My Little Conversationalist

Wow!  Tate is just talking up a storm!!  Every single day I'm amazed by all the new words that come out of  his mouth and almost always in the appropriate context.


My new favorite word to hear him say is 'mosquito.'  Last night he shrieked from in the living room amongst his toys 'There's a mosquito!'  From my perch in the bathroom (a whole other story about never peeing along at home anymore) 'Where?'   Eyes roll to the sky 'Right there!' pointing to everything and nothing.  I didn't even know he knew what a mosquito was.  He flapped his arms about trying to get it away from himself.  I had to stifle a giggle to see my sweet little 2 year old flailing about over a mosquito.  He brings me such joy.


Lindsey's best friend is Tiffany.  She and Tiffany meet over here pretty often to run around and do all the festive things those in their late 20s do :)  Tiffany drives a silver Honda Civic.  A few weeks ago she left her car in my garage while the two of them went out in Lindsey's car.  Tate and I got home from wherever we were and as we drove into the garage I pointed out that that was Aunt Tiffany's car.  Nothing special, no big deal.  I gave it no thought.


Sunday morning we were walking through a parking lot at the grocery store.  Tate's holding my hand taking in all the cars around him.  All of a sudden he pulls me to a stop and says 'Tiffany's car.'  I just couldn't fathom what he was saying...I look to my right and lo and behold there is a silver Honda right next to us.  How on earth did he remember that from one experience?  That she drives a silver Honda?  He amazes me.


I love when I play a song on the radio in the car and he pipes in from the back 'Don't like that one!'  Unless we're playing a Keith Urban, Sugarland or his ABC music from school he doesn't like that one.  He makes me laugh.


Now when I do something he doesn't find amusing he points a finger at me and says 'Stop Mom-my' and he'll try to bop me on the head if he can.  (the bopping will get him a time out)  If I'm singing to a song and I'm off key to him I'm told to stop.  If I'm reading a story he's not interested in I'm told to stop.   He keeps me on my toes.


And the clever wake up message!!  'MOOOMMMMYYY!!  Poops!'  'More poops Mommy!'  He knows this is sure to have me out of bed in seconds flat.  However, now that I've responded in record time to the dirty diaper he has determined it's the best way to get me moving in the morning.  Now more often than not he has no poops, but I'm never sure, so he gets to get up when he wants.  This does not make me happy.  We're working on the honesty thing.  He makes me shake my head.


When we're going somewhere and we're on our way down the stairs he'll say 'Come on Mommy.  Bye Cat.  Let's go Mommy!' as he traverses the stairs all on his own.  He loves going bye-bye.  He continues to surprise me.


From telling me 'More cheerios RIGHT there' as he points to the exact place in the bowl for more cereal to 'Put hippo in his spot' in the evenings (we put his lovey in a special spot on the side of the tub during bathtime.  To 'Where'd it/he/she go?' to 'Tate tvs' when he wants to watch videos of himself. He has me right where he wants me :)


And I love, love, love listening to him read books to himself or his animals (usually his hippo).  When I stop to really listen he is actually saying the words almost exactly right page by page.  Especially his Maisy's Pool book.  He even has my cadence down when he reads that book with the appropriate hand gestures and sounds!!  His favorite thing it seems when he's playing by himself is to read books out loud to his loveys and our cat.  He makes me beyond happy with his love of the written word.


And my all time favorite...'Good Job Tate!!'  The first time I heard him say it he had put his shoes on by himself for the first time albeit on the wrong feet.  It was just over a month ago, and he was SO proud of himself!!!  Then I hear this little voice say 'Good job Tate!  Yay Tate Tate!'  Absolutely priceless to me.


He brings me more joy than I thought possible.  This little boy of mine, just pure bliss.

Tate Meets His Godfather!!!

Friday, September 16th, Tate and I flew off to Atlanta, Georgia to meet his godfather, my dear friend from college, Roland.  Roland missed his baptism because his brother-in-law had a heart attack the day before he was supposed to fly over here for the ceremony. 


Roland and I met our freshman year of college at Southwestern University.  We were both science majors and spent many hours in lab over the course of 4 years.  However, I wouldn't say we were particularly close; certainly we were way more than acquaintances and studied together quite a bit, but as far as someone I would sit down and just hang out with, not so much.


We did have one very special mutual friend.  Jaysn Jameson.  Jaysn was a Pike, and I was Pike little sister, and he chose me to be his big sister (Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity).  Oh and I am also an ADPi (Alpha Delta Pi sorority!) :)  Roland had rushed Jaysn hard to become a Phi Delt, but Jaysn knew better and pledged Pike.  They remained close friends throughout our time at SU. 


Once we graduated, the year before Jaysn, Roland and I spent some time hanging out, but again not frequently.  We were both in Houston.  Once Jaysn graduated he moved to Freeport and started scuba diving.  In October 1991, Jaysn was on a dive with a friend and was caught in a severe undertow that pulled them too far from their dive boat.  They were found the following morning by the Coast Guard, but Jaysn had passed away overnight from exposure.


When I returned home from work that Thursday evening of Jaysn's death I had 6 messages on my answering machine.  Two from my father, one from Jaysn's girlfriend, one from another dear friend and 2 from Roland all begging me to call as soon as I got the message.  With a sinking heart, I knew something had happened to my dear Jaysn. I just had to decide who to have tell me.


I chose Roland.


From that day forward he has become the brother I always wanted.  He makes me laugh, he keeps me in check, he supports me, he lets me know when he thinks I'm making bad decisions, he loves my family,  my family loves him, his parents are fabulous (in fact they met Tate when he was about 6 months old!!  Before Roland did!!).  His wife has been so welcoming to me in allowing us to continue our friendship.  They have 2 beautiful children, and I've been traveling to visit them over the years since Roland moved away, met Sharon and had the kids.  It's a wonderful friendship.


So, when it came to choosing a godfather for Tate, it was something I didn't have to even think about.  There would be noone else but Roland.


We've been trying to plan a trip this past year, and this weekend was perfect as I had both Monday and Friday off.  So Tate and I packed, ok I packed, our bags to fly off to Georgia!  My parents drove us to the airport on Friday morning (they are so amazing!!!!)  Kisses were given, hugs all around, and Tate and I headed into the airport!  Just me and my little guy!!


Security was a breeze; shoes off, hippo/pacifier through scanner, Tate walked through to the TSA agent on his own and we got our stuff back with no problems.  We even wheeled our HEAVY Sunshine carseat through the airport with him strapped in...he thought that it was super cool to be in his carseat on the floor while it was wheeled around!!!

Lunch on the plane

We did some plane watching and a bit of running around.  Once we got on the teeny tiny plane I got the carseat in place (that is WORK!) and Tate situated.  I gave him his lunch while we sat at the gate..his favorite...chicken nuggets.  Then lo and behold he fell asleep as we waited to take off!!!!  Needless to say I nodded on and off while he slept.  I had planned it this way as we took off right before his naptime, but I was really worried he might not sleep.  And I'm super excited he didn't get motion sickness on either flight, going or coming.  I did however give him the benadryl as recommended by my ped to prevent vomiting due to air sickness.  

He woke up for about the last 30 minutes of the flight, but was in a really good mood!  We got off the plane last with minimal difficulty with the aforementioned monstrosity of a carseat :).  


Atlanta's International Airport is the busiest airport in the world.  And it's huge.  But Tate and I maneuvered with ease, changing his diaper once we landed, getting situated in the carseat on the Go-Go BabyZ and riding the train to the main terminal.

On the airport train!

And there was Uncle Roland to pick us up!!!  Yay!!


We got our luggage and stroller from baggage claim, and we were off!!  The weather was just fabulous.  Coming from temps over 100 STILL, the low 80s were a welcome respite.  We got everything loaded in the car, Tate strapped into his carseat and we were on our way.  


It had been planned that we would be going to Ian's (4 year old) t-ball game, but Sharon called as we were driving home to say he had a fever of 102, so that was going to be a no go.  And I cringed inwardly.  Fever of 102...just what I need to expose Tate to....a sick kid.  But what do you do?  I said a silent prayer that Ian would feel better quickly and that Tate would be so shy at first per his normal that he wouldn't really be that close to Ian this first evening.


We got to their lovely home and Sharon and Ava (7 year old) came out to greet us.  Hugs all around and our weekend began.  Ava was thrilled to play little mommy!

Hanging with Mama Ava!!!

It's always difficult for others to truly understand Tate's allergies.  I think people just don't think it could really be that big of a deal until they see how he has reacted in person or in pictures.  Sharon had graciously picked up some food items for us, so we were set for a few things.  The kids had dinner together and had a blast.  Tate surprised me and just took right to Ian and Ava!!  He was in heaven to have other kids around.  And he fell in love with their beautiful labs...Abby and Max.  He spent the weekend hugging both dogs and loving them!!

Tate does always have an extremely difficult time going to sleep the first time he is in a new place.  In addition Roland and Sharon had a toddler bed for him to sleep in as opposed to a pack 'n' play.  I really didn't anticipate that he would stay in a toddler bed much less fall asleep in it on his own.  We went upstairs around 7 to get ready for bed and do as much of our normal routine as possible, though this was a late start for him.  (I was also exhausted after a long day of travel).  He would not settle down.  We read stories, we rocked, we laid down together, I got frustrated, he got more antsy and it went on and on.  Finally, I texted Roland downstairs that he and Sharon should just go on to sleep because I was getting nowhere with Tate.  Finally, finally around 920pm he fell asleep in my arms laying on the bed.  I gingerly moved him to the toddler bed and he woke immediately.  I ended up putting him in bed with me and oh my it was a very long night.  He tossed and turned and kicked and poked me all night long.  In addition the bed was quite high and a double bed.  I was beyond worried he would fall out the entire night; in fact at one point I woke to him headed off the bed, thankfully feet first.  So, I was up every hour with him trying to get comfortable and worried sick he was going to get hurt.


615 am came very early Saturday morning.  Tate woke like he had slept for 12 long, peaceful, rejuvenating hours.  Me not so much.


We played in our room for a bit until a little tow haired girl came wandering in to play around 7am.  Ian was not far behind!  Our day began.  The kids had breakfast and played outside on the fabulous swingset Tate had been initiated into the night before.  The dogs were happy to have the company!  Later on, Sharon, Ava and Roland took the puppies for a walk, while I stayed behind with the boys.  Ian seemed no worse for the wear after his fever, so I let Tate join him in his parents' bed for a few minutes while Ian watched some little television program that Tate had no real interest in.  They were beyond cute together.

Later that morning Roland and I loaded up the kids and headed to a little art festival in downtown Roswell while Sharon finished packing to head off to Germany in the early afternoon for work.  The trip came up a few weeks after we planned my visit, and she was unable to get out of it :(.  We wandered around the festival, and after having some lunch, Tate was asleep in his stroller!!!  Yay!!  Sharon joined us for about an hour then she left for the airport.  Again, she is amazing and so generous to allow me to be part of her family.  I am very lucky Roland chose her to be his wife!!  She seems to really understand how important he is to me, this brother of mine I always wanted!

Ian and Ava played a bit longer;  Tate woke after about an hour and the kids made sand art, then we were off to the house.  The afternoon was just gorgeous, so the kids played outside for quite some time.  We then moved the festivities into the house to their basement which was almost like mecca for Tate.  The kids ran around and around and around...a fabulous time!  After dinner I took Tate upstairs at his normal time to start his bedtime routine.  We did bathtime, books, prayers and rocking just like here at home.  I rocked him a bit longer with the hopes that he would get really sleepy and I could put him in the toddler bed.  He had a bit of a time settling again, but this time I put him in the toddler bed awake, kissed him and told him good-night.  I turned on his sound machine and monitor and left the room around 715pm.  I tiptoed downstairs to eat some dinner with Roland whose kids were giving him a bit of a rough time.  Overtiredness had set in especially for little Ian.   

Not a peep did I hear from Tate.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  

I couldn't believe it.  About 20 minutes later I tiptoed back upstairs and looked in on him.  This is what I saw...

Success!!

Sound asleep!!  He went to sleep on his own in this cute little bed!!  I was soooo excited, yet cautiously optimistic that he would make it the entire night in there on his own!

I went back downstairs to finish dinner and within 45 minutes I told Roland I was just exhausted and that I hoped he wouldn't mind if I just went on to bed.  He completely understood and I was in bed at 830pm!!  Life is good!!!


Sunday morning Tate climbed out of his little bed and onto my bed around 545.  A little early, but I was so well rested!!!  That is the best part of going on vacation...I have no chores I need to do at night, so an early night is always possible!!  Love it!


After breakfast, we loaded the kids up again and we headed to the Georgia Aquarium.  

This. Place. Is. Amazing.  If you're in Atlanta you must go to this aquarium. It is fabulous!!    We were there right when it opened at 10am.  I enjoyed it just as much as the kids did!!  And to add to my joy Tate fell asleep for his nap around noon and slept until about 115!!  We all had a great great time!!

Petting the sting rays!

We then ventured to lunch at the always yummy Johnny Rockets.  After I made sure there was some egg free fare we found a table and the kids had a blast with their ketchup characters!! (our waiter was great with the kids)  Tate had his other favorite food...French Fries!!!  This after I inquired to be sure he could have a grilled chicken breast made he could eat.  He didn't touch it!  But he did discover ketchup!!  He had never had it before.  I think he has a new favorite food!!  (ketchup IS a food, isn't it?)
 



























We headed home to just enjoy hanging out.  Roland ran some errands while I stayed home with the kids.   Ian napped, and Ava and Tate played in the backyard.

After playtime inside and out (in the festive basement) we got the kiddos ready for bed.  Once again Tate did awesome and went to sleep by himself in the toddler bed after some books and rocking by Mommy! I was so proud of him, though I have no intention of converting his crib to a toddler bed until he tries to climb out of the crib...I like him being safe (and contained!)

Monday morning Tate and I were up and ready to be picked up by our car service at 630am.  Roland had to take the kids to school and get to work, so we were more than happy to let him have the time he needed to get all that new week stuff started.  We got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  And once again Tate slept most of the way!!   This time as we landed he did look at me and say 'Ears Mama! Ears!'  But that was it; he didn't cry about it, and he moved on quickly to looking out the window.  Grandmommy and Papa picked us up and we were home by 11am;  plenty of time to enjoy the rest of our day!  Aunt Lindsey even came by that evening after work to welcome us home!


We had just a great, relaxing time in Atlanta.  Tate did amazingly well, minimal fussing and very few tears.  He just adored Ava, Ian and the puppies as well as his Uncle Roland and Aunt Sharon.  I'm so very thrilled that everything went so well.  It had been 4 years since I've seen them, and I've missed them, missed Roland and his funny quirks, his kidding around with me, his self-assuredness...his friendship in person.  He calls me every couple of weeks to check in, but it's not the same.  I'm so grateful we could spend some time in the same place.


This visit also solidified my choice to have Roland and Sharon as secondary guardians for Tate with my parents/Lindsey as my primary choice.  Obviously I'm keenly aware that life would be much different for Tate living in another state with non-family members and I pray this never happens, but if it did he will be well cared for and loved.  And though Roland is overwhelmed a bit when he has the kids on his own, he does it and does it well.   He reminds me a bit of myself when the kids are getting on his last nerve!!  :)  Single parenting is hard!!  But he loves his children; he loves his wife.  He's amazing with his mother and father who are just as kind and generous as he is.  And my parents love Roland as well.  He's one of the few friends I know that they truly care for and enjoy spending time with.  And though I fully realize noone will ever parent my child the way I would, I know he will be safe, cared for, educated, loved and happy .  Maybe not as happy as he would be with me, and my fervent prayer is that we never have to find this out.  I intend to be here for this little boy until he has children of his own for me to spoil!  Until then, I intend to make several more jaunts to Atlanta for him to hang with his Uncle Roland (and have them over here!  :)

Cuddles with Uncle Roland!

Dr. Maya Angelou AKA Aunt Lindsey did Tate's Bedtime Routine

Tonight Dr. Maya Angelou was in Houston for the Brilliant Lecture Series.  I got fabulous tickets for my parents and myself.  Our conversation with Maya Angelou started at 7pm.


7pm.  We had to be there at 7pm.  The conversation was set to begin at 7pm.


I'm usually rocking a sweet little boy named Tate after reading some bedtime stories at 7pm.


For the third time in his life someone else put Tate to bed for me.  And this time I was only able to spend about 5 minutes with my little guy after work.  My parents picked him for me (there was no reason for them to do so other than the fact that they LOVE being with their grandson) and took him to the park for a bit.  My sister, Lindsey came over to my place straight from work and according to my mother, told her "I've got Tate taken care of".  Lindsey loves her some Baby Tate, and I love her for it more than I did before he came into our lives if it's possible to love more. She got him dinner, set up the computer so he could watch his videos of himself and when I got home from work she was sitting beside him while he finished up his yogurt.


I had 30 minutes to change, put on some make-up and do my hair.  Tate barely acknowledged my presence when I got home so at ease was he with his grandparents and his favorite aunt.  By the time I was running back up the stairs with his hippo lovey which he had left in the car this morning, he was playing in the bathtub with Aunt Lindsey.  


I showed him where his hippo was in 'his place' by the tub and ran back down the stairs and off I went with my parents to St. Paul's Church.


I didn't say good-night to Tate.


I didn't say good-bye to Tate.


I didn't give a kiss to Tate.


I didn't say 'I love you' to Tate.


But I didn't even realize any of that until I was sitting in the church waiting for Dr. Angelou to come out.  I texted Lindsey to see how they were doing and she told me he was laying down in bed going to sleep already...this was around 710pm.


However, after she got him ready for bed, brushed his teeth and read him his stories, she got ready to rock him a bit before putting him in the crib.  She texted me that he looked around and asked for me.  That he got weepy and sad when he realized I wasn't there.  She said they 'hugged it out' and he was fine.  But it made my heart break.


I didn't tell him good-night.


I didn't tell him how much I love him.


I just ran out of the house.


As soon as I got home I ran upstairs to our room and just stroked his beautiful curls and whispered how much I love him.


I felt like a terrible mother.


He is the light of my life, how did I leave the house without assuring him I would be back?  


This little light of mine.  I know he knows I love him.  I know.  Tomorrow morning I'll hold him tighter and longer when he wakes up.  This little light of mine.


This little light of mine...that's how Dr. Angelou began her conversation with us tonight.  She says she wants her life to shine and be one of light and love for all those she meets.


I hope to carry some of her example with me as I continue this journey called life.  And I'm so blessed to have a little light walking around with me on this planet now.  My sweet Tate.  He certainly brings light to my life;  he truly lets his life shine.  The light of a child;  nothing is more precious.   Light and love.


Thank you Dr. Angelou for a evening full of light and love.

Surgery. Again.

He had an absolute blast at the surgeon's office.  And I LOVE the medical bench!
 He was beyond excited to see the fire truck as soon as we walked into the room!
 He was up and on it before the door closed!

Tate is circumcised.  The procedure was done on his second day on this planet.  I had never given circumcision much thought.  All my life, I had assumed if I had a son I would have him circumcised.  But times they are a-changing.  All of a sudden it is a much discussed debate, one I never paid, nor do I now, pay any mind to.  I had my reasons for wanting Tate circumcised.  I did however talk about it with Christian, since as a German male he is uncircumcised, and I knew he would have some feelings about it.  He was against it, but knowing that Tate is my child legally left the decision up to me.  So it was done.  


You're quickly shown and told how to care for the circumcised penis.  From keeping it moist and pushing the foreskin back with every diaper change.  In your post surgery, immense blood loss, new mother, aching, leaking haze you nod and say you understand and yes you can do it.  And I did, or I think I did.  But I never wanted to hurt him, so maybe I didn't push it back enough.  Christian tried to help while he was here that first week, and my mom was good about it each time she changed him.  I think we did it ok.


I'll never know.  About 2 months after he was born I was concerned because it seemed like the foreskin was adhering to his penis a bit much.  Our pediatrician pushed the skin back for us (not pleasant) and told me it was normal and that at some point it should remained detached? unattached? (what is the proper male term for this?!!!).  In any event, I brought it to her attention at most of his well baby checks and half of our visits included her trying to 'fix' the adhesion.


Then I stopped worrying about it.  Though my mother made mention a few times that his penis just didn't look as circumcised as my nephew's at that age.  I simply didn't know what to make of it all. Several women on my birth board posted about their sons' penises having the adhesion and the foreskin not looking right, and it seemed all the peds were not concerned.  I moved on.


Around 18 months of age I noticed what I thought was a very small cyst on the underside of his penis;  it was about 5 mm in length and 2 mm in width.  He didn't seem the least bothered by it.  I took him for an evaluation with our ped.  She said it was some redundant tissue left from the circumcision.   I couldn't believe I had never noticed it before.  She was able to 'squeeze' some of it out, but said it may come back, so we would probably need to see a pedi surgeon for removal.  However, it was nothing to worry about at this time.  At his 2 year check-up I brought it up again, and since it had gone back to its original size she referred us to the pediatric surgeon which is who we saw today.


He's a great little old man.  The office was fabulous, efficient, well staffed and RAN ON TIME!  We arrived 15 minutes early, filled out our paperwork, were brought back to our amazing room 5 minutes before our scheduled appointment time, and the medical assistant took Tate's medical history.  No sooner had he been out of the room 2 minutes that our surgeon walked in with a huge smile.  Tate was in heaven!  The exam bench was a fire truck.  There were great toys on the window sills!!  Tate laid down and let the doc examine him and move his little penis this way and that way with nary a fuss.  


Dr. B explained that Tate's circumcision was very conservative, and that yes the little cyst like area was redundant tissue remaining from the circumcision that was left under the bell (or something or other).  He felt like the foreskin was still too attached as well.  We could leave the redundant tissue, but it would just become annoying as Tate got older.  He told me that we had 2 real options (1) simply remove the redundant tissue (2) revise the circumcision and in doing so the redundant tissue would be removed.  I chose option 2.  


So, on October 14, 2011 Tate will be undergoing general anesthesia for a circumcision revision.  I'm not thrilled obviously.  And I will now always wonder if I made the right choice to have the circumcision done in the first place.  Well actually no, I don't think I'll wonder that.  It was the right choice at the time. And sometimes things happen beyond our control.  I hate that it wasn't done as well as it could have been and that now he'll have to have anesthetic gases to have a revision done.  He's also in the midst of potty training at school (and doing very well I might add, though at home I haven't even started), so I have no idea how this will affect that.  He'll have a few dissolvable stitches and will be swollen for 2-3 weeks.   But in the grand scheme of things all will work itself out.


And I know in my medically trained head that general anesthesia is quite safe.  And he did really well a year ago when he got his tubes put in.  But no surgery should be taken lightly.  There is always a risk.  But we will pray for Dr. B's hands to be steady and sure, the anesthesiologist to monitor Tate and administer the necessary medications with care and assuredness


That's all we can really ask, that those who care for our loved ones to treat them as we would want to be treated.  That's something I really strive to do when I'm working on the kiddos myself.  I keep in mind...how would I want Tate to be treated if he were laying here having his teeth drilled?  


Everyday many, many of us leave our most precious gifts in the hands of others.  And as we walk back out to our cars, we do so assuming they will be treated as if they are precious to those caring for them.  We have to believe it because otherwise it would be impossible to get in those vehicles and drive away.  And every morning I miss Tate as I try to imagine what he will be doing for the next 10, TEN, hours we are apart.  Ten hours.  Ten hours he's with Ms. L and his little friends, being loved, taught and cared for.  


Treated as their own.  My greatest wish and hope.  That my precious boy is always loved.

Just a Funk

Sunday and Monday night Tate woke up screaming, and I mean screaming and hollering around 10pm after being put in his crib around 720pm, and asleep by 745pm.  At first there were just a few whimpers, but that quickly escalated into the full on blood-curdling screams.  I went upstairs to see just what was wrong...had he dropped his hippo?  could he not find one of the 15 pacifiers I had strewn about his crib?  was an appendage stuck in one of the crib slats?  did he hit his head and have a bloody nose?  


None of the above.


I wondered if he was having night terrors :(  I picked him to try to calm him, and he flailed about mercilessly.  I got him his hippo and a pacifier which he gratefully clutched, but managed to wail and cry around the pacifier hanging out of his mouth.  I walked with him, rocked with him, sang into his ear and finally laid down in my bed with him.  After about 8-10 minutes he calmed down and fell asleep and slept through the night.


Monday night was a repeat of Sunday night, though 15 minutes later.  


To make matters worse Monday morning though he woke up smiling and wanting to read his books as is his usual he had a fit when he came downstairs for breakfast.  Now this boy loves Cheerios, loves them. He has 2 bowls almost every morning along with a fruit, usually a banana, and a cup of plain yogurt.  I had his cereal all ready in his bowl, milk poured into it and he started crying and whimpering before he made it down the stairs.  The crying continued for 30 minutes.  I put him in his newly assigned seat at the dining room table as we've made the move from the highchair to a regular chair as of last week.  (I added a 'heightner' to the bottom of the chair).  He was beyond displeased.  Finally after 30 minutes I had to get him dressed for daycare, so I could get on to work.  He was still crying, with the beloved hippo AND pacifier. I held him and sang to him with some relief, but he just starting sobbing after a few minutes.   I ended up putting the cheerios in a plastic baggie for him to hold and eat out of and voila! Happiness.  We finally made it out the door 20 minutes late.  But once we got to school, the tears started again.  And these were the big, so unhappy and so very sad Mommy is leaving me here tears.  It was awful.  Nothing worked to help him, not sitting at the table eating yogurt melts, not going on to his classroom and playing with his friends.  Nothing.  The assistant director ended up holding him, so I could leave.  My heart was aching.  (when I picked him up they told me it took about 10 minutes, but he did calm down).  Needless to say I was late to work.


After Monday night's meltdown, Tuesday morning was a disaster as well.  I don't know what was wrong with my breakfast presentation.  But it was wrong.  I quickly put the Cheerios in a baggie and that seemed to help, but he still had lots of tears when left at daycare.  Again, I just wanted to run back inside, grab my precious boy and go back home and cuddle and snuggle with him all day.


Thankfully, Tuesday, Wednesday and so far tonight were uneventful.  He went down without a fuss, playing in his crib for about 30 minutes before drifting off to sleep.  Wednesday morning was better, but we still want the Cheerios in a baggie.


But Wednesday lunchtime was another story.  I got a call from the school around 11:15am.  My heart plummeted as soon as Lety told me it was Tate's school on line 1.  Those are 3 words you never want to hear as a working parent in the middle of the day...It's (insert your child's name here) school.  It was the director calling to tell me Tate's teacher asked her to call me because Tate was beside himself not wanting to eat his lunch.  He was refusing to sit down at all and was just crying and crying hard.  That day I had not packed his usual 'side dishes'.  He has always had a side of cottage cheese and fruit with his main meal.  I packed him a yogurt in place of the cottage cheese yesterday to switch things up.  Obviously not a good idea for my child.  They seemed to think he was upset about the empty spot on his tray.  Luckily I had left a little baggie of some puffs in his backpack and I told them to put those in the spot.  


He sat down and ate every last morsel once his lunch was presented in a manner which suited him.


He's been in a funk.  That's what his godmother, my dear friend Shelley, would say.  He's in a funk.  She always said that when her kids were acting 'weird' or outside their realm of normal they were going through something that put them in a funk.  She always tells me to give it time and he should figure it out.  


Sure enough it seems as though he has.  He's sleeping now and has been since 740pm.  This morning breakfast was only met with tears for about 2 minutes, and daycare drop-off was a breeze.  I pray this funk is over.  


Oh, and yes he had cottage cheese in his lunch today.

That's not the face of a kid in a funk, now is it?!

Just a little bit of Tate

I have to write about the so very cute things Tate does!! I do try to keep his yearly calendars up to date, but sometimes he does so many adorable things in one day I can't fit them in the little square!  :)


So, tonight after dinner, we're hanging out in the living room, me on the floor, him messing around with all of my CDs and DVDs putting them in and out of the Blu-Ray player, letting the chosen songs play about 12 seconds each time.  Just enough time for him to get a good butt swing going with some arm action and a goofy, excited grin!  Then he pushes open/close and chooses another!!  Oh and he knows exactly which one will play Keith Urban's guitar (aka 'Put You In A Song'!!);  he can pick that one out of a stack of 74 CDs.  As I'm sitting there drawing on his art table he starts singing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' all by himself out of nowhere for no reason.  The entire song.  He just moved his little booty back and forth and wobbled his head while he sang.  I didn't want to get up and go get anything to video him because I simply wanted to enjoy the experience.  And I'm so glad I decided to just be in the moment with my little boy.  That little face, that gorgeous smile, those happy eyes...he was just having a great time, singing a little tune to himself.  


Then tonight as I was reading stories to him at bedtime, he climbed down off my lap, grabbed his book 'Moo Baa La La La', sat down on the floor near me in the glider and read the book to his hippo.  He actually said most of the words correctly.  I was enamored of all he can do and all that he has become.  It's just so cool!  :)


Oh and this morning at swim lessons we were practicing climbing out of the pool via the wall.  We were right next to the depth marker written on the side of the pool.  It said 3 FT 6 IN.  He randomly pointed to the 6 and said six!  He then pointed to the T and said 'T'.  The 'T' doesn't surprise me that much since he sees that all the time with his name.  The 6 I will have to say surprised me.  I then quizzed him on the rest of the letters and he got them all but F.  He confuses that with T.  But he also knew the 3!  And maybe most toddlers know these things; in fact I'm sure they do, but it doesn't make me less proud!!!


This little boy and I have come so far.   Two years ago I couldn't have imagined having another human being at my dinner table to talk with (well ask yes or no questions of), someone to sing with in the car, someone to travel with (though traveling with a toddler is not a vacation), someone to fill every nook and cranny of this house with his laughter, his smiles, his antics and his life and someone to make me part of a family.  Sure there are plenty of times when his whining, oh the whining, make me want to scream (and sadly sometimes I simply do lose it) and there are times when I'm just counting the minutes when he goes down for a nap or to bed.  I just need some downtime and some alone time.  And when I'm just craving that alone time, I am beyond grateful I am an SMC because I don't have a partner I have to have in my space. I need the time to just be.  But then I go upstairs to check on Tate.  I hear his sweet breathing.  I see that sweet tush up in the air.  I see those cheeks just sucking away on that pacifier while he's clutching that hippo in his hands.  I smell the smell of my little boy.  And I just want to crawl into the crib with him or pick him out of the crib and cuddle him all night long.  I want him to wake up just a bit to give me a kiss or snuggle in more.  I want it to be morning, so I can see his first morning smile and hug that warm, sleep filled body.


So, I'm off tonight to go check on him.  Then I'll head off to bed;  I'm still trying to decide if I'll sleep in the room with him tonight or downstairs alone.  I'm thinking with him is going to win.  


The sweet sound of my baby sleeping will give me all the rest I need.

Random Musings on a Wednesday Night

Tate is just so damn cute these days.  I cannot get enough of him.  I dawdle with him in the mornings and try to get extra cuddles in the evenings.  He laughs so hard when I tickle him or make some funny noises or faces.  He loves loves loves playing music on our Blu-Ray player; his favorites are anything Keith Urban but especially 'Put You In a Song', and amazingly he can pick out the specific CD and put it in.  He's also loving 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  Who doesn't love 'Dancing Queen?'  He puts those cute little arms in the air and wiggles that super duper cute little boy tushy and just makes me smile from ocean to ocean.  And he talks up a storm.  He can make some 3-5 sentences, but he's really great about repeating every single thing I say.  Needless to say I'm extremely careful with what I say;  I've actually been really good about that since he was born.  It is absolutely astonishing how many new things he learns and assimilates every single day.  


This has been a much better week workwise.  Part of it is that I'm alone at the office, so it's quieter and not nearly as hectic, so I can actually think while I work.  Whenever my boss isn't there I don't do operative treatment;  I do the exams.  As the patients are loathe to see anyone but her we usually end up running about 1/3 our normal schedule.  It's not as stressful, or maybe just a different kind of stressful as I'm not holding my breath while I give shots to 2 and 3 year olds this week.  However, it's very difficult to see a patient for a recall exam who has been seeing my boss (the other Dr. C in the office) for 10 years, and I find a cavity on said patient for the first time.  Not conversations I enjoy having with their parents, but I put on my big girl panties and do it.  If they don't believe me or opt to have her do another exam, I just grit my teeth and move on.  


We've got a busy weekend coming up. Thankfully I'm off on Friday.  But it's a packed day.  I have an appointment for blood work Friday morning at 815am.  We have Tate's swimming lessons at 930am.  I have an eye check-up appointment at 11am, so he will be off to daycare after swim lessons.  I then have a physical at 145pm which I am sure to fail on many, many levels.  But I'm excited to see where I am healthwise and to start taking control of my body.  I need to lose weight, I need to exercise...this vessel I am walking around in is begging me to take better care of it.  This will be a wake-up call I'm sure.  I'm just praying I don't hit snooze yet again.  After my appointment I'll pick up sweet Baby Tate and hopefully we'll have time to go play in the park.


Saturday morning we're doing the FAAN Walk for Food Allergy Awareness.  I've raised over $500, so I'm pretty proud of my friends and family who are supporting us.  And I just decided to join the race last Tuesday!!!  In the afternoon we're going to a little birthday party for one of Tate's 'friends' at the train at Hermann Park...one of Tate's most favorite things to do!!!!


Sunday will be Tate and Mommy time!!!  Woohoo!!!


So, tonight I'm heading off to bed hopefully a bit early.  I'm still sleeping downstairs during the week so as to not be disturbed by Tate when he wakes around 5am.  If I'm in the room with him he feels the need to share his joy of the upcoming day with me.  If I'm not in there he happily flips the pages of the books I lay about his crib once he's gone to sleep in the evenings.  But I miss sleeping in the same room as him.  And I can't really say why.  It's obvious he doesn't need me in there with him.  But I miss the closeness I guess.  We spend so much of our day separated that I crave the nighttime closeness though we rarely co-sleep these days (he is all over the bed!!!)  But when I co-sleep with him I love love love the sweet little contented little smile he gives me when he realizes we're going to be sleeping together.  He gathers his little hippo lovey to his face, curls on his right side, cuddles into my left arm and just grins this cheesy, thrilled little grin.  


MMMMMM...I love it.  It brings such joy to my heart.  I wish I could bottle up that pure joy and love and savor it forever.

Playing with the Big Kids

Tate and I came over to my parents' yesterday afternoon after his nap to spend a couple of nights.  I'm on call this weekend, and it's difficult to take him in with me, though I have done it a few times out of necessity.  Single moms have to do what they have to do.  Sometimes  that means bringing their kids to work with them!  The parents of the children I have seen have all understood.  


In any event, we're at my parents.  Tate had a hard night and ended up in bed with me around 945.  Yes, ended up in bed with ME who was already in bed!!  Woohoo!!  I had crawled into bed around 935.  Certainly, I may be the reason he woke up, but he sleeps lightly the first night or so in a new place.  Although Grandmommy and Papa's place isn't new he sometimes has difficulty.  Combined with the fact that he is very congested these days with a cough he sleeps even lighter.  So I just put him in bed with me.  Ugh.  He tossed and turned ALL night long.  I was awakened almost every 2 hours with either a hand slapping my face, a foot kicking me in the back or some sweet baby's hair tickling my nose.  550am came awfully early, but we've had a pretty good day.


We ran out for a Target run while the grandparents went to church.  Yes, yes we should have gone with them, but, well no buts.  We simply didn't.  I need to get Tate back into the habit of attending church.  I miss it, and I definitely want him to have the relationship I have with our Lord, so it's back to our church we shall go.  


The weather here was amazing today!!  Finally, a cold front!!  Ok a Texas cold front!!  The temps today didn't get over 95.  It was in the low 80s this morning, so we walked to the neighborhood park here and played for about 45 minutes.  Tate had a blast throwing rocks, riding the slide and most of all having me push him in the swing...his favorite outdoor pasttime.

Please don't look at the mismatched outfit...
these were the only play clothes at my parents'!!!

After Tate's nap today we headed over to my best friend's parents' house for an afternoon gathering.  They were celebrating their family's August birthdays as well as hosting several family members in from out of town.  I have always been treated like one of the family, and now they have wrapped Tate in their cocoon of love as well.  

This is the first time I have left Tate alone with older kids to play on his own.  Susan, my best friend's kids are 8 (boy) and 5 (girl), there was a 4 year boy and a 7 year old girl.  Tate obviously knows Susan's kids but not the other two.  Susan and I spent some time in the awesome playroom that's set up there for the grandchildren.  Tate is always sweetly shy around new people even kids and will not utter a word!   He gingerly looked through all the toys to see what offerings he might enjoy, showing me each one.  After about 15 minutes I left the room, meandering back every few minutes to check on him, sitting down a couple of times to play with him and the others.  He did so well...never a tear.  He then came into his own.  Though he never spoke to anyone, save me, he ran around looking for chips (his favorite party treat) and asking for help from whoever would give him one, well two...one for each hand!  And by asking I mean looking pathetic and trying to reach the bowl.  He found Susan's Aunt Karen was more than happy to oblige and she became his go to woman.  

I gave him his plate of food from home for dinner (his lunch he didn't touch) and he ate most of it left alone with the other kids in the playroom.  I was so proud of him.  Upon leaving everyone commented on how well behaved he is and of course how very cute he is :)

This parenting thing is fun I've decided.  It is rife with ups and downs, but it's so much fun.  I love having him in my life and being able to share him with others.    And I so enjoy watching him come into his own.  He had an absolute blast playing with the big kids!  What a sweetheart!!!

Hold On

Hold On


I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?


You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?


Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on 

*Lyrics by Wilson Phillips (edited a bit for space)


I heard this song as I was walking through the grocery store on Thursday (the day after my last post), and it just buoyed me up as I really listened to the words.  This used to be one of my most favorite songs, and I now remember why, though now for different reasons.


Hold on...if you hold on for one more day, things'll go your way.  These past three days are a testament to that line.  Nothing has really changed, but I feel 100% better.


Like the song says why do I lock myself up in these chains?  Real and imagined chains.  That's exactly how I've been feeling...stuck in this position of mine.  The analogy of the 'golden handcuffs.'  And I'm still feeling stuck, but I know that this is something that I can work on changing over the next few years.  And I am the only one who can make the changes happen.  


So tonight and every other night I'm opening my heart, mind, body and soul to feeling differently.  It is so not fair to my sweet Tate, my family and friends and most of all not fair to myself to not open myself up to the possibilities that just have to be awaiting me.  God is so amazing;  He is not going to let my get mired down by unhappiness and uncertainty.  If I will just try to sit back and let go of my fear and lack of confidence, He will certainly take them on for me.


And you know what, I'm not unhappy.  I'm really not.  I have an amazing little boy.  Amazing little boy. He is the man I waited my whole life to meet.  My family is beyond words with their love, support, kindness and generosity.  And my friends.  My friends.  I have some of the best friends in the world...we may not see each other often or live in the same city, state or even country, but give us 10 minutes together and it's like we were never apart.  Those sister-girls of mine are just precious to me.


And then there are these new beautiful women in my life via cyberspace....I'm eternally grateful for your support and kindness especially those of you who took time out of your very busy lives to offer me a hug albeit a virtual one with your comments (and Tamara!!  one of the hygienists who works with me and knows exactly how I feel...I got a real hug from her Thursday!...thank you my friend).  I feel like I know many of you though we've never met.  Thank you for lifting my spirits and showing me what true kindness is.


And there's Christian.  He read that post.  This man is beyond kind and devoted to Tate and me.  He wrote me the sweetest, most loving message.  I am beyond blessed that God put him in my life right when I was making this most momentous decision to have a child and put it upon his heart to offer to help me out.  Though this relationship we have is beyond outside the realm of anything anyone else could imagine it's working for us.  As well, we realize that this journey we're on is one that really hasn't been paved before, so we take it one step at a time and do what feels right for all 3 of us at the time, all the while knowing Tate and his feelings are the most important here.  We have to make this right for him above all else.  I know we are on the path of doing that for him.  Tate is a very much loved little boy.


So tonight I'm holding on...to hope, to love, to my amazing blessings amidst the sadness I need to allow myself to feel sometimes.  Hope and love.  I'm holding on.