Hold On

Hold On


I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?


You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?


Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on 

*Lyrics by Wilson Phillips (edited a bit for space)


I heard this song as I was walking through the grocery store on Thursday (the day after my last post), and it just buoyed me up as I really listened to the words.  This used to be one of my most favorite songs, and I now remember why, though now for different reasons.


Hold on...if you hold on for one more day, things'll go your way.  These past three days are a testament to that line.  Nothing has really changed, but I feel 100% better.


Like the song says why do I lock myself up in these chains?  Real and imagined chains.  That's exactly how I've been feeling...stuck in this position of mine.  The analogy of the 'golden handcuffs.'  And I'm still feeling stuck, but I know that this is something that I can work on changing over the next few years.  And I am the only one who can make the changes happen.  


So tonight and every other night I'm opening my heart, mind, body and soul to feeling differently.  It is so not fair to my sweet Tate, my family and friends and most of all not fair to myself to not open myself up to the possibilities that just have to be awaiting me.  God is so amazing;  He is not going to let my get mired down by unhappiness and uncertainty.  If I will just try to sit back and let go of my fear and lack of confidence, He will certainly take them on for me.


And you know what, I'm not unhappy.  I'm really not.  I have an amazing little boy.  Amazing little boy. He is the man I waited my whole life to meet.  My family is beyond words with their love, support, kindness and generosity.  And my friends.  My friends.  I have some of the best friends in the world...we may not see each other often or live in the same city, state or even country, but give us 10 minutes together and it's like we were never apart.  Those sister-girls of mine are just precious to me.


And then there are these new beautiful women in my life via cyberspace....I'm eternally grateful for your support and kindness especially those of you who took time out of your very busy lives to offer me a hug albeit a virtual one with your comments (and Tamara!!  one of the hygienists who works with me and knows exactly how I feel...I got a real hug from her Thursday!...thank you my friend).  I feel like I know many of you though we've never met.  Thank you for lifting my spirits and showing me what true kindness is.


And there's Christian.  He read that post.  This man is beyond kind and devoted to Tate and me.  He wrote me the sweetest, most loving message.  I am beyond blessed that God put him in my life right when I was making this most momentous decision to have a child and put it upon his heart to offer to help me out.  Though this relationship we have is beyond outside the realm of anything anyone else could imagine it's working for us.  As well, we realize that this journey we're on is one that really hasn't been paved before, so we take it one step at a time and do what feels right for all 3 of us at the time, all the while knowing Tate and his feelings are the most important here.  We have to make this right for him above all else.  I know we are on the path of doing that for him.  Tate is a very much loved little boy.


So tonight I'm holding on...to hope, to love, to my amazing blessings amidst the sadness I need to allow myself to feel sometimes.  Hope and love.  I'm holding on.