This post will probably be all over the place. Please bear with me. :)
There's a show on 20/20 tonight about couples who use sperm donors found online on websites who are donating for free. The couple highlighted in the 'ad' for 20/20 is married, and the husband's vasectomy is irreversible. The couple have adopted two foster children (out of about 60 whom they fostered) and the woman wants to experience pregnancy. She's young (33), and they have endured fertility methods and high financial costs. So this is their next step. They've found a donor, flew across the country to meet him and procured his sample and inseminated. (whether they have been successful is not discussed or alluded to in the advertisement)
And obviously this manner of sperm donation is open to anyone, single mothers, lesbian couples, married/ partnered couples.
And then on my single mothers group there has been some discussion. Of course.
And it broke my heart to read the comments. From ewwww to I could never do that.
EWWWW??
Because the news story ad includes a tagline that in Starbucks across the country men and women are going to bathroom for the exchange, people are skeeved out. Really? Seriously? I fathom a guess that much much more goes on in all the bathrooms around the world from Starbucks to McDonalds that would skeeve me out much much more.
From 'concerns' about what testing is or isn't being done to the possible legal ramifications, many of the women are jumping in to discredit or at least judge this method.
Would I do it? I don't know. But wait, didn't I just about do this? I had met Christian once. One time. One day. In Australia. We had spent maybe a grand total of 10 hours together, and only about 2 together alone. As alone as you can be when there are 4 people at your dinner table.
Christian and I had spent less than one day together. Granted we emailed and 'got to know each other' over the internet, but really and truly we were strangers. When he flew over here for that week in August I was a basket case, as I had decided to use him as my 'donor' if we still 'clicked' while he was here and he cleared some basic testing by my RE. And honestly, we tested for the normal STDs (remembering he had been tested that March in Germany; those results weren't allowable in the states) and tested him for CMV (seriously who cares?) and did as thorough a medical history as could be done. No psych testing for either of us. His sperm was tested for mobility and motility and he was pretty good to go. He was HIV- at that visit, almost 6 months from his March test. His swimmers were quarantined, I began my 6 month wait for IUI and/or IVF.
And while he was here that August I decided we would try our method. Though I had no clue if I was ovulating or really what I was doing, we went for it. It was funny, silly and yeah we knew it wouldn't work.
He returned in October of that year, and in July of the following year Tate Christopher arrived.
Was I crazy? Was I irresponsible?
Most importantly...was it ewwwy?
Hell no.
Tate was conceived in a blanket of love, hope and beauty. And he was wanted.
Just the same as these kids are.
We don't know what people are going through when it comes to infertility and the desire, the need to have children. Let's give them a break.
And will some of it be fraught with difficulties, legal or otherwise. Of course. But no more so than can happen with a married couple who divorces acrimoniously or someone who uses an anonymous donor who decides he just HAS to know if he has a child(ren) out there or the anonymous donor with ID release who decides he wants to have a role in the lives of the kid(s) he's created.
And that's because we're human beings.
Human beings change and grow.
What we wanted for our children pre-birth is almost assuredly completely different from what we want from them 2 months, 2 years, 12 years or 20 years in. I know for a fact that what I want for Tate where Christian is concerned has definitely changed. And I'm working on knowing that's ok. Because now that Tate is here, I want something different for him...now. Ask me in 3 years; I may have changed my mind.
So I'm going to go watch 20/20 tonight. I'm going to post this before the episode. I'm sure I'll come back tomorrow or this weekend with some other thoughts. Brace yourselves.
I love my little guy! I wouldn't change a thing about how he came to be!
January 13...I love watching his face light up during swim lessons when he looks up and sees me in the observation deck.
January 12...I love when we 'race' to the car together at daycare pick-up
January 11...I love when I show him the letter 'J' and ask what it stands for and he says Mom-my, Jennifer! Just melts my heart!
2 comments:
I didn't watch it. I didn't want to. Every time something like that comes on the air, people feel like since it was in their living room for 43 minutes, they know all about it and can judge every single person who has even thought of going the donor route. Just because someone watches 20/20 or a reality show does not mean they know a darn thing about the way my children came to be.
When I was pregnant with my second, several coworkers commented, "Oh, you're just like the Octomom in California." You see, a little knowledge (I mean, very little) is a dangerous thing. Seriously, just like the Octomom? Because I have 2, a job and own my own home and she has 14 and is unemployed? Uh, huh that's exactly the same situation.
Okay, I have no idea where I'm going with this comment--just that I didn't watch. I do look forward to reading your future posts/review of the show.
I feel people shouldn't judge. What you did was not Eww. It was what you needed to do and wanted to do. What about the women who have constant one night stands with no protection. Grown people should have the right to do what they want to do. Also alot of people have opinions about being a single mother by choice. I would ignore the Eww woman like I would ignore the SMBC haters.
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