Will Boys Be Boys?

Boys will be boys.  How many times have we all heard that?  An excuse to excuse inexcusable behavior.  

As a woman who grew up with only sisters, who's pretty girly and loves all things princess I've always cringed when I heard that saying.  Then I found out I was going to be become mother to one of those boys!  I swore that my son, my boy, my male child would never hear those words come out of my mouth.  I swore I would never say those words in my head or my heart.  Those words wouldn't even be a bubble above my head out there for the universe to even feel.

Never say never.

Because you know what?

Boys will be boys.

Much like girls will be girls.

It truly is just the way the world works.  

In my opinion.

Or at least the way my world works.

Girls and boys are just different.

I always knew this to be true;  I just didn't know how true it really was.  I've gone out of my way to raise a sweet, caring, gentle, non-video gaming, non Star Wars watching, non Super hero worshipping, non toy gun-toting, loving, kind, Christian boy.  Thus far I think I've achieved my goal.  I've taught him that there are no boy toys or girls toys, just toys.   He's just the sweetest person I know.  

But get him around another boy or boys and woo wee the boy just comes out.  They touch and push and horse around like crazy.  They tickle and irritate one another.  They jump on each other.  

And it's hard for me to watch sometimes because I just don't get it.

However, it's not hard to figure out when another boy is pushing or shoving out of meanness.  There is a definite difference.  There's the quick glance around, finding his target and pushing with anger.  I've seen that done to Tate, and I swoop in with a vengeance.  I've seen it done to other boys, and I swoop in with a vengeance.  This kind of behavior I will not tolerate if I see it;  I don't care whose child you are.

But this roughhousing amongst friends.  Goodness I don't get it.  But boys love it.  Love it.  Crave it.  

I think it might be part of their love language?  

In any event, I'm trying to come to terms with it.  To not cringe when I see it happening with Tate.  Now Tate doesn't do it alot, and he never does it out of anger unless you've pushed or shoved him on purpose then he will most definitely push or hit back.  Otherwise he just likes that tussle between him and his friends.

This afternoon we were at a birthday party.  An indoor birthday party for a little girl turning 5 that was a little bit longer than Tate can tolerate without wanting to run around.  There were probably 16 or 17 girls at the party and 5 boys.  One little boy who is the same age as Tate whom we are friendly with and 3 other boys we didn't know.  It was a the Natural Science Museum.  We had a tour of the Butterfly room for about 25 minutes and a bug presentation of about 30 minutes.  Then there were snacks.  In addition, a face painter showed up for the kids to enjoy.  

There was a line of about 20 tired kids.  They weren't able to run around, they couldn't play with the balloons and the food was over.  However, the little girls were all nicely standing in line, not a peep to be heard.  My friend S (P's mom) and I were sitting down eating some snacks and another mom (who is really sweet, her daughter is my patient) came over to tell me 'Ummmm your son and another little boy in a green shirt are kind of hitting each other and running over each other.  Ummm I wasn't sure if that was ok?"

I was like "Huh?  What?  Oh, it's ok...he and P are friends."  

I could see that didn't allay her fears, so I got on up and walked over to the boys who were all over each other, pushing and shoving, being loud.  Unfortunately, the line of kids were all on top of one another, so their pushing and shoving was a bit intrusive.  S and I shushed them a bit and told them to keep their hands to themselves.  

They just couldn't.  

They started with dolphin noises.  LOL

That got some definitive eye rolls.  

I just said "This is what happens with boys.  It's even worse because there are almost only girls here."

I could tell one mom was still horrified as her little boy just sat there bewildered.  And I know she was thinking "My boy doesn't do that.  Look how nice he's standing."

Of course I'm thinking her kid is a wuss.  

Both our boys are black, so I got the vibe also 'that's how black boys behave.'

Of course that's probably me projecting,  

In any event, S and I just gave up because truly they were bored to tears.  The line was moving at a snail's pace, they had been cooped up now for over an hour and a half, and probably had another half hour in line.  We tried to convince them to run around until the line got shorter to no avail.  Finally the offer of cake got them out of line.

Once the cake was gobbled down back to the line they went.   They were tired by this point, so they were more subdued.  P kept getting in and out of line, but Tate was determined to get his face painted by this point because I wanted to leave, but he cried because he wanted a ghost on his face.  Finally it was his turn and he was thrilled.  P was the last to get painted and then the pair of them got the wiggles again.

They're getting ready to wiggle!

The feet are a dancin'! 

Dancing away!

Just a movin'! 

Trying to listen so they can be still!  Love them!

Boys will be boys.  They really seem to need movement, they need action to learn, they crave touch.  They really crave touch.  It just isn't the touch I thought was needed all the time.  Humans love touch.  I just don't think I realized how the male is wired to receive it differently. I still intend to hug and kiss and cuddle with Tate for as long as he'll let me and then 125395719 years after that.  I love that when we're reading stories he wants to be practically on top of me.  I love that he wants to sit on my lap all the time.  I love that he's light enough that I can still pick him up.  I love that he wants me to tickle him and rough house with him.  I love that we still sleep together, and I get to wrap him up in my arms when I go to bed.  I love that my touch calms his fears and wipes his tears.

My boy will always be my boy.

The Super Hero Conundrum

Super Heroes.

Barbie Dolls.

So male.

So female.

I have been anti-SuperHero since Tate was born, if not before.  I just have in my mind that they're violent with the Ka-pows and the Bams.  Batman comic strips with superheroes' fists coming toward the page.  Bad guys in masks doing bad things, fists a-pumping.  Iron Man racing after a bad guy spraying them with an array of fake bullets or some such was not something I ever wanted my child to see.  The Avengers...goodness the name conjures up all kinds of not so nice pictures.

So no I've never been into the Superheroes.  Sure I watched Superman on the big screen with Christopher Reeve.  And of course I watched the hot Dean Cain on television as Superman.  I sort of enjoyed the first Spiderman movie...who wasn't turned on by that hot upside down kiss between MJ and Spiderman?

But as far as having Tate watch Ironman or Spiderman...not happening in my world.  We don't own any superhero capes;  I've never allowed a light saber in our home;  there has been no talk of Star Wars of the Clone Wars for sure.  Darth Vadar?  The prince of darkness?  Never. 

I feel as strongly about the superheroes as many of my daughter-raising cohorts feel about Barbie and princesses.  They don't want their little girls dressing up or believing that they must have Prince Charming come to their rescue.  They cringe when their little girls swoon over Ariel and Cinderella.

Just as I would cringe if Tate came home and told  me he wanted to be IronMan.

I've always struggled with my aversion to the superhero idea.  It was easy to have a little boy who didn't know who Anikan Skywalker was since he wasn't allowed screen time until he was 2 and even then it was minimal.  Then as he got older it was only on weekends.  In addition he was so enamored of trains, trains, trains.  We are definitely getting past the Thomas the Tank Engine stage, but he's now enthralled with how trains run, work and all the different types.  And he's found Legos.  There is no screen time in our home during the work week and on weekends he'll watch in the mornings a bit, but he is happiest playing with his Legos or having me read to him or playing games or hanging out with our friends and family.  He even had no desire to watch The Lego Movie when I offered it on a plane ride...he thought there were too many bad guys.  So he's definitely fearful of bad guys;  I don't know that that is a bad thing.  Are boys not supposed to be wary and afraid of bad evil people? Does this not play into the whole 'boys will be boys' mentality that everyone says they want to get away from.  Seeing mostly men (because I believe there is a female avenger type character) wield weapons and fight instead of talking or developing relationships...doesn't that seem to perpetuate the behavior we don't want to see in boys or men?

I hate seeing little boys Tate's age pick up light sabors and fight one another with them.  I hate seeing them pretend fight.  I know boys are more physical in play than girls.  I get that....why do we perpetuate it?

But mostly why is it ok for all these superhero type shows to be filled with good v evil?  Why does Spiderman have to 'fake' punch someone to 'win?'  Why is all this violence ok? 

Or am I 100% wrong and these shows and books don't exhibit violence and fists? 

Even so, what is the difference between not wanting your daughter to be stereotyped into loving princesses and barbies and not wanting your son to be stereotyped into loving superheroes and fighting?

I've always told Tate that there are no boy toys or girl toys.  It's worked for quite some time.  He's never questioned it.  Granted we don't have Barbie dolls in our house, but we also don't have doll sized Ironman either.  He does have a kitchen set as well as an American Girl itty bitty male twin (that AG thing was so much more about me and I know it).  But I wanted him to have a doll so he might learn how to take care of others.  He plays with him every once in a GREAT while.  We have several Disney princess cups from our trip to WDW as well as the Disney cruise as well as a Mickey Mouse one or two.  He's never complained when I just pull out a cup and say here.

Until Tuesday when I pulled down the princess one.  I got the 'look'.  You know the one of absolute disdain and horror.  And the talk...

"MOM...that's a girl cup."

Back into the cabinet it went, and I pulled out another one that met with his approval. 

Of course part of this change is being in an all boys' school, but he's been surrounded by this boy v girl stuff since he was in daycare.  Many of the boys and girls at his daycare would routinely say "So and so can't play with this because she's a girl" and vice versa.  He's never cared.  Now he does.  Ok that's fine.  I can  live with that.  For now.  I've laid the foundation; that's all I can really do.
He's not allowed to wear character shoes or clothes at school, so that's helping.  He does have a pair of light-up Captain America shoes which he LOVES. (though I think he loves them for their light-upness :) )...I doubt he could pick Captain America out of a line up.  He used to play power rangers at his old daycare with his BFFs, but rest assured he just mimicked what his friends did.  He didn't come home with any interest in who they were.  He never asked to watch the show or read the book. We don't read any fantasy books...I cannot imagine that I'll be reading 'Harry Potter' to him at any point in time as I have no interest in that kind of stuff.  'The Hunger Games'did nothing for me and I sure as hell am not going to see any of the movies (I only read the first 2;  I have absolutely no desire to read the third).  So poor Tate is starting off 2 steps behind with me as his mama.

But the superhero business...I feel like we're passing this stage soon, so while I don't think many of the boys will be enamored of superheroes for much longer like they are now I still wonder if I've done Tate a disservice.  Though I don't see me letting  my 5 1/2 year old watch any of the Star Wars anytime soon...I just don't think he needs to see Luke Skywalker have his hand cut off, or stormtroopers running amok hurting people.  How is this in any way, shape or form good for developing and nurturing kind, Christian, loving, honest, strong of heart mind body and soul men?
What attributes do these characters exhibit or embody who I want to help Tate become? Just like parents question whether princesses in need of rescue exhibit the qualities they want their daughters to embrace, I question whether these superheroes exhibit the qualities I want my son to embrace.

Thoughts?

This Morning

Carpool drop-off.

How does something so easy become so hard sometimes?

It's actually been quite smooth for us usually.  There have been some snafus with stuff falling out of the car and breaking as he climbs out.  Sometimes he goes out one door while the teacher comes to the other door.  Other times, we have a bad pass of the lunch box over the seat but all in all it usually goes well.  Never a teary good-bye, always saying good-bye or waving.  (I do miss that last hug from daycare drop-off, but that's virtually impossible in a car.)

Until today.

We've been in an even better groove since the holidays.  I drive up to the street before the drop off street and have him get out of his carseat (he's still in the 5 point harness and can only undo the chest strap, so I have to lean over to get to the crotch lock).  He puts on his coat, hat, backpack and mittens and then I drive up to the school.  I was wary of this because he is out of the seat belt, but he doesn't like wearing his coat in the carseat...a throw back to my insistence as a young child when you are not supposed to wear your coat in the carseat for safety reasons.  As an aside, when are they allowed to wear a coat while in the 5 point harness.  Because on the rare occasion that he wears his warm coat in it when he goes back into the harness it's super loose.  So feasibly, it's still not safe to be in the bigger coat in the 5 point.

I digress.  Today on the way to school he listened to one of his books on tape.  He had no problem when I told him he wasn't going to get to finish listening today;  he asked for the CD to put back in the book.  I suggested he  just let me leave it in the player and we could finish listening to it in the morning.  No go.  "I wanna put it away!!!"

I suggested he let me put it away while he put his coat.  Cue the beginning of some drama.  "But I want to do it."

By now I've stopped the car on the side street to get him out of the carseat and was ready to hand him his coat.  He had the book in his hand and is trying to get me to get the CD out;  I'm trying to get him to put his coat on.  Now. Please. 

Rushing him along made things worse.  "Come on Tate, put your coat on"  I grabbed the book from him, not so kindly and he started crying.  I asked "Can't I just help you with the book a little bit?  You will not be able to put the CD in with your mittens on and you can't put your backpack on with  your mittens on.  Here's your backpack.  We don't have time for this."

Big tears as he's putting on the backpack and latching it in the front.  I had the CD out by this time and I had decided to let him go ahead and put it back inside the book jacket.  By now it's our turn into the school drive.  Initially there was no one behind me, so I let him fumble around a bit with the CD and the book, which never takes him more than a second. 

Today it took several seconds...between his dissipating tears, him trying to hurry and now there's a car coming in behind us it was so hard.  Then he wanted his mittens on.  The teacher opened the car door. 

"Good morning Tate!  Come on out!  Oh you're putting on your gloves"

The other car pulled up behind us and its door opened.

I said "Tate, you have to get out now."

The teacher said "Tate you're going to have to put your mittens on out here."

My poor boy; he was no longer crying, but he had one lone tear that hadn't fallen off his cheek, and he was so sad.

He got that last mitten on, and headed out of the car.

In sadness.

I said goodbye more times than I can count trying to get him to say goodbye.

I wrenched myself around in the seat trying to see him around my seatbelt, through the half open back door and around the teacher to say "Bye!"

He looked back and said 'Bye.'

And walked onto the school grounds without the usual skip in his step.

All I could think as I drove away is please don't let some mad shooter come to my baby's school today and hurt my boy.

Because I could not survive if these were our last moments together.  I couldn't bear it.

Certainly I've left him at daycare when he was crying for me not to leave.  There were more times than I can count that he scampered off to play with nary a glance back at me as I left him. 

But now he's all grown up.

And we've come to that place in America where all the other parents are when they leave their children in a school.

Dreading that phone call.  Dreading the email.  Dreading the news.

I know some mornings are going to be hard.  I know that for many carpool drop-off is always rife with 'Get out the car NOW!'  "Get  your backpack!!!' 'No you cannot have oreos when you get home, now get out of the car!'

Our mornings simply aren't like that. 

Tomorrow morning won't be like that.

Doesn't mean this morning's drop-off didn't just suck.

So I'll drive home a bit faster tonight.  I'll rush home quicker tonight.  I'll jog up the steps with more pep.  We might talk about drop-off.  We might not.  We'll see how the evening goes.  I'll agonize and try to come up with other ways to facilitate the coat getting on, turning off the story and try some new strategies in the morning. 

Thank goodness I only have to do carpool pick-up once a week :)

October 2014

October was a really busy, festive month for my family!!

Tate was playing soccer with his kindergarten class.  They practiced once a week after school with games on Saturdays.  His school offers soccer, basketball and baseball as extra-curriculars for the lower school boys;  they keep score with positive coaching by parents.  I was all over that...I totally believe in keeping score, letting the coach do his job and the kids enjoying themselves.  I firmly believe there need to be winners and losers, and not everyone needs or deserves a trophy even at the age of 5.

Tate initially did not want to play soccer, but I signed him up anyway because his teammates would only be his classmates, and I wanted him to spend some quality time outside of the classroom with the boys to really get to know them in a not so structured environment.  This was probably the best decision I made this first semester of school.  He ended up having a blast, and the games were really fun to watch, stressful but fun.  They only lost one game!!  Anyway by October soccer was in full swing.

I also had him doing art after school one day a week;  he really enjoyed that as well and made some wonderful artwork.

Even better everything was right after school.  Nanny S even went to the soccer practices in my place, since many of the moms did as well.  I really wanted someone out there watching Tate who cared about him, and whom he knew was there just for him.  Can I say again how blessed we are with Nanny S?!!

He continued swim lessons, but after school.  My parents pick him up that day and take him to his lessons then bring him to my office.  He and my mom sit outside my office and do his homework/hang out until I'm done.  I love that he gets that time with them once a week.  However, I'm very very disheartened that I'm not getting to see my little boy flourish in swimming.   I understand he's doing a fabulous job and getting stronger and stronger in the pool each week.

October had Grandparents Day...my parents met Tate up at the school for a program and got to see his classroom.

We made a trip to the county fair!!  Always a festive time!  Tate shocked me and was up for all kinds of crazy fast rides!  One of which goes forwards at an amazing rate of speed then backwards.  Thankfully we ran into a friend of mine who offered to ride with him, so I didn't have to!!

There he is with T!

He had an absolute blast!!

We had our first parent/teacher conference this month which was really so much less than I thought it would be.  Tate's apparently doing really well, stays on task, listens usually and is quite smart.  He's a really good kid usually, and he's reading and doing simple math, so I thought he would be fine academically.  I was mostly worried about him socially;  our meeting was just a couple of weeks after Tate's issue with the kids being mean to him, making him cry.  I even posted about it here.  Mrs. K said Tate was doing well, that he did have friends and things had gotten much better.  Indeed I believed it had as well.  I had encouraged him to reach out to other boys on the playground and to try other activities other than the soccer.  He was following my suggestions and made some fabulous friends, especially one little boy, S.  We've even had a couple of playdates with S!!!!    Things have gone really well.  

I dragged Tate with me to my eye appointment and my relaxer the day of the conference, and as always he was a trooper!

Soccer Saturday!!

Playing goalie!

Sunday found us at Dewberry Farm for the 4th year in a row!!

We went with sweet Alie and her mom!  The kids were so excited to see one another!!!

Monday was Columbus Day, so Tate didn't have school, and of course I had to work.  I took him to his old daycare for the morning then his nanny picked him up to take him to a playdate with his BFFs H and G!!  Again, so grateful for her.  She left him at H's house and then H's mom took H and Tate to their swim lessons;  they go at the same time, but they're in different classes.  N even took pictures of Tate for me and sent them to me!!!

His old stomping grounds!!! :)
He was actually quite happy to go! 

That following Friday I had a meeting with the head of the lower school.  He had asked for meetings with all the new parents;  I was really nervous of course.  He just wanted to spend 10-15 minutes learning about Tate and me and answer any questions I had.  I'm not really good at these kinds of meetings;  I don't ever have intelligent questions to ask.  I'm so much the person who just takes everything at face value;  I'm almost too trusting.  I did explain about our family structure making sure he understood that Tate doesn't have a father in the true sense of the word, that he has a known donor.  I asked that he please back Tate up should he hear Tate referring to Christian as his dad a little bit.  I also made it very clear that Christian has no parental rights and should never be allowed to pick up, be with or around Tate at the school without my express written consent each and every time.  I also questioned the family make-up of the other students and my concern that ours would stand out.  He assured me there were several alternative families.  All in all it was a good conversation, and I left feeling like Tate is in the right place.

Saturday was soccer again!!

Got his game face on! 

Strategizing!

On a break...

About to complete a pass!

After the game we headed back to Tate's old daycare for their annual Fall Festival!  The best part for Tate....Leo was there!  The two of them were sooooo happy to see one another!  We stayed for the entire festival just so the two of them could thoroughly enjoy themselves!  I've never seen two happier boys!

This is the best picture I could get because they couldn't
stop dancing around and running amok!!

We had our first Sunday birthday party.  I was most definitely not amused especially since it was in the morning, but I took Tate anyway.  We went just for a little while because we already had plans to meet up with our other friends for the ZooBoo only an hour later.  One of the best parts of this party is the fact that it was for 4 boys!  Four boys had birthdays in October in the kindergarten class.  Their parents threw a combined party!  What a fabulous idea!!!  Now all our weekends are not full of birthday parties!  Just really excited about this idea!!

This was our favorite game!!!

That's his new BFF, one of the birthday  boys!

Then we were off to meet H and G and their parents at the zoo for Zoo Boo!

He wanted to be the Polar Express again!!

It was a really festive day!

Later in the week I had to attend a happy hour on Thursday evening thrown by an oral surgeon who I routinely refer to.  She's really sweet and an excellent surgeon, so I wanted to support her, but I hate missing out on my minimal time with Tate in the evenings.  Therefore, I had his nanny bring him to my office, and I took him with me.  I made his dinner and gave it to him at the happy hour.  Then he happily played with his planes.  I am so very grateful to have a child who can entertain himself and behave in public settings without me having to be by his side.  He's just so awesome.  I was able to mingle and enjoy a glass of wine for a good 45 minutes before it was time to leave to get him ready for bed and stories.

Playing happily with his planes!

Waiting to get his flu shot at the allergist's office.  We have to get it there because of his egg allergy, so we have to be monitored for a period of time.

This was after the injection :(

Saturday evening I had a lovely dinner with my girls from the tribe...all 10 of us were available!!  First time in I don't know how long. We went to Seasons 52.  Oh my goodness the food was divine, and the wine superb!  We had a simply wonderful time!  My babysitter, one of his old teachers bailed on me at the very last minute, but my parents stepped in for me!!  I am soooo lucky to have them.   I was able to relax and know he was very well taken care of and thrilled :)

Sunday AFTERNOON :) we had another birthday party!  Luckily it was in early afternoon, so we still had time for the weekly food prep and getting ready for the week!!

The following weekend we were off to NYC to watch Lindsey in the NYC marathon!

It was a GREAT October!