Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So, today at lunchtime, my boss (who is a dear friend, was my friend for 20 years before I started working for her, and our friendship is still doing quite well) asks me if I'd be interested in going to an Orthodontic course in Atlanta, Georgia for 9 days and that she would pay for it if I wanted to go.  


If I want to go.


Do I want to go?


It's 3 3-day weekends.  Friday, Saturday and Sunday course time;  8:30am-5:30pm Friday and Saturday, 8:30am-2pm on the Sundays.  In August, October and November.


So, I would have to leave Houston on Thursday, more than likely half to miss half a day of work (would she still pay me?) because the 7pm flight (which I would most likely miss if I left work at 5 due to traffic, shuttle from the parking lot, security yada yada yada) doesn't arrive until 10pm.  10pm at the busiest airport in America these days.  So, I wouldn't get anywhere near my hotel before 11pm.  Not my idea of a good time for my sleep deprived self.


I wouldn't be able to catch a flight home until 4pm at the earliest, arriving at the airport by 6:30 and not home much before 7:30pm.  If I caught the 4pm flight at the busiest airport in America.


And returning to work on Monday morning at 8am.


I don't want to go.


I don't want to leave Tate for such a long period of time.


Ok, let me amend that.  I don't want to leave Tate for such a long period of time for something I really don't want to do.  


There I said it.  And yes, the course would be informative.  I would learn alot.  It's an intimate class of only 10 participants, so very hands on etc.  But I'm not at a point where I want to do the interceptive orthodontic treatment we'll be learning because I don't simply feel like I have the time or inclination to study.  And my memory these days is not something I'm proud of.


I don't want to leave Tate.  I would not see him until Monday morning most likely after saying good-bye on Thursday morning.  Followed by a week of working (and the week after the course in August is a 5 day work week, so we'd only have our short mornings and evenings together with a short 2 day weekend.  And yes I'm patently aware that I should be grateful, that I usually work 4 day weeks, and I am, I really and truly am very grateful. 


We have spent 2 nights apart.


Two.


And for not even a total of 24 hours either time.


Getting home on a Sunday night at 7:30pm having to make lunches and prepare snacks for Tate and get ready for the week without having gone to the grocery store or having a moment to breathe to myself does not make for a productive week.  Laundry, cleaning up, getting myself ready for the week, and the things most people could do in the evenings after work when arriving home late on a Sunday, that I as a single mother cannot do since my child cannot be left at home alone.  There's no running to go grocery shopping at 8pm when your kid is in bed at 7:30.  No quick trips to Target after picking him up at 5:30 to get some things because it will take another 20 minutes to get there in rush hour traffic and he'll be a grumpy, hungry mess.  


And who would watch Tate?  Obviously, my parents with my sister, Lindsey's help if she were to be so inclined.  But the last 3 day weekend is the weekend of her 30th birthday.  So, she'll be no help then (and rightfully so!)  And a 3 year old is ALOT of work.  ALOT of work for my parents who are getting older and though healthy, some memory problems are occurring and a 3 year old is ALOT of work. :)  Especially seeing as how this would be over a weekend, so no daycare.


Yet, my girlfriends and I have been talking for the past 18 months about taking a 3 day cruise out of Galveston.  Leaving on a Thursday at 4pm, arriving back in Houston (Galveston) on Monday at 8am.  So basically the same amount of time.  


The big difference is...I WANT to do that.


And it's a one time 3 day thing.


And it's not happening anytime soon.


But I intend to go when we get our act together.  Though I'm leery about being gone so long; I intend to do it.  And once we plan it, we'll have 4-6 months before we go and I can use that time to get Tate used to be away from me (ok, me used to being away from him) by letting him stay with my parents for more than 20 hours.  Right now, this summer I don't have time to do that.  Our weekends are planned:  my mom is having minor surgery at the beginning of July (elective minor surgery, but prayers are always welcomed), we have Tate's birthday celebration, we have Silke and Annabelle coming for a weekend, we have tickets to the circus and some weekend jaunts planned with our tribe.  So no time for  sleepovers anywhere but in our house, together.


Bottom line....


I don't want to go.


I don't want to leave Tate.


I simply cannot bring myself to leave Tate.


I can't go.


In my heart and most of my head;  I know it's ok to feel this way.  But I have that lingering feeling of guilt that I should go, that I should want to go.  


But I just don't want to go.