Leaving

Lots of rambling thoughts in my head tonight...

Tate and I left his Thomas the Tank Engine CD at Bryan's on Sunday night.  He's been begging for it, and I want to have it for our ride to ride the Teddy Bear Train on Friday, so I needed to go over to B's and pick it up.  I opted to have my sweet sweet neighbor run over and stay with Tate after he fell asleep to night while I drove the 5 minutes to Bryan's to get it.

Of course Tate chose tonight to not fall asleep easily.  We had planned on having Kristin here around 745/8 since he's usually out by 745.  No dice tonight.  I'm not sure if he took a nap today...a huge source of frustration for me not knowing if he's napped or not because I don't see his teacher at pick-up, Tate's not reliable about telling me if he took a nap (he'll even ask me if he took a nap!) and I don't get a day sheet or anything.  Sigh.  In any event I laid him down just before 8 with strict instructions to go to sleep.  His eyes were closed.

Kristin arrived;  I left.  I was home within 20 minutes.  I came up the stairs to the living room where I left Kristin watching tv.  She wasn't around.  The bathroom door was wide open.  I heard hiccuping and crying through the video monitor.

Tate never went to sleep.  About 5 minutes before I came home he got up and opened the bedroom door.  I know Kristin's heart sank.  She had asked what to do if he woke up as I left.  I jokingly told her "EH!  Tell him to go the f**k to sleep!"  You know...like that book about kids and their sleep habits....this one!  And I left.

I ran upstairs and sweet Kristin was laying down with Tate who was sweaty and beyond upset.  Poor Kristin felt awful, I felt worse and Tate was a blubbering mess.  I got everyone all situated, hugged Kristin good-bye who let herself out and got Tate some requested water.  He asked me to rock him a bit, so I did after telling him I went to get his CD and that I wouldn't be leaving again.  He was thrilled about having his CD back and crawled up into my arms and we rocked for a while.  I put him back in bed.  Twenty minutes later he was still awake, so I went up and laid with him and again promised I wasn't leaving.  He didn't fall asleep until 9:15.

As I leaned over to kiss him good-night I promised him as he slept that I would never leave him.  That I'd always be there.  As I swept my hands across his gorgeous curls I realized that though I never intend to leave him that he will leave me one day.  He will grow up and walk out of our home, our life as we know it and become his own man.  This child whom I absolutely adore and love more than anyone else on this earth will leave me if I do this most important job right.  

I want to bottle up this love we have for one another at this point in time to bring it back out and cuddle with it on his first night at sleep away camp, his first night at college, his first night in his new home in a new city.  I cannot fathom this child, this person not being with me forever and ever.  How on earth did my parents ever, ever let me go?  How?  I cannot imagine doing that.  And I know there will be times I'll be ready to show him the door, pack his bags and gas up his car.  Heck there have been those times already (good grief those 3s!!!)!  But I never meant it, because I knew it wasn't happening.  As summer comes to a close and we're seeing more teenagers having those last minute cleanings before they head off to their freshman year of college I see their moms gaze at them surreptitiously while I'm working on their precious babies.  Or I hear the wistfulness in their voices when I ask where they're going to college next year.  And I think...

I cannot do that.  I will not be able to do that.  

Tonight for the very first time I had that all-encompassing feeling of love for Tate that almost suffocated my soul;  it almost broke my heart how much love I have for him.  It came over me like a blanket that I couldn't get off of my head it was so heavy and powerful.  All the while I was saying to myself "Please don't leave me."

I laid there in the bed with him, cuddling him close and realizing that each day that passes, each day we're together, each of these days brings us closer to the day he grows up and thinks he doesn't need me.  

So my prayer tonight is that I learn to live in the moment.  Rejoice in our togetherness right this very minute.  Hope that the next time he says "Hey Mom!  Come see this!  Ta-Da!" that I don't say "I'll be right there, I gotta finish fill-in-the-blank (dishes, vacuuming, emailing, whatever I'm doing or getting ready to do) and that I get up and go look!  Because my right theres frequently turn into 20 minutes because I'm such a taskmaster and then he's moved on or gotten quiet because the most important person in his world didn't think he was most important...the dishes were.  And I know, I know I don't have to jump and say how high each and every time he asks me to help or do something.  But I do know that I don't jump right up nearly often enough.  Because he just wants 1 minute of my attention.  There will come a time in 20 years when I'll just want one minute of his attention.  I'll know how he feels pretty soon.  

Leaving.  Letting Go.  Two of the hardest things to do in this human life.  There's really no pain like being left or having to let go.  

So I feel for sweet Tate tonight.  He undoubtedly felt like he's been left (and lied to).  I do hope he realizes though that though I did indeed leave, that I came back.

I came back.

Mommy came back.

I'll always come back.  

I am not about to let go.

Summer Fun - Weekend Seven!

Friday morning found us at swim lessons!  We meandered home and played for a couple of hours and had some lunch.   And I must mention that Tate loves his Playstix that my parents gave him for his birthday.  It's the only toy save this train puzzle that his Aunt Lindsey gave him that he plays with constantly.  And I mean constantly.  He loves those Playstix.  He still loves his trains and train table and will play on there for hours by himself, but he pulls those out 3-4 times a day, begging me to come help him put them together to make the uh, err TRAIN (always first) then the truck, then the house etc.  Me...I'm no engineer.  I honestly cannot stand building these things.  I get frustrated, annoyed when I get it 'wrong' and find no joy in doing with the exception of the great happiness I find in watching him have so very much fun.  I do have to admit I love the feeling of accomplishment when we finish making one of the pieces, but getting to that point...eh.  But he loves the entire process.  Such. A. Boy. :)

I took him over to Gymnastics Camp and I headed off to have a very nice 90 minute massage with the fantastic Jane.  I picked Tate up and we came home.  He played trains.  Then we did Playstix. :)

Our long lazy morning at home started at 5:25 and included 'Misty Island Rescue' for Tate so I could sleep until 7!!  Then he played trains and bothered our cat while I did laundry and cleaned up a bit.  He lazed about on the couch at one point for about 20 minutes and read his 'Thomas the Tank Engine Story Collection' (a very lovely book)to Vincent, our cat and his stuffed animals.  The entire book!  So very cute!

We eventually ventured out to ride our favorite train in the 95 degree heat!  It was lovely though...breezy in the shade. 

Surprisingly he fell asleep in the car on our way home from the train and napped about 30 minutes.  He must have been exhausted!  We grocery shopped after his nap and returned home!

And we just hung out the rest of the day.  Playing, reading (me), trainning (him), gaming (us)...it was a lovely day.  

Then as I was making dinner, Tate pulled out the aforementioned puzzle and started working on it.  We had done it together last weekend and just took it apart Friday night.  To my utter astonishment and pride he did this entire 100 piece puzzle...ALL BY HIMSELF.  He did ask me to help him initially while I had my hands full in dinner preparations.  I told him I would be right there, and when I walked over he was busily working on it by himself, and doing well.  I quietly went back to the kitchen.  He called for me 2-3 more times, but I kept making excuses.  Within 10-15 minutes he called me bursting with pride "MOMMY!!  TA-DA!!!

I was/am so very proud of him.  100 pieces all by himself!! Since Saturday he has taken it apart and done it again and again and again.

Sunday morning I had every intention of going to church.  I so want to share my faith with Tate;  it's so very important to me and such an integral part of my life.  Surprising I know seeing how un-often we go to church, but God is on my mind all the time. When I'm sad, I turn to Him.  When I'm happy, I thank Him.  When I'm blessed, I give Him thanks.  When I'm lost, I ask Him for help.  I want Tate to grow up to love God and His Son as much as I do and to become a strong man of strong Christian faith...that's so very important to me.  I suppose if I had a church home that I felt completely connected with I would make more of an effort.  I do love my church..the priests and the services. It's the congregation that's not my cup of tea.  I go to one of the richest churches in the city in the richest neighborhood in the city.  The money in and of itself is not the problem I don't think..it's just the attitude of the parishoners.  Ugh.  It just doesn't feel like a church home...nothing like the church I grew up with, which was Southern Baptist with an amazing youth group.  I was at church on Sundays and Wednesdays seemingly like clockwork as a teenager.  We had lock-ins, retreats, youth bible studies, you name it, and I loved it.  Loved it.  I want that for Tate.  I know my present church has these things; maybe if I got Tate involved in the Sunday school activities it would be different as I got to know more people.  We shall see...

In any event, we hung out at home.  Had another pajama day.  Our next 3 weekends are completely booked and busy, so this was a nice respite.  One of his birthday gifts from me was a Thomas CD.  He loves it.  We play it in the car, in the house...everywhere.  But what is so very humorous is that when we play it inside on our Blu-Ray, he sticks it in, turns it on and sits down on the double chair and listens to it.  Every so often he'll look at the tv screen which is just a listing of the tracks.  He treats it like a video.  He doesn't seem to get that he can play with his toys or anything while the music is playing.  He sits down and quietly enjoys his music.  When the CD ends, he gets up, ejects it from the Blu-Ray, puts it in the case, turns off both the Blu-Ray and tv and goes about his business.

So very adorable.  Man I love this kid!

(He is 'reading' while listening this time,

but mostly just holding the Thomas book

 in his hands while the music plays :) )

We made a quick grocery store run again and then ended our quiet weekend at Uncle Bryan's for some pool time and dinner with just a few of the tribe.  Tate swam and swam for about an hour.  It was so nice.  For the first hour it was just me, Tate, Bryan and Mike.  Just 4 more joined us later on.  Good food..yummy fajitas Bryan grilled, I got queso from Chuys'.  Fantastic margaritas...Bryan just got a vita-mix...forget making baby food...those were the smoothest, tastiest margaritas I've ever had!!!  Lots of fun.  We left around 730 after I got Tate into him pjs and brushed his teeth.  I figured he would fall asleep on the way home and I would just put him straight to bed.

Worked like a charm!  Little man was asleep by 750 and I transferred him to bed around 8 with no fuss!  Well some fuss because I was exhausted after carrying a 36.5 pound child up three flights of stairs!  (I've got to start working out...I was out of breath for 10 minutes...not good)  But totally worth it for the fun end to a lovely weekend.

Tate's Fourth Birthday Celebration!

Celebration time!!  I've been Tate's mommy for 4 fantastic, wonderful, fun, love-filled years!!  As I believe a birthday is the most precious day of the year for all those who I love, I like to really celebrate!(If a person didn't have a birthday they wouldn't be here!!  How can a birthday not be the most special, wonderous day of one's year?)  And I love parties, all parties, but especially birthday parties.  And I love planning parties, especially Tate's parties.(though I get all stressed and control-freaky worrying about each detail)

In any event Tate's celebration started with a gorgeous invitation from Nealon Design.

I spent the week making the cars for the snack train, putting Tate's gift together, getting everything organized, shopping for the food and commandeering volunteers (my sister and one of her sweet friends!).  For once almost everyone RSVPd; only two guests didn't.  Yay!

Saturday morning arrived cloudy with a chance of rain.  It had been raining for the past week and a half, but with that rain came much more tolerable temperatures.  Still humid...very humid...think 100% humidity, but in the high 80's, low 90's in the mornings with cloud cover as opposed to bright sun with high 90's at 10am, our party time.  We were blessed and the cloud cover was moderate for the majority of our time at the park!!

Lindsey and one of her best friends arrived to help out as did my awesome parents.  Well Kristen met us at the park;  my parents and Lindsey came here with ice and duct tape in hand (Lindsey) and balloons (my parents).  Tate and I had made a trip to Whole Foods earlier to pick up the gorgeous cake.  I rushed around making the train shaped cheese quesadillas while my mom dressed Tate.  We got the cooler filled with water and milk and we rushed over to the park.

Balloons were hung, the banner was in place, the snack train was laid out, the personalized conductor hats were placed and we were ready!

I begged Tate to let me take his picture;  this was the result:

Then the festivities began!  The kids started arriving as did our trackless train!!  Tate was beside himself with glee!!  He gave me and everyone else a play by play as it was put together!  He did finally drag himself away when he noticed all his friends playing on the playground!

Alonzo and Tate!

Then the train was ready!!!

Tate was thrilled as was everyone else!!

Alonzo, Tate and Aunt Palmi!

A pictorial of the rest of the day....

Aunt Lindsey and Ms. Kristen!!

So. Very. Happy.

Riding the train with Mommy!

Tate, Hailey and Ms. Njeri

Aunt Susan!

Girlfriends!

The always awesome Papa!

Papa, Tate and BFF Leo!

So much joy!!!

Then it was time for cake and ice cream!!!!

The kids played and played.  It was so nice to just let the kids run around...I was able to let Tate do his thing with his friends while I got to hang out with my friends.  There were a couple of accidents...sweet H stepped in an ant bed and was beside herself.  Cute little A fell and bit his lip pretty well...I went into Dr. C mode and checked everything out...no stitches needed, and he was back on the playground!!

A lovely family portrait...

Then it was time to go.  Everyone was awesome and helped with the clean up and we headed back to the house.  I invited a few people to come back for some pizza, wine and present opening!

Tate gets quite overwhelmed opening presents and quickly wants to stop and play with something he's opening, immediately forgetting about the other presents.  As such it usually takes us 2-3 days to open presents.  I'm 100% fine with that!  It's that many more days of fun and festivities!!!

By 2 it was just me and my sweet Tate.  We had a lovely afternoon relaxing and enjoying one another. He started not feeling well though by bedtime and was sound asleep by 7:02pm.  He got sick around 8pm :( and by 1:30am he had a fever.  We went to the Redi Clinic Sunday morning and got a prescription for some antibiotics to ward off pneumonia and/or bronchitis (he had a heinous cough!).  

We came home for more present opening!

Then we played and played and played.  We cuddled, hugged, kissed, he whined when his fever went back up, we cuddled and hugged some more.  We watched some Word World and Steam Trains.  And we played some more.  He was sound asleep by 7:15pm.  It was a lovely, delicious day. 

My parents gave him Playstix for
his birthday...he fell in love with them!
They require me to help at this age, but
in a few months I bet he'll be able to do
most of them by himself! 

We HAD to build the train of course!

It was an absolutely perfect weekend, minus Tate's illness.  I loved spending time with my friends and family, those that I cherish the most and those who cherish Tate and me.  We are so very blessed.  So very blessed.

God is amazing.