Recently on my SMC forum there has been a fascinating discussion going around finding out who one's non-id release donor is and gleaning this information not from the sperm bank or the DSR but rather from some sleuthing on one's own.
It's been an eye-opening, heartfelt, lively and interesting discussion to say the least. It's one I do not feel I should/could weigh in on as I have obviously used a known donor. But I'm reading the many, many posts, comments and disagreements with great interest.
As someone who utilized a known donor I actually have strong feelings that the parent who chose the non-ID release donor should not in any way, shape or form personally reach to contact the donor through not mediated means (ie their sperm bank or the DSR). Some of the discussion has suggested that in this age of easily accessible information via the internet anonymity as previously known can and should be foregone. I disagree...these men and even the women who donated eggs anonymously deserve some respect for their choices even though these choices were made years and years ago. Of course they may have changed their mindset at this point, but shouldn't they be allowed the courtesy of some sort of mediated dialogue. If every single person who used their donation contacted them whenever they felt it was right these people could inundated with strangers turning their lives upside down. And where does it leave the men and women who still opt to donate anonymously? Will there be a backlash with fewer donations? This would not only affect SMCs but anyone who struggles with fertility and utilizes such gamete donations.
Much has been discussed though about how mindsets change, that we as parents change as our children get older and our parenting changes. Your ideas, ideals, wants, needs and desires change as do your children's. So, don't these children deserve to be able to ascertain information about their donors, half of their genetic make-up. After all, the children didn't choose to have the unknown donors, their parents or mothers did. Are we traipsing on the rights of our children? Does the donor 'owe' these children anything? Even these anonymous donors...what do they owe their offsprng? Are they truly their offspring?
Yet, in the midst of all this, I compleltely understand how things change and how quickly. I am a prime example of this as an SMC. In March of 2008 when I decided to go ahead with using Christian as my known donor, I never dreamed he would see Tate more than a few times in his life. Even after we spent that week in August 2008 here getting to know each other, going to the myriad of doctors' appointments together, discussing our plans with my family I never anticipated that my feelings and his as well that Tate would be MY son and he would be on the fringes of our lives would change. Even after he was here for Tate's birth I don't think either of us realized that things could change so drastically. But now I know. And I completely sympathize and understand what some of these women are going through trying to decide about finding their unknown donors as as one grows in their parenting years, your feelings can change. What was so important when your child was conceived can completely disappear, and what you thought you would never do for your child you are now a card-carrying member of.
So, what do you do? It's a difficult decision. One I'm very glad I'm not going to have to make, though I have some difficult and emotional decisions to make very soon regarding Tate and his relationship with Christian. Yet, I have to realize that his relationship with Christian today is so not what it is going to be in 18 days, 18 months or 18 years. But I firmly believe that Christian and I have to set some groundwork here, a foundation for what's to come because without that we will fall apart. And I know in my heart neither one of us will allow that to happen, so we will come together to work this through.
So for those women struggling with the quagmire of whether to contact the donor or not, or the women who can't conceive of how one would want to 'intrude' on the lives of these donors all these years later know that as parents the one thing we have to be is flexible. We have to be willing to bend for our children and for ourselves. If nothing else our children are constantly changing and growing, and because of that their needs will change. So before we judge one another about choices we made yesterday, make today or tomorrow I hope we can remember that. I hope that these men who donated anonymously can remember that as well, though we cannot expect them to. And that extends to those who donated under the auspices of an ID release. They should be allowed to change their minds as well.
The most important thing to remember here is that we have been given a great gift from these men. Protecting that gift should be of utmost importance to us.
3 comments:
I've been following this discussion very keenly, too, and it's been SO thought-provoking! I've learned so much from all of the varied perspectives. I went with an anonymous donor, and in all honesty, I am more glad than ever that I chose that option...for a whole host of reasons. Great post...thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic! :)
I've been following this discussion too, and as an SMC with one child with an anonymous donor and one child with an ID-release donor, I'm still not sure where I stand on all this. I do know that if some day my child wants to learn about his donor and he wants my help to learn all he can, my mama bear instincts will kick in and I will help. I do know that these men have given us great gifts and their desire to remain anonymous shouldn't be taken lightly, but the world of adoption was secret and dark for decades and adopted children often grew up wanting to know more about where they came from. If my child wants to know more, I will help him. Using an anonymous donor was not HIS decision, and ultimately I want him to feel comfortable and secure about who he is. I like what you said about flexibility. It IS a very complex issue and just like the conception process itself, decisions are very personal and individual and we can't judge another's situation until we're in it.
I have not been following the discussion closely. I open the digests and see the many, many posts but I barely skim them. I used an anonymous donor and in hindsight wish I had used an identity release one. BUT what's done is done. No amount of regret or sleepness nights can change things one bit. I signed an agreement stating that I knew the donor would remain anonymous. I gave my word and that decision will affect my sons for their entire lives. They are beautiful, healthy, intelligent children. Gifts that were given to me because of that same decision.
At 4.5 and 2.5 years they do not ask about their paternal origins. (Except for once at Target :) One day, someday, they will. I will do my best to explain, to soothe, to understand and to allow them to express their thoughts and feelings. But I will not encourage them to search for the identity of the donor. I cannot stop them. (Heck, I can't even stop them from sneaking cookies from the pantry.) All I can do is take it a day at a time and be there for my boys and their questions.
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