Time to Deck the Halls

The title of this post should probably be 'Disappointment' but after almost a month of gratitude posts I thought that would leave a bad taste.


Yesterday Tate and I returned home from my parents' after his nap, which was only about 55 minutes, but he woke up with his usual sunny disposition!  Finally, finally we had some awesome rain...it poured all day long.  But I digress.  I had come back to our place on Friday afternoon to clean up sans small child and get the Christmas tree and decorations out.  I lugged our huge, yes artificial, tree up the stairs and got the boxes all out from under the stairs in the garage.  I was so excited to put the tree together and hang the ornaments with Tate on Saturday.  I was hoping to start our own tradition of putting our tree up the Saturday of Thanksgiving complete with Christmas music on the CD player, a chill in the air and children laughing!  Yes my child laughing was part of my tradition picture.  My child putting an ornament or two on the tree was part of my tradition picture.  The two of us hanging out starting the Christmas season was part of my tradition VIDEO!!!


Can you see where this is going?


I even went so far as to buy Mickey Mouse's Christmas Sing-a-Long DVD.  I've let Tate watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse once or twice a weekend for 20 minutes each time for about a month.  I'm still holding firm to no tv during the week and minimal tv on the weekends...one show on Saturday and maybe one on Sunday if any at all.  But I decided it's Christmas!  It's Christmas music.  Tate loves Mickey Mouse!  I'm sure he'll love the Mickey Mouse Sing-a-Long.


I could not have been more wrong.


The Menu page had pictures of Mickey Mouse, but once I clicked to start the DVD it was simply music with what seems to be 'still' pictures of Mickey and his friends.  Tate was not amused or entertained.  Much whining ensued about 'Where's Mickey Mouse?' 'I want Mickey Mouse.'


Bah Humbug.


I caved and pulled out the Thomas the Tank Engine Christmas Show DVD.  Started that and he lasted about 5 minutes.  As soon as Thomas left the screen he commenced with the 'Where's Thomas?' noise.


Ugh.


On top of all that he had no interest whatsoever in helping with the Christmas tree. :( He was thrilled by the lights when I plugged the tree, but his interest waned quickly.  He quickly went back to pounding on the DVD player trying to get Thomas back and playing with his trains on the floor.


So I hung up the ornaments with Vincent for company.  No Christmas music.  No hot chocolate (well I suppose if that was part of my picture I should have made some).  No 2 year old gazing up at the tree in absolute awe and enchantment.

Ooh! Wait!  Is Mickey Mouse back on?

The one ornament he placed on the tree!

He did finally take an interest when I was done right before I took him upstairs to go to bed early (630pm) due to the short nap.  He toddled on over to the tree and deigned himself ready for a photo or two minus his pants, pacifier in mouth in anticipation of bed.

Actually now that I've posted these pictures I'm taking time to really look at Tate's face in the pictures.  He does have that look of wonderment on his face, that look of enchantment and disbelief.  How sad is it that I was so wrapped in how I thought the afternoon should go that I didn't realize that he truly enjoyed himself.  He got to see a DVD for the first time ever and he loves Thomas.  He was happy and had a great time. It may not have been the great time I had envisioned, but he was happy to be with his mommy and experience this first Saturday decorating tradition with his mama.  I need to erase all my preconceived notions of what our lives should be like and not just this past weekend, but always.  We are our own little family.  We are ourselves.  The traditions we start will matter to noone but the two of us.  And they will make us happy.  That's all that matters... happiness. 

This cold, cold night in Houston I'm very thankful that Tate and I are starting our own traditions.  I also know that each year we'll add or take away what doesn't work for one or both of us.  And we will be just fine...full of happiness, enchantment and awe.  After all what's most important is remembering whose birthday we're starting these traditions in celebration of.  That brings a feeling of awe and enchantment in my own heart.  And someday it will for Tate as well.

Enchanted!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Love.  I'm thankful for love.  I'm so blessed to be surrounded by love every day, every hour, every minute. Love.  So very beautiful.  It's freeing, fulfilling, amazing, wonderful, passionate and gorgeous.


And this is the best expression of God's love for me...

Family

As I sit here in my parents' kitchen waiting for my sweet potatoes to cool I'm relaxed, happy and grateful.  It was a gorgeous day here in Houston which have been very few and far between the past 6 months.  Thankfully, my work day went by rather quickly and I was running out the office door at 2:08 in route to pick up my sweet boy from my parents who were so kind to watch him for me today as my daycare was closed.  Tate was in heaven with his beloved Grandmommy and Papa.  Happy as a clam.


I had decided to take Tate to see Santa today (we've gone on this day for the past 2 years...no line and he's a GREAT Santa...pictures to be uploaded soon).  I do wonder when Tate is older if we'll go later in the season, so that he's more 'in the spirit' of Christmas and Santa Claus.  He did great today though ... no tears and almost a full smile.  Getting this child of mine to smile for anyone in a professional setting is so difficult.  He just sits there staring at the photographer like he's plotting against you.  It's just so funny.  But that's my boy;  he's always been so serious though if he knows you he's nothing like that.  And I wouldn't say he is shy or more shy than any other 2 year old, but he definitely won't talk to you unless he's given some time to get to know you.    Anyway, the Santa photo-op went great.  I think he's going to understand Santa after this Christmas.


He played with his 4 1/2 year old cousin Scotty at the mall and they ran around like banshees.  They had just a great time.  We also had them take pictures with my parents and they did really well together, though of course Tate was not into smiling!!!  Scotty is beyond cute with Tate, always wanting to hold his hand, take him around, show him things.  He's very protective of Tate and Tate just adores him...it's so sweet to watch.  And always amazes me because my sister and I are not close at all.  Kellie and I just have absolutely nothing in common except we have the same parents and we're both mothers...not much to build a relationship on.  But these 2 boys who don't really see each other all that often adore each other, and I try to remind myself that since Tate most likely will not have a sibling I should let or better said encourage this cousin relationship for him.  


So on this Thanksgiving Eve, the day my sweet boy turned 28 months old I'm thankful that he has a budding relationship with his cousin.  The innocence and love of children really brings one to their knees...they simply enjoy one another whether they have anything in common or not.  Family...it's just a beautiful thing.

And you need to ask Santa for this, oh and this and of course this!!!

Is that really a bowl full of jelly?

Maybe if I don't look at him....

All smiles!!

Easy-Going

Thank goodness Tate is so very easy-going.  I mean he really is.  He is such a go with the flow kid;  I so hope this trait remains and that's he's not as anal and controlling as his mama!  


I left work incredibly late today.  UGH!  So very difficult when you're an SMC.  I cannot leave late like this because I cannot have to depend on my sister to be there for me all the time.  And tonight she couldn't be...she had an appointment.  So at 521 I am racing to get to Tate.  Mind you I am usually getting him by 5:25...did I mention it takes upwards of 25-30 minutes to get to him?  So frustrating and today of all days I leave late when traffic was horrendous with all the lucky people who get to be off tomorrow and actually spend some time with their families and prepare for Thanksgiving unlike me who won't get off until 2pm.  And which means the earliest I'll get back with my child is 3:00pm.  And yes I know I should be thankful to have a job,  I know I know.  And I am.  But this job really sucks the big one during holidays because we have to work because the kids are off.  Well, I'd like to see my child as well.  Noone tells you that when you decide to do pediatric dentistry or if they did I missed that lecture.  And certainly I realize that there will many many people working tomorrow and sadly on Thanksgiving Day.  I empathize with them;  it doesn't make it any better but I empathize.  I don't think many of them will want to be there either.  And because I believe this country fails horribly for all their touting about family values (seriously 12 weeks maternity leave IF your company has more than 50 people?  That's just the tip of the iceberg in my feelings about 'family values'.  12 weeks.  I was off 11 and that was by far not nearly enough.  Actually I only had 9 with Tate, and that was awful.  If I ever have another I'm taking 12 weeks with my child no matter what).  Coupling that with every store under the sun open tomorrow and some even on Thanksgiving Day and then the Black Friday shopping starting on Thursday, well there ya go.  America, consumerism and family values.  That is why I do not intend to ever order Thanksgiving Dinner for Thursday delivery, why I won't go to the movies, shopping or out to dinner.  I will not participate in making what was once a true holiday 'worse' for someone working.  And yes at least they have a job, they may hate their families, it was their choice to choose those jobs for their employment, but believe me sometimes you just draw the short stick and are forced to work yet another holiday when you worked the last 3. 


Wow, my goodness, my thankful post became quite a rant didn't it?  Back to the happy thoughts.


I'm so thankful Tate is such a laid back child.  I can be late and he's still happy as a clam.  He didn't even nap today at daycare!  :O! Yet he still came home, let me race him through dinner, took a bath, sang songs with me (his favorite is now screeching the last word in each line of "You Are My Sunshine", and then his eyes were closed by 655p.  And he was in the crib snoring away at 658p.  We had 68 minutes together tonight.  So not nearly enough.  But as I held him while we rocked he nestled his head into my neck tonight and took those sweet baby boy breaths as he drifted off to sleep.  His warm head against my shoulder and neck took my breath away.  I'm so very grateful that God chose me to parent him.  

Listening....

Tate was in bed almost asleep at 7:11pm tonight.  In fact for the past 2 weeks or so he has asked to go to bed.  Of course part of this is that his beloved hippo and sue-y are patiently waiting for him upstairs in his crib, but he will invariably say between 6 and 615 'I want to go night-night.'  And up the stairs we go.  He grabs his loveys from the crib, reads some books to himself while I get his bath ready.  Then he places hippo and sue-y in 'their spot' by the tub and he plays for a bit, gets bathed and then he's out, usually within 10 minutes or so.  Then down to the business of going to bed :)  And lately he has fought to keep his eyes open during my singing him lullabies while rocking after prayers.  He easily goes into the crib and hasn't tossed and turned like he did for so many months until 730pm or so (though he never ever fussed about lazing around in bed).  Of course I know that this could all change on a dime, and so as I've finally learned when it comes to Tate and sleep I have GOT TO LET IT GO :).  I really cannot control when he falls asleep, so I get him to bed at a decent hour and have to leave it to him to fall asleep.  I spent more months than I can count trying to get Tate to sleep according to all the recommendations and once I realized he just needs less sleep than the 'average' baby our lives became soooooo much better.  Sheesh.  Soooooooo much better.


In any event as always I put him in the crib and came downstairs to decompress for 10-15 minutes with the intention of cleaning up, making lunches/snacks for tomorrow, starting packing to go to my parents on Wednesday and the myriad of items on my never ending to-do list.  


But tonight I listened to my exhausted body.  I just had absolutely no energy, so I laid down on the couch and took a nap until 917pm.  It felt great.  I woke up a few times in the midst of napping with then intentions of getting up in 10 minutes each time, but I just couldn't gather the strength.  I just didn't have it in me.


Will I be totally stressed tomorrow running around like a crazy person, doing laundry, making dishes for Thursday, packing...probably, but I hope to remember how good I feel tonight.  But I needed this.  I have not laid down on that couch since Tate was born with no other agenda besides just being a lazy bum.  It felt so good to pretend I had nothing else to do for those 120 minutes.


So, tonight I'm thankful that I listened to my body, mind and soul and just did something I wanted to do without a care as to what the repercussions would be.  It was like I finally put myself first.  And to most napping like that doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but to me it is.  I have spent the past 28 months doing for someone else all the time.  And even when I go out with friends I'm anxious to get home, not because I don't want to leave Tate with someone else, but because I'm focused on (a) the fact that he'll be up at 515am and I'm going to be exhausted if I don't get home soon or (b) I could be doing 16 zillion things at home instead of being out.  That's just sad....a sad realization.


From now on when I'm able to go out and be with friends doing adult activities I'm going to do my best to enjoy where I am and who I'm with.  I need to put myself on the priority list.  And though I know I won't be partying it up until 1am because yes that little person of mine will be up singing at 515 in the morning, I can make the most of the time I have to myself.  I deserve it.  And Tate deserves a mother who can show him that self-love is almost if not more important than the love of someone else.  Because if we can't love and care for ourselves how can we really ever love or care for someone else?


On a completely different note,  Aunt Lindsey picked Tate up from daycare tonight.  She went running while he ate dinner and got ready to go to bed.  She came upstairs to read stories and say good night while I was getting things organized.  She decided to do some stomach exercises and of course Tate decided his lower abdomen needed some tending to...

A Hand Down!

There have so many who have come before Tate and we are indebted to them.  Now I'm not talking about children of other SMCs, I'm talking about my girlfriends' kids.  And this isn't life altering or life changing, just something that puts a smile on my face.  There are a set of 6 year old twin boys and another 6 year old boy in this awesome group of friends of mine...my tribe.  And there's little J who just turned 3 earlier this month.  Then there's my sweet Baby Tate almost 28 months old who is reaping the benefits of these 4 little men!


What am I talking about???  Hand me downs!!  Gently and torn up, previously worn clothes!!  The hand-me-downs are awesome!!  Just awesome!!  Allison, J's mom, brought by 7 huge and I mean absolutely huge trash bags of clothes for me to go through the night of our girls' Thanksgiving dinner.  I was overwhelmed by the amount and the generosity.  As I went through the clothes I was just blown away.  Absolutely stunned....there were even clothes in there with the tags still on.  Now granted with J only being 9 months older than my Tate and about the same height as Tate I don't get the clothes as quickly, but I was able to fill two huge bags of winter items for Tate!!!


And even better I'm able to pay it forward.  I went through and divided the remaining bags of clothes AND shoes (probably 30 pairs of shoes, none of which will fit Tate sadly).  I am giving half the items to my assistant at work and the other half to one of the teachers of Tate's daycare.  It's very obvious his daycare teacher is struggling and she has an 8 month old little boy, so I know these clothes which span 12-24 months and ALL seasons will come in handy for both her and my assistant whose little boy is 15 months old.


For those who don't know me, I love clothes and make-up.  Ok well I used to before I gained so much weight (see post from a few days ago entitled 'Cues').  And prior to having Tate nothing made me happier than going to the mall and shopping.  And shoes...ahhh shoes.  I'll be 45 next year.  Another girlfriend in our 'tribe' will be turning 45 as well.  Our presents to ourselves are going to be a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes....I CANNOT wait!  Since having Tate I shop for him like I used to shop for myself.  And OMG if I had had a little girl I would have been in the poor house.  (do not get me started on the horrors of little boy clothing offerings...that's another post or 2 or 4).  


But I'm not a fountain of money.  I have to have some restraint.  There's retirement to be funded, college to be saved for, groceries to be bought, emergency savings to be replenished since being off 11 weeks for maternity leave unpaid, the fact that I have no paid sick time and that it's just me responsible for the well being of my sweet child and myself.  That's daunting, unnerving, scary and all around mind boggling, so I'm always counting pennies.


So, though I know this is very materialistic tonight I'm grateful for the beautiful clothes that have been given to Tate and by extension two very deserving children (who will get these clothes after this season).    We are so very lucky.

Sporting a new outfit courtesy of our tribe!  Spiffy!!

Tate's new to him new daycare clothes!

And his new to him new weekend  clothes!

His summer and fall/winter  daycare wardrobe... of note
 because there are still so many short sleeved shirts being worn in November!

My favorites!!  His festive weekend wardrobe!

 This boy has more clothes than his mama!

I'm a bit embarrassed that Tate has so much when there are so many with so little.  I took these pictures so I would always have a reminder of this.  I definitely intend to show him these pictures someday, and as soon as he's old enough to understand he will go with me when I donate his toys and clothing.  I'm also patently aware that tomorrow is never guaranteed for any of us...no matter how hard we work, no matter how much money we make, no matter who we are.  An illness, an accident, you can never know.  And in these devestating economic times, I'm even more aware that nothing in this life is a certainty except our dear Father and love.  And I love this little boy.  I love him so much.  


So, tonight I'm grateful for the generosity of friends.  They are keeping my sweet boy warm this winter.  

Old Friends

This morning Tate and I met his godmother, one of my pledge sisters/sorority sisters and her daughter at the Museum of Health and Medical Science for a bit before we headed off to Gymboree.  He LOVES his Aunt S. and her daughter.  Whenever the garage door opens here on the weekend he asks if it's Aunt S in his sweet little voice.  They gave him his tent/tunnel contraption and he raves about them most times when he plays with it.

Tate's Baptism

S and I met our freshman year in college.  I remember hanging out in her dorm room one night getting ready to go out to a frat party that first semester in college.  As I sat there watching her get ready she looked at me and said "I'm so glad we're friends...I know we are going to be friends for life".  Truer words have never been spoken.  We pledged the same sorority that spring, lived together our junior year and now live in the same city and have since graduation.  (she was from Guatemala by way of Ohio).  She spent a few holidays with my family and they also adore her.


And here we are today.  26 years later still the best of friends.  How lucky am I?  And how blessed is Tate to have her as his godmother.


Then this afternoon another sorority sister stopped by.  She was in town from San Antonio.  Shannon was one of 'my' freshman when I was an SA (sophomore advisor) and pledged ADPi that spring of her freshman year.  I loved this girl and still do...she was/is fun, full of life, spunk, funny, outgoing and just a joyful person.  We haven't really kept in touch, but no matter.  We're sisters, friends.  That bond we have from that amazing place will keep us together.  And Tate was just all over her...talking to Shannon, showing her his favorite books, demanding she come upstairs and play.  I loved hearing him yell down the stairs..."Guys!!  Come upstairs guys!"to the girls.  Shannon came by with another friend from Southwestern.  I didn't know Angele that well, but she and Shannon had been roommates at some point in Shannon's college career.  Tate took to her just as well!!


So, tonight I'm so thankful for these sistergirls in my life.  And they are but two of the amazing women and men in my life all these years after my wonderful experience at our alma mater, Southwestern University.  And that place, that amazing place will be the subject of another post.  


Tonight, I'm blessed with the memories of 4 years spent with some amazing people.  Some amazing people I am still so very lucky to consider friends and to have in my life.  My prayer for Tate is that he will this kind of love in his life when he's my age and way beyond.  

Shannon and I ran into each at the Keith Urban concert at the rodeo in March 2010.!!!

Just The Two of Us

Tonight I'm thankful for the quiet of my home.  I'm thankful it's just me and my sweet boy.  Just the two of us.  Sure there are times when I wish I had a partner to share my life with, our life with, but tonight I'm thrilled it's just the two of us.  


I'm in desperate need of some downtime, so much needed sleep.  And it's been great tonight to just hang out at home and just be.  My house is a wreck.  There are tons of clothes to be washed, carpets my cat has christened, grocery bags to be unloaded, bills to go through and just tons of stuff to be picked up and put away.


But Tate certainly doesn't care about any of that.  He just wants a mommy who is present and with him and not reading him a story in between loads of laundry or a mommy is beyond grumpy from exhaustion.


As such I'm going to end this pretty quickly here and head off to bed.  Thankful I don't have someone else to impress, don't have someone else to clean up after, don't have someone who wants to talk my ear off or watch a movie with me that I'd rather not see anyway and there's noone here to hog the covers tonight who is taller than 36 inches (of course if Tate needs a middle of the night cuddle I'm all available). :)


Tonight I'm so thankful God has brought me this child as a single mama by choice.  I love our life.


Just the two of us.

Thanksgiving Feast

Today was Tate's little Thanksgiving Feast at his sweet little school.  I was supposed to work half a day, but I told them I needed to leave at 1030 because I wasn't about to miss his little program.  This is probably just the start of leaving earlys for Tate's activities, but I intend to be as present as I can to as many of his activities as I can.


My parents took him to his swim lessons for me this morning as there are no make-ups for swim lessons at this swim school.  My mom has probably taken 4-6 times already.  She's so awesome...she suits up and gets in the pool with him just like I do!  How lucky am I to have my parents available to do this for us.  They dropped Tate off at school so he could prepare with his little friends for the day's event.  I met them here at home and we went on over to the school in time for the feast!


It was as organized as you can get with 50-60 kids running amok.  Not many of them joined in for the singing and many were crying being kept from their parents who were all trying to get photo ops!  Tate did well and didn't try to get to me or my parents, but he also was too busy just taking everything in and only participated when given a musical instrument to play during one of the songs.


But he's just so adorable. I love watching him interact with his classmates and teachers.  We then ate lunch, well I had brought Tate a lunch from home as I can never be sure what people put in homemade items.  But me and my parents have some of the yummy offerings.  I brought Tate home with me and put him down for his nap and then joined him about 45 minutes later.  It was a great afternoon for the both us...I so needed that nap!


The rest of the day was uneventful.  We ran to Target then came home and just hung out, the two of us.  


The two of us.  I so love the sound of that.


The two of us.  Me and my sweet sweet boy!

Cues

Well tonight I'm eternally grateful for my seemingly good health.


Two weeks ago today I started having alot of dull pain in my lower right abdomen, in the area of my right ovary.  I chalked it up to the fact that I was probably ovulating as it had been 15 days since my period....so right on time.  I have had more discomfort with ovulation ever since I delivered Tate.  I can almost always tell which side I ovulate on as it's a bit sore/tender.  But this was much different.  It was really uncomfortable.  Advil helped, so I gobbled them down.  And of course the very morning I started hurting I had read an article in the 'O' magazine about a woman who had been on some sort of international trip and had a dull ache in her ovaries and turned out to have ovarian cancer.  


Cue my anxiety.


I really thought the discomfort would go away and it did to an extent, but it was still very present.  Just not as intense.  So I decided to ride it out and NOT google ovarian cancer on the internet.  That lasted about 48 hours.  I googled it.


Cue my paranoia.


Apparently the symptoms of ovarian cancer are pretty ambiguous.  I also managed to conveniently  forget briefly that I had a history of ovarian cysts from less than 2 years ago.  I was having such issues with heavy periods and clotting that I had a diagnostic ultrasound and a biopsy and all was normal save the large cysts.  How could I have forgotten this?  So while reading about ovarian cancer I noted that the many websites included cysts in their differential diagnosis.


Cue my light bulb to go off.


So, off I go to google ovarian cysts.  And lo and behold they can rupture and cause all kinds of pain and be a bit of a hazard to one's health.


Cue my freak out button.


I gobbled down my Advil and went about my days though.  The discomfort was there, but not getting worse.  I thought about calling my ob/gyn, but get this I'm so distraught about having to get weighed and disappointing my ob/gyn (I've been seeing her since I was 14 when I had some medical issues,  she is like a mom to me...she's just fantastic) that I didn't want to go in.  Isn't that just absurd.  What the hell?  I'm a grown woman, granted a grown woman making poor food choices, but a grown woman.  


Cue my frustration with myself.


Then last Thursday I felt better.  The pain wasn't constant.  I thought I was in the clear.  Then BAM Friday I was feeling so much worse, now this wasn't debilitating, just most unpleasant and worse after sitting/laying down for a period of time that I got worried again.   I finally called my doc's office but they close early on Fridays, and I had missed them.


Cue my guilt for putting this off.


And then much to my surprise my period started on Saturday, 5 days early.  That in and itself confused me greatly, and my cycle length has been getting shorter and shorter each month....is this perimenopause?


Cue my disbelief!


So then the cramping and the headaches come along with the bowel disruption!  And the lingering pain in my belly.  More Advil ingested.  Monday I called and left a message for the triage nurse for an appointment with my doc today.  She was really kind, but she couldn't reassure me that nothing was wrong.


Cue my nervous waiting.


The week progressed uneventfully.  The pain has subsided quite a bit, but every now and then it's back.  So today I saw my beloved Dr. K.  She did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound.  She's awesome and always points everything out to me on the u/s.  I got to see my cute little ovaries and my fabulous uterus! Everything was in working order.  I didn't have any discomfort when she did her external or internal exam.  And she saw no cysts either or any evidence that any had ruptured though she said it could be a possibility but it was not within the past 3-4 days.  My ovaries look great she said, just some follicles present (eggs).  She decided that it was probably just normal menstrual discomfort and my ovaries were stretching quite a bit causing a muscle type ache.  Her only other concern was appendicitis, but as I'm having no other symptoms of that...fever, nausea, vomiting etc...she feels that can be ruled out.  I've been sent home with orders to sleep on the opposite from where the pain is, take Aleve (as opposed to Advil), apply heat the offending area and to have another baby.  


ANOTHER BABY?!?! 


YEP! ANOTHER BABY!!


She has been on me to have another baby and soon since my well woman exam in March.  She just thinks I need 2!  But unless she's going to be my live-in nanny, doula, housekeeper, cook, chauffeur and wet nurse it's not happening.


I am to call back if the pain worsens or isn't significantly better in 3-4 weeks and get a referral to a GI doc.  I'm confident though that this is what she says it is...my ovaries just working hard and me being much more in tune with my body since delivering Tate.


Cue my relief.

So tonight I'm taking the many cues God has given me to work on getting my health back on track.  A few weeks ago, I got a little whisper when after my physical my cholesterol came back high (no real shock) necessitating pharmaceutical intervention.  Now this.  I've got to take much better care of this body that I've been given to inhabit on this beautiful earth.  Tate deserves to have a mother for many, many, many years in good health who can play with him, run around with him, teach him how to ride a bike, how to drive a car, how to hold a door for a woman, how to raise his own kids.  I love this baby too much to live my life in fear.  Neither of us deserves that.  So it's time to get started.  This is going to be a great ride!


Cue my determination.  

So Very Tired

I'm so tired tonight.  Not unlike the rest of my nights for the past 2 years 3 months and 23 days :).  But it's a good tired, well maybe just an ok tired.


But tonight I'm thankful that I have a warm bed upstairs just waiting for me to climb in.  My room is comfy and cozy and my bed is AWESOME.  (of course my mattress is a couple of years past the what 7 or 8 years you're supposed to keep a mattress, but I digress)  


And best of all I've got an amazing roommate.  I get to sleep in the same room with my fabulous little boy.  Though he tosses and turns and fusses as he re-situates himself a few times during the night searching for that much loved hippo and that much adored pacifier (which we are working on getting rid of...we're giving them to Santa to pass out to all the babies on Christmas...will this make him detest Santa?  I hope not!  I may need to re-think this).  Anyway, I don't get 7-8 hours of straight sleep since I hear his every whine and fuss, but for as much as I complain about being tired I'm loathe to change our sleeping arrangements.  


So back to being thankful for a warm, cozy bed.  I'll be safe and warm.  And I'll get to do one of my favorite pasttimes...sleep.  Ahhhh.  


I'm off!

Books A Million

I love to read.  Love love love to read.  My closet's top shelf is wall to wall books (I have a HUGE walk in closet).  I keep a book in my master bath bathroom, a different one in the half bath on the second floor and yet another in the first floor bath room.  I have one at my office.  I'm finally caving and told my parents I would like a Kindle for Christmas.


I can't remember a time I didn't love reading.  We used to drive across the country to get back to Virginia to visit family from Texas every other summer.  My mother would spend every other minute telling me I needed to appreciate at least some of the gorgeous scenery of this gorgeous country of ours and to look up from my book from time to time.  From Nancy Drew to Little Women to The Great Gatsby to The Help I love them all.  I'm most a fan of romantic novels but thoroughly enjoy most fiction save science fiction and bloody/gory mysteries.


I always hoped my child(ren) would also love books.  I got my wish.


I'm so thankful tonight that Tate seems to really love reading even at the tender age of 2.  When I tell him to go play while I clean the kitchen or clean up etc invariably he'll run into the living room where all his toys are and sit down and start going through his books.  I'll hear his sweet little voice just reading out loud to anyone or anything who will listen.  His favorite pasttime with me is having me read to him.  He can sit for hours to be read to.  I love it.


His favorites these days to read to himself are "Green Eggs and Ham," "Subway," "No More Pacifiers for Piggy," (when is this going to translate to no more pacifiers for Tate?), "Central Park Serenade," (an absolutely lovely lovely book and anything "Maisy."  


I hope to continue to foster this love of reading for Tate.  For whenever you have a book you have a friend, fun places to visit, cool things to see, amazing things to learn and dreams to dream.  It's so awesome to be able to go to places your feet have yet to be able to take you.


So I'm so very grateful that Tate is embracing the written word.  The love of reading is something I always wanted to share with my child;  I hope it's something we can do together for many many years to come.

Tonight as he sat on the potty doing his business

At night after he falls asleep I put books in his bed for him to 'read' when he wakes up
 so he'll give me about a few more minutes of sleep hopefully!

Waiting for his surgery...the only things I needed to bring
 him to entertain him were books.

Changing with the Times!

This evening like all other evenings Tate and I skyped with my parents at dinner time.  We've been doing that for the past 4-5 months or so.  I get Tate situated in the highchair and we call my parents on the computer.  It's just so great.  He gets to see them almost every single day.  My parents enjoy it as much if not more than my baby does.  Watching my dad dance, make silly faces and goofy noises brings a smile to my heart each and every time.  And seeing my mom smile and just relax as she interacts with her grandson makes me so very happy.


And Tate just giggles and offers them bits of his food that they make all the appropriate chewing noises and faces that accompany eating :).  Just recently he's started really interacting with them by responding to questions and 'telling them about his day.'  Previously he would just smile and laugh. 


So tonight I'm grateful for technology and as far as we've come in this, the computer age.  I also have Tate skype with Christian when possible.  The time difference makes this extremely difficult, but we just skyped with Christian and his family this past Saturday.  It was so much fun...we were online together for over an hour.  Tate had a ball.  He really enjoyed himself which surprised me.  He showed off all his artwork and danced with Christian.  He played with his tunnel/tent and was sure to show them how it worked.  He played his Elmo guitar and had all his Keith Urban moves down.  


I've always found myself to be ambivalent to technology. Yes, I have an iPhone and now I have a MacBook, but really and truly I see nothing special about them.  I had two Dells prior to this, and meh! they're all the same.  Open the laptop, push the keys and voila! 


But it's more than that isn't it?  It's about connections to a great extent.  And I'm so thrilled that Tate is growing up with this capability in his life.  No matter how far apart we are we will be able to be connected, in real time, face to face.  How lucky is he?! How lucky am I?    ( of course this is predicated on the fact that I hope he'll always want that face time with me when it's possible!!)


As I finish this post tonight I think of all the people who will read this and have a glimpse into our little lives.  Hopefully, someone will laugh, someone will see themselves, someone will feel connected to us.  And years from now, I'll be able to show this blog to Tate and he will have a glimpse into how his life started here with me.  I still try to keep handwritten journals of my deepest thoughts and feelings, the ones way too personal to share, but I'm so glad to have this place to share with all of you.  Twenty years ago this wouldn't have been possible for me.  


So, I'm going to use my technology to load a video of Tate skyping.  I'm so very glad to be able to have a place to keep my memories of my sweet boy and our lives together.  Thanks for stopping by!

This video was just taken this past Saturday, November 12, 2011.  We were skyping with Christian who was in Frankfurt visiting his parents.  Tate insisted upon dancing to this song with Christian though he gets a bit shy at times.  We had a wonderful time visiting with them on Skype for over an hour!!  Such a blessing!!

He's Home!

Tonight I'm thankful that my sweet boy is back home where he belongs!


He's upstairs sound asleep in his crib with his hippo, his Prickles, his Corduroy and his Pink Bear.  And the ever present Sue-Y.  


I've checked on him twice already, run my hand over his lovely curls.


When I rocked him tonight he put that gorgeous head right in the crook of my neck and just held on and then his breathing even out and I could feel his sweet breath on my neck.  I could feel his warm, cuddly, soft body against mine and all was right in my world again.


And no I didn't really sleep well.  I woke up so many times I lost count.  I finally gave up and got out of bed at 7:51am.  I am not well rested.  I didn't catch up on my sleep.


But we did it.  We slept apart.  22.15 miles separated us and we did it.  Tate ended up in bed with his Grandmommy halfway through the night, but they had a dandy time.  He slept well, and she promised me she got some sleep as well though he did his normal toddler acrobatics all night long!  When I got to my parents' he and my mom were outside blowing bubbles and playing on the slide (in short sleeves no less...November in Houston! Sigh).  He barely acknowledged my presence.  Until I went back to my car.  Then all hell broke loose...tears, running after me.  


Mommy's not leaving sweet boy.  I'm here.  I'm here.


And tonight he's here.  He's here.  


We're here together.  

Home Alone

I'm just home from our annual Girls' Thanksgiving Dinner that I spend every year around this time with my amazing girlfriends.  Rebecca makes a fabulous turkey and dressing and channels her inner Martha while the other 6 of us bring delicious side dishes.  It's a great night of amazing food made with love, good wine, laughter, joy, silliness and the love of great friends.  


The past two years I've had my parents watch Tate and spend the night here at my house.  This year however I chose to take Tate to my parents' and let him spend the night there.


This is the first night since he was born that we have spent the night separated from one another.


842 nights together.


829 nights in the same room together as I spent a few nights in the room downstairs when I was sick or just wanted to try to get some better rest.


And I miss him.


I just went upstairs to change my clothes.  The door to our room was open like I left it when I ran downstairs to leave when Ali picked me up a few hours ago.  I didn't have to be quiet when I went in.


The crib is empty.


The air purifier isn't running, nor is his lullaby music.  I don't hear him turning over or breathing that sweet boy breath.  It's unbelievably quiet.


The room has a completely different vibe.


As I leaned over the crib I could almost see him curled up in it last night.  I could see those beautiful brown eyelashes brushing those cheeks.  I imagined him sucking on his pacifier clutching his much loved hippo.  I can almost feel those sweet curls on his head as I stroke his head like I do every night when I come into the room to go to bed.


There's no little boy in that bed tonight.


And I'm sad.  I'm shocked by how much I miss him.  I'm surprised by how much my sleeping baby fills up my room with his mere presence even in sleep.  I'm amazed how much I feel like a huge part of me is missing.  


And I'm grateful.


I'm grateful that my parents are so amazing and are taking such great care of my precious boy tonight.  My mom is sleeping in the bed in the room where Tate sleeps in his crib at their house.  They played with my sweet boy all afternoon taking him to the park and playing games and dancing with him.  My mom said Tate was pretty quiet during his bath and bedtime routine, I'm sure wondering where I was and what was going on.  But he went on to sleep she said and he'll wake in the morning to two of his favorite people.


So, tonight I'm grateful for this respite 2 years, 3 months and 20 days into his wonderful life.  I need the rest (here's hoping I don't just wake up anyway tomorrow morning at 530a!) and we need to learn that it's ok to be separated from one another every once in a GREAT LONG while.  I am going to miss his sweet hug in the morning with his 'Good Morning Sunshine', but I know that as soon as I get to my parents' house I'll be greeted with a big smile and a kiss.  


So I'm off to bed to get some much needed sleep and hopefully I'll sleep in a bit!!


And also the sooner I go to sleep the sooner I can go get my boy!!!  


Some pictures of my sweet Baby Tate over the past 2 years sleeping the sleep of the angels!!