Happy New Year!

2012


Wow.  Tate will turn 3 this year.  3.  Unbelievable.  I will turn 45.  Unfathomable.


Resolutions.  


After my health 'scares' and findings of high cholesterol I need to make some drastic changes.  Those same changes I mentioned in another blog a few months ago. (sadly I can't even remember when...what does that say?)  


Seriously though, I need to take back control of my health, my body and my life.  My evenings slip by and I have nothing to show for them except an occasional blog post, dishes cleaned and meals packed for the next day.  I feel like I've just been treading water.  Oh I enjoy Tate immensely and our life together (well these past 2 weeks have been almost more than I can bear...and not just because of the pacifier issue...it's the terrible twos!  The WHINING!  OMG The WHINING!  And the throwing of things!  And the flailing about on the floor when he's not happy.  The frustration when he can't figure something out!  AARRGGHHH!!!  I digress)


But I want to enjoy our whole lives.  I want to light up when I see him every single time.  I want him to have a mother who loves herself.  And right now I don't.  I cringe when I see myself in pictures.  I shrink back when I don't walk fast enough past a mirror.  I am uncomfortable in my body and who I've become. And I live in fear that I'm killing myself here.


I need to start saving money.  Much more than I do right now.  I do save, but for what I make, not nearly what I could be.  No more not paying attention to what something costs.  I need to go back to strictly following a budget.  Why did I stop that?  I have no clue.  If I truly don't want to work the rest of my life I need to get on this.  Seems pretty obvious to me.


So this is going to be the year about me.  Yes, me.  I'm a mom who is going to make the year about herself.  Because if I don't, there will be no mom for Tate.  


So this week I vow to work out at least 3 times.  And by work out I mean at least 20 minutes of some sort of activity.  It can be walking during lunch.  It can be my Jillian Micheals workout.  It can be Pilates or Yoga.  Anything.  But it will be 3 times.  


I'll let you know what I did next Sunday.


And on the pacifier front.  Tate started sucking his fingers today...all four.  Ugh.  He has been sucking his tongue every night to help himself fall asleep.  Tonight he sounded like he was keening as he just moaned and intermittently sucked his tongue.  You know what that means...yep I gave him the pacifier for nap and nighttime sleep.  Because I can't cut off his fingers and the tongue sucking is not good.  That can cause oral issues as well.   He's obviously just not ready; or more orally sensitive than I realized.  However, I had made the mistake in the past month to allow him to have the pacifier whenever he got upset during the day because I knew I was going to take them away.  Well that was just a bad decision because he was now not able to calm himself down.  In addition to the fact that he hit his terrible twos at the same time ... OMG!!!  The poor child is a basket case.  He is not coping well at all.  Again, my bad choice has affected him in an amazingly adverse way.  Sigh.   Until 6 weeks ago he only got that pacifier to go to sleep with.  He never got it when he was upset after the age of 6 months or so save shot appointments at the pediatrician's.  


So he has a reprieve.  He gets back into his daycare/Mommy working routine on Tuesday. (I have to work tomorrow, though a national holiday, as the kids are out of school and we were off Friday.  As such his daycare is closed).  The past two weeks have been so different.  Last week he only went 3 days, his teacher was on vacation, then Christmas was thrown in, the week before half the kids were gone and again classes were combined.  Excuses? Sure.  I acknowledge that.  And it will be ok.  We'll revisit this in a couple of weeks.  With new methods...maybe not cold turkey.  Trying to find something else to soothe him so he doesn't go another oral route.  A different lovey?  Because he cannot separate the hippo from the sue-y.  That never occurred to me either.  So, pacifier for sleeptime.  Hugs, cuddles, and kisses when he's upset or even letting him cry and be angry when he doesn't get his way.  And, oh yes, time outs when necessary.  Did I mention the throwing?

A piece of plastic is does not define who he is.  It does not define who I am as a mother.    What defines us is the love we have for each other and knowing what works for us, our family.


2012.


Another year in the very very many I get to spend with this precious little boy.  I cannot believe I get to mother Tate.  Watching him today at the park brought me such unadulterated joy that I almost had to remind myself to breathe.  Those little legs pumping, that toddling back and forth, those sweet arms flailing about, the tongue hanging out and THE JOY.  Tate's joy.  My son's joy.  My joy.  

Joy.


That's my resolution for 2012.  To have much much more joy in my life!  And to appreciate all the joy I've been given now and forever.