So tired....

Tonight I rocked Tate to sleep for the first time in a very long time.  How I missed that sweet warm body nestled against mine, those soft long lashes against his face, his little breaths misting across my cheeks...that pure baby bliss.


Tate didn't ask to be rocked tonight, nor was he crying when I went in to check on him.  He didn't need me to rock him, but I needed to rock him.  It's been a long, long week.  And it's only Wednesday, and I'm on call this weekend.


Obviously, this has been a bad week at work.  It seems every patient I've worked on isn't happy with my work;  the complaints have been fast and furious it seems.  I'm having difficulty getting patients anesthetized, at least once a day.  And I just don't get it.  I haven't changed who I am or what I do after 12 years of private practice.  And I'm starting to really doubt my capabilities.  I'm so blessed to have a job in this economy, and a job that compensates me so well.   But I'm tired of my heart dropping every time a child cries because it hurts when he/she gets a shot in his/her mouth.  I'm tired of parents casting doubt upon my abilities because I'm not my boss.  I'm tired of feeling incompetent.  I'm tired of feeling less than.   I may not be the smartest person on the block, but noone will be kinder to your child than me.  Noone will try to make them comfortable more than me.  No other dentist almost cries when your child does in fear and pain.  


I'm tired of racing to get out my door every morning at 720am with my son who invariably has to poop 'just one last time' at 718am.  I'm tired of waking up at 545am to only having 80 minutes at most with my son in the mornings, rendering my hair and make-up routine to about 8 minutes and my clothing choices to 'did I wear this on Monday?'  I'm tired of having a 5 minute drop-off at daycare;  I just cannot figure out how to get up earlier to arrive there earlier.  545 is pretty damn early.  I cannot fathom waking Tate before 6.  


I'm tired of not being able go to the PTO meetings because I can't make it there in time (and also due to the fact that my child is starving by 545 and in bed by 715pm).  I'm tired of Tate being one of the last kids at daycare in the evenings.  I'm tired of only having 75 minutes with my child in the evenings and the majority of those precious minutes are spent eating and doing his bedtime routine.


And to make this week even worse, I didn't get home tonight until after 605pm.  My last patient at 4pm who was only 6 years old needed 5 fillings, and I could not get her numb.  At 444pm not one of her teeth was ready to be filled.  I had to hop out of my chair with my patient still laying there, run back to my office, text Lindsey to beg her to please pick Tate up from school and feed him when she had already told me earlier she was going to go home and take a much needed nap before heading out for her run at 630pm.  I don't know what I would do without her.  Tate and I would be lost.  I had my boss come in to see what she thought as I'm always so unsure as to what she would want me to do. I know what I would have done, but I feel I always need to run things by her as we operate quite a bit differently, hence my constant need for her approval (and we've been friends for 19 years!!!!!)  She stepped in to help leaving me feeling like I was a student watching the master.  Finally, at 535 I had to go.  And I always wonder in these situations...'Jennifer what would you do if you were in your own practice?  You would be the be all end all.'  I realize that those thoughts just serve to make me feel so much worse, and I shouldn't wonder about the 'what ifs' because this is what it is.  And this is why I don't own my own practice.  I don't want to be 'the buck stops here' person.  I like having someone else to take the work journey with me who is also the 'be all end all' person.  I was never meant to be a practice owner.  I'm much better as the worker bee...you tell me what to do and how to do it and I'll do the best I can.  I'll defer to you and your ideas, methods and ways.  


But this job choice of mine is not the easiest for a single mother be it by choice or circumstance.  I can't just get up and leave if I haven't finished all my work.  I can't take my work home and do it after Tate is asleep.  I'm stuck, my mind whirling as I try to figure out how the hell am I going to get Tate picked up as well as thinking...this poor kid here at the end of the day is not happy, how can I help her through this?  As pediatric dentists we are swamped after school;  the time I most want to spend with Tate is the time parents most want to spend with me!  


So this has been a long week.  They have so over-scheduled me in the late afternoons my head hurts.  I have so many people scheduled at the same time my head spins.  I don't feel like I'm doing anything right.





But tonight I just need to feel a little sorry for myself.  I need a little cry.  I just don't feel up to pretending I can do all this well and do all of this well alone.  My car still has to be fixed from the accident, so I have to schlep Tate to daycare on Friday then go across town and sit at the car place for who knows how long while it's looked at.  My downstairs a/c unit is on the fritz, and it's been over 105 degrees here for the past 3 weeks.  How am I ever going to find time to be home to have someone look at it?   I have gained more weight than I thought humanly possible.  My back is killing me from the non-ergonomically correct position I'm forced to sit in all day. My garage door is off-kilter.  I need a new washer and dryer as these are on their last legs.  My electric bill is going to be so high I can't even fathom opening the bill next month. My baby Tate has to see a surgeon in a few weeks (nothing major but still)  I'm on call this long weekend, and I'm so not in the mood to be (not that I ever am)  My light fixture in the bedroom has yet to be fixed because I can't seem to get to Home Depot to get another fan for Mike and Bryan to install for me.  My friends are all married, so busy on the weekends, so I feel so disconnected from them lately.   Half of my blinds are falling apart...these ridiculously expensive Hunter Douglas blinds...I have no idea who to call for this.  I worry constantly about my retirement account, Tate's college savings, my emergency savings.  I wonder since I'm taking such crappy care of myself that this baby I wanted to much is going to be left alone in this world, so what the heck is keeping me from taking better care of myself for him?  I do have a physical set of September 9th, so here's hoping I'll get some much needed advice and answers about my sluggishness...is it depression?  or just that I need a 24 hour break?   My sweet Mommy worries me because she's so worried about her memory issues.  My beautiful boy is growing up so fast I can't keep up, and I miss him already.   


And I'm doing this all on my own.  


For all of those reasons I needed to rock Tate to sleep tonight.  To be reminded that all will be right in this world.  As I held him I could feel my heart beat slow down.  I felt at peace.  I may even go grab him and put him in bed with me tonight.  There's no place I'd rather than be than cuddled up with Tate.  mmmmm....I feel better already.