zoo!!