Pulling Away

I think it's happening and I'm not ready!!

I'm sensing that Tate is pulling away from me.  He's growing up.  He's finding out that he can have his own opinion.  He's realizing that he can have things in common with his friends that I'm not privy to.

And I don't like it.  Not one bit.

Over the past two months we've had several power struggles...I ask or tell him to do something and he doesn't respond or do what I've asked the first time.  That might sound strange, but Tate has always been a child who would do what I asked or said almost always the first time.  If I said "Come here" he would come here.  If I said "Please walk on the sidewalk" he'd do so with no questions.  Now I'm getting "Why?"  "Do I have to?" "Why can't I do X instead?"  I find myself repeating the very words I always hated hearing from my mom "Because I said so."  And I know now why she said that...because sometimes I just don't have the energy required to tell him why or I simply don't want to.  Because if I tell him to walk on this side of me in the parking lot because I see the cart careening toward him and he's obliviously talking to me he needs to just move.  By the time he's asked me why, he's almost getting hit.

I find myself getting frustrated and parenting in a way I can't stand...just tonight I got so annoyed I told him that each time I have to ask him to do something a second time I'm taking away one of his beloved Disney Infinity characters.  Sigh...I hate parenting with negativity.  This decision was made in a moment of frustration, so I'll definitely talk with him about it tomorrow and come up with a new plan.

I think I need to find some patience and realize that my days of dictatorship are over :).  His questioning and wondering why the rules are the rules is really healthy.  It's indicative of his thought processes, trying to understand the world around him and I've got to realize that most of his world includes me.

I just wasn't ready.

And now there's the 'secrets' he has with his friends!

Yesterday we were at lunch with Hailey (my friend's daughter).  She was over to play with Tate for the day and the 3 of us went out to lunch.  They sat across from me in the booth and they were having a blast coloring and being silly together!  Then Hailey grabbed Tate and whispered in his ear; they giggled together with their heads together, looked at me and Tate whispered back to her.  As they both looked at me out of the sides of their eyes!  I asked what they were saying and they simultaneously said "NOTHING!!"  Giggle Giggle!

I felt so left out!  I really think my feelings were hurt.

Then I realized this is the beginning.   The beginning of the friends being cooler than Mommy.   The beginning of me not knowing everything that's going in his life.  The beginning of not being the person he wants to share everything with.

I'm just not ready.

Why is growing up so very hard???

Mother's Day 2016

Last week my beautiful son met me at the door with some flowers he had picked on his way home from the playground with his babysitter.  My sweet sweet boy didn't need a reason to give me flowers.  He didn't need Mother's Day to bring me flowers.  That in and of itself was the best present I got for Mother's Day...the impromptu love!

It was an uneventful Mother's Day for me and my sweet boy.  A day much like any other day...waking up to him beside me asking if he could watch something on my phone since it was the weekend :).

After his allowed time he ran downstairs to make himself breakfast and I tooled around getting myself moving at 7:30.  I finished his breakfast for him, got us ready and we raced to church, late as usual.

There were flowers for all the ladies in the services;  Tate got a gorgeous yellow rose for me!  I dropped him at Sunday School then headed out to do some grocery shopping.

Presenting the offering

Just a typical Sunday.

He did remember to say 'Happy Mother's Day' and he made me a sweet card while in Sunday School after the lesson.  

We came home, hung out, ate some lunch, went for a walk while he rode his bike then came home to wait for Grandmommy, Papa and Aunt Lindsey to arrive for an early dinner.  Lindsey had actually just flown in from Australia, so after my parents picked her up they came to my place while she got cleaned up.  We took Tate to the park to fly kites and let him play on the playground.  It was a gorgeous afternoon.

Reading to Grandmommy

Lindsey made it over, and we had some dinner made by yours truly.

And you know what?  It was a perfect day.  Yes I had to make my own breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I don't mind that kind of stuff.  I like taking care of Tate and I was more than happy to make dinner for my parents as well as my sister who had been traveling for 23 hours.  That's what a mom does...she takes care of EVERYONE.  And I love it!

Last night before he went to bed Tate cleaned space off my bedside table and this morning he brought breakfast up to me.  He's decided he's going to bring me breakfast every day since I mentioned that lots of kids made breakfast in bed for their moms for Mother's Day.  I told him he could wait until my birthday, but he insisted.  Such a sweetheart.

Friday was Mother/Son Mass at school.  He gave me a beautiful flower he made in his Maker Space class that smells divine.  The boys all received a rose to give to their mothers, then they all sang to their moms.  You Are My Sunshine.

I still look at this child of mine amazed that God chose me to mother his sweet soul.  On this day I am always ever so grateful for the opportunity to do what I've always wanted to do, be a mom.  My life's goal has come true, and I couldn't have been given a more perfect child for me to mother.  I can barely remember what my life was like before him; oh it was full of love and life and fun, that's for sure!  He's just that last little piece that makes my life complete.  

Second Recess

As I was making dinner tonight I asked my usual questions about Tate's day.

Me:  Who did you play with at 2nd recess today?

Tate:  Eli, Travis, Caleb, Ignacio, Nacho, Braxton

Me:  What did y'all play?

Tate:  Football.  Touch football.  It was so much fun.



I think the blood rushed out of my head.  Football!!!  My worst nightmare come true!  Though I really enjoy the game of football, especially watching my Texans, in no way, shape or form do I want my child playing the game.  Yes, I know him playing around with a bunch of friends is so different than playing on a team, so I know this is very ok, but still!  I want him to hate it!  To have no desire to even touch pigskin.  I so don't want him to play football.

Just the other day I was driving by a fire station and the guys were outside washing the engine and I thought to myself...'What would I do if Tate decided he wanted to become a fireman?'  

The idea that he would run into a burning building to save someone almost brought me to tears.  And I am so eternally grateful to these men and women who do this on a daily basis.  I thought "Are they nervous?  Are they afraid?  Do they call their wife or mom or husband on the way to each fire/incident?"  

I cannot imagine how I would sleep at night knowing that each day could be my son's last because he was trying to save another.  I simply cannot imagine.   I so don't want him to become a fireman.

How do we let go and let our children live out their dreams?  Especially when those dreams put them in harm's way?  How do I let go and let Tate make life decisions that I know are unhealthy for him?  How do I not worry when Tate makes a choice I know will bring heartache and sorrow to him and those he loves?  

How do I feel pride in knowing my son is helping others while putting himself at great risk?  

Even worse I think is knowing that if he does choose a profession or hobby that is dangerous that I will be home alone with my worry.  I won't have someone here to hold my hand at night while I wait for that phone call saying "Hey Mom!  I'm home now!"  Even on those nights to come way too soon as a teen when he goes out and is late for curfew I will pace these floors alone in my fear, panic and anger.  

But I've paced the floors alone with my sick 5 month old.  I've faced fear and panic when he's had croup attacks that had us both in tears, and I've come out on the other side a stronger mother for it.  I've worried and cried as I've raced to meet him at camp after an anaphylactic reaction, knowing that the ambulance is waiting only for me because there's no father who might have been closer in distance.  And once there he and I sat in that ER together for 6 hours and came out happy and whole.

I can do this.  


He's still not playing football.