Many Tears and A Broken Heart

Santa visited Tate and me yesterday.  Yes, he made two trips to the Lone Star State.  I had been telling Tate for the past month or so that Santa Claus was going to take all his sue-ys and give them to all the babies.  Every day I talked about it.  He would repeat it.  Yet, I knew my sweet boy had no idea really what that would mean for him.  No idea.  Not a clue.  I on the other hand was beside myself with worry, nerves, guilt, sadness and heartbreak.

Worry that it would take him days, weeks to get over this.  Worry that he would never forgive me.  Worry that I was making the wrong decision and that I should wait a bit longer.  Worry that he would be so very hurt, so very sad and so very distraught.

Nervous because I knew it would entail some sleepless nights on both our parts.  Nervous because I know how very attached he is to these pacifiers...whenever he's been upset lately he has wanted them, and I've given in because I knew we were counting down the days to being done with them.

Guilt because I'm the one who 'got' him to take the pacifier in the first place.  I utilized Dr. Karp's method of 'teaching' him how to suck on the pacifiers, and it worked like a charm...obviously too well.  Guilt because I should have taken it away when he was only 12-13 months old, and I didn't because he was so cute with it, and it kept him my baby.  Guilt because he now has a crossbite that will need correction.

Sadness because I don't want my baby hurt at any point in time.  Sadness because I hate to see him cry and be so very upset about something I can truly change (just give him the pacifier and move on to another time).  Sadness because this is one of the last true remnants of his babyhood.

Heartbreak because seeing him so very upset just truly breaks my heart and almost brings me to tears and I just knew how very sad he was most likely going to be.

So, yesterday morning I had a little basket set up with a note from Tate to Santa.  I then placed all the pacifiers I could find (about 20!) into a container.  I had Tate put each one in the basket for Santa as well as the one in his mouth.  That was a bit of a challenge, but he did it.  But here's the caveat....he then didn't want his hippo lovey.  He just threw it down on the floor and went on down the stairs to get in the car to go to daycare.  That really broke my heart;  I was not prepared for him to give up his lovey.  This was really hard on me.  I do not want the lovey to go.  I love watching him drift off to sleep twisting and turning the hippo around and around.  It's how I know he's really ready to go to sleep. I love that he loves this hippo, and I cannot say why.  I do believe that once we get through this period of adjustment that he will most likely want his hippo as he finds it incredibly comforting, and probably moreso than the pacifier.

I put Tate in the car and ran back into the house to quickly remove the pacifiers from the basket and put in the 'presents' from Santa for Tate in appreciation of him giving his sue-ys to all the babies,  especially Baby Jesus.  The basket would be waiting for us upon our return at the end of the day.

Daycare pick-up was a chore.  He hates, and I mean hates having his coat put on.  I know it's big and bulky, but it's ridiculous the performance he puts on to prevent wearing his coat.  And I take the thing off before I put him in his carseat usually, so he's not all jammed in there with his coat on, so what is the damn deal with wearing a coat?  So with all the crying, moaning, laying on the floor I knew he was going to be beside himself and want a pacifier upon getting home and bingo!  Many, many tears and whining on the drive home...he didn't even wait!  But once home, he saw his presents and he was ecstatic!  Sue-y was forgotten and those trains were all the rage.  He went bonkers for them...such happiness.  I kept trying to let him know Santa Claus had left the trains and books in exchange for all the sue-ys for all the babies.

Dinner went well and I decided to venture upstairs to start our bedtime routine with much trepidation.  I let him carry his two new trains with him...an Edward and a talking Henry (Thomas trains).  Not a tear. Not a peep.  I got him bathed, lotioned up and pjs on.  I rocked him and read a few stories, all the while he clutched his hippo and the trains.  I put him in his crib with his trains and hippo and walked out to the tune of no tears.  He asked for his sue-y one time and moved on.  He wasn't particularly keen on having the hippo, so I just set it in the crib with him figuring in the middle of the night he might want it in his sleep.

He slept very well.  I was surprised.  Though it did take him until 8:30 to fall asleep;  he tossed and turned.   Sadly though at 2:40am he rolled over onto his Build-A-Bear Koala and triggered its music button which blared out "Who let the dogs out?  WOO-WOO etc"  Great.  Just great.  The first time he did it and it played out its tune I held my breath with the intention of going to the crib and removing the Koala.  Before I could get over there he rolled over it a second time.  This time he woke up.  

I ended up holding him and rocking him until about 4:15.  I had decided that no matter what time or how many times he wakes up during this transition that I am going to be there for him and if that means I have to rock him, walk with him or sleep with him; I will do it.  This is going to be hard enough on him;  I don't want him to feel completely abandoned, and since he is losing his greatest source of comfort, I want him to hopefully realize that I am always going to be his comfort.

We woke up at 5:45am and he immediately wanted out of the crib to play with his trains...not a mention of the pacifiers.

Drop-off was uneventful, though his teacher is off the rest of the week.  I'm sure this is adding to his stress as he's a kid who absolutely thrives on routine.  At pick-up we had another meltdown about the coat wearing;  this one lasting much longer and had him just a-crying for his sue-y once in the car.  He was so very sad; I could barely look at his face he had such a look of abject sadness, fear and abandonment.  It was awful.  Dinner was ok...pickiness has returned and he ate only yogurt and drank milk.

And then bedtime tonight.  Absolutely heartbreaking.  He was happily playing with his trains.  He took Henry upstairs with him, and once we were in our room he wanted his sue-y to go with his hippo.  And the tears and sadness started.  Then he didn't want to use the potty (so I didn't push the issue) and he fought getting a bath like nobody's business and normally he loves bathtime.  And once I started putting his lotion on and gave him his hippo the tears really started.  Some full out heaving sobs, some quiet moaning.  Once in his pjs I opted to forgo the sleep sack since he's not a fan to hopefully not make him even more sad.

I got in the rocking chair with him, dimmed the lights, turned on his lullaby music and started rocking him while I 'read' a few stories I know he loves that I know by heart like "Goodnight Moon" and "Central Park Serenade." All the while he cried and begged for his sue-y.  He refused to put his head on my shoulder or on my chest which he loves to do.  He would hold onto to the hippo for 5 minutes rubbing it like he loves to do, then throw it as hard as he could onto the floor.  He would sit up and look into my eyes just sobbing.  I sang to him, read more stories, rubbed his back and just tried to comfort him.  After an hour I asked him if he wanted me to put him in his crib and he nodded yes.  At this point he was just hiccuping and the tears were gone.  It's like the light has gone out for him :(  I placed him in his crib and told him how much I loved him.  And walked out the door.

20 minutes later I saw him stand up in the crib (on the video monitor) and heave his big ole' pillow over the rail and onto the floor.  He then laid back down, and he fell asleep   around 8:30.  I went back upstairs around 9 to retrieve the pillow and search for his hippo which I knew he had probably thrown out as well.  Sure enough it was there on the floor.

He's sleeping now, 90 minutes later, and I know this will get better.  But I just feel like a horrible parent.  I am responsible for this.  I bought the pacifiers.  I gave them to him and didn't do my job as a parent to remove at an age where he would have been much more amenable to giving it up.  Now he's being hurt because he's giving up his main source of comfort.  I would be bereft as well.

Yet, I know this needs to be done.  I know that it will only get harder.  His emotional attachment is intense with this pacifier and I know it's better for his psyche to do it now.  I just love him so much.

Love.  That's all I can offer him these next few weeks, well for the rest of his life.  Love will become his comfort.  When he can't figure something out and gets frustrated I'll have to love him enough to help him and/or show him how to do it.  When he wants something I don't want him to have I'll have to love him enough to try to help understand why not.  

When he wakes up crying for his sue-y I'll be there with my loving arms to hold him through his fear and sadness.  Hugs and kisses will abound.  One day and one night at a time.  And one day all he'll remember is the love.

Clutching his train last night!!

There's the precious hippo!

Adding some sue-ys to the basket!

 

More, more, more!

Opening one of Santa's thank you gifts!

 

Surrounded by his new trains!!!