Expectations

'I'm ready!!'


Two words mothers of toddlers around the world love to hear.


However, this morning those words were spoken by Christian after he ran for an hour on the treadmill in the hotel gym, grabbed something to drink from the breakfast bar, came back into our room, cuddled with Tate for a brief minute, checked his email and/or text messages, took a shower and grabbed his stuff for the day's reunion festivities.


Meanwhile, I too had been awakened by Tate at 636am. And my preparation for the day's activities included changing a poopy diaper, keeping Tate from jumping off the bed, keeping him off the swivel chair while washing his myriad of cups and plates, showering myself (thank goodness my mom stopped by and took Tate for 10 minutes), doing my hair and make-up, getting us both dressed, feeding him a breakfast of cheerios and yogurt on a towel on the floor, keeping him from smearing said breakfast into the carpet, packing a multitude of bags for the 2 of us as we would be gone all day including in a pool once we left at 9am. I didn't expect us to return until 8pm.


Needless to say when Christian whirled in with his I'm ready I was a bit put out. How could he not see all I had had to do. And did it dawn on him to offer to help me finish getting ready to leave with this child?


Then he asked had I been able to sleep a little longer while he worked out. Seriously? That put me over the edge. I squawked out a tense no. And I actually wasn't dressed at this point. To say I was frustrated, angry and upset is putting it mildly. He then looked around and wanted to know what needed to be done as Tate whirled around undoing what I was doing. I just said nothing. He got angry and left and I just finished everything up myself in a huff.


Yet, in my huffiness I realized that I have huge expectations of this man. Expectations he cannot possibly attain. He is not part of our everyday life. He is not raising this child with me every day or any day for that matter. Three years ago he gave up his rights with a troubled heart because he wanted to give this precious gift to me. But things have changed. And we are on a journey that neither of us could have predicted. And our expectations of each other and our situation have changed.


We are doing our best though sometimes neither of us can see it in the other. We disappoint each other many times over, though I fathom a guess we disappoint ourselves more often. I have to remember that his day to day life in Germany doesn't include a small child and all the responsibilities that a child brings. He doesn't have to stay 4 to 5 steps ahead all the time. He's a single man. And I'm a single woman raising a small child. Our day to day lives are completely different. And we go months without seeing each other, so finding our way is tricky when we first see one another. And we both so want everything to be perfect not just for ourselves but for the most important person here...Tate.


What I do know is how much we both love this child, this gift he gave me. He absolutely, one hundred percent supports and respects me as Tate's sole parent. The one thing we always agree on is that Tate is the most important person here. His happiness and security come first always. I know as long as we always come back to that common ground that everything is going to be fine.


So, yes our day was a bit of a struggle as it started, but we came together and talked with honesty, tears and love. And it's all right. It is all right now and it will always be all right. This is an amazing journey, one neither of us anticipated 3 years ago. And it's one that though it has made my heart hurt more it's made it love so very much more.


Tonight the 3 of us are exhausted, happy and full of hope and love. We spent a wonderful day with my family. We spent time at the graves of my beloved grandparents, visited their home hear in Hampton where they raised their nine children in a 3 bedroom house with my parents, sister, aunts, uncles and cousins. Tate, Christian and I spent some time in Williamsburg, then continued on to the reunion picnic. It was a fabulous time of food, fellowship, volleyball, games, pool time and love. Who could expect anything more?