I went to a Women in Dentistry Conference a few weeks ago. It was a one day conference designed to give younger female dentists a look at how to make practice ownership a reality, i.e. working full time and simultaneously raising a family. Our speakers were a female navy fighter pilot, a female former State Congresswoman and the current female ADA Vice President.
Our Texas State Congresswoman was mother to 6 (maybe 7) kids born within 10 years. One of the things she said she learned was to 'Be Where Your Feet Are.'
Oh how that seemed to resonate for many of the women in the audience. And it's stuck with me as well. Oh, she recognized that she did her job with lots and lots of help, her husband was incredibly supportive and she had lots of family help. (She and her husband had several businesses as well as her job with the state government).
It stuck with me because I thought to myself then and still now...how on earth did she do that? How on earth did she not miss a baseball game or a dance recital or a sick kid visit to the doctor? I didn't ask, but there is no way she did all those things all the time. No way. It would be impossible with that many kids even if you were a stay at home parent, so no way you can make it to 6 kids' activities.
I just thought to myself, how on earth can a parent, a mother, be where her feet are? Am I really the only mother who feels so pulled, so torn about having to work full time and missing so much precious time with my child? I feel like every moment of every day, especially during the summer, that I just want to be home hanging out with my son. I'd happily work 9-3 during the school year, so I could be there when he came home. I'd love to be the one to take him to the doctor when he's sick, lay on the bed with him when he's feverish and scared. Who the hell wants to be where your feet are when their kid is sick? I want to be where my heart is.
Or maybe it really is just me. As I send Tate off to a variety of camps during the summer, my stress level goes through the roof worrying about how dangerous it is for him to be in places that aren't nut or egg free. Even worse I'm relying on other people to drop him off and explain to the counselors and coaches about his food allergies. I'm trusting them to make the severity of his allergies clear. Oh I email and call; I go up and train people who want me to on the use of the epi-pen; I make him as safe as I can. But no place is ever going to be 100% safe. So not only do I get to worry every second of every day that he might fall and break a tooth or an arm or not make friends or be bored or be obnoxious and loud, I worry that he might die at any given moment.
So no, I'm never able to be where my feet are.
And yes I know a part of that is that for 8 hours a day I'm not very happy about where my feet are.
I also realize that I'm just not like a lot of working women. I don't want to 'lean in'. I'm not fulfilled by my career. My life's dream and goal was to be a mother. (and a wife) I waited 41 years to reach my biggest goal. I'm not able to be the mother I always envisioned I would be and that brings upon guilt and frustration alot of the time. I have realized I have to let that go knowing that compromising on that is essential because otherwise I wouldn't get to be a mom at all.
And then there's my single mama-ness. If I don't go to the baseball game, there's no other parent to go. If I miss the recital, there's no other parent to go. There's noone to share the sick kid duties with. It's much harder to be where your feet are if yours are the only feet. And I ABHOR using being a single parent as an excuse for anything. If I can't make something work because I'm Tate's only parent I do my best not to bring it up. I do my damnedest to work around it. I'm the first to ask for help, and I'm extremely lucky that our village is so amazing, but it's rare that I'll mention being a single parent, I just ask for help and accept it gratefully. But I do make the comments that as Tate's only parent, it's on me to be there for him. For dinner. For bedtime. For stories. For games. For shows. For anything. It's not his fault I made this choice. Noone else should be expected to pick up my slack or understand my difficulties. So my feet do alot of walking and navigating so I can be where my heart is.
Where my heart is. Tate is my heart. That's where I want to be most of the time.
So I do my job to the best of my ability. I put my head down and I focus and plow through the day. I hold hands and I wipe tears. I offer up a prayer to God to keep my heart safe and sound for me constantly. I rely on the compassion and love of those who help me care for my son.
And my feet will keep running to where my heart is as fast as they can, whenever they can.
