Responsiblity

Being sick when you're a mom is difficult; being sick when you're a single momma by choice seems insurmountable.  


Late last Sunday afternoon I seemed to have a tickle in my throat.  I had a very slight dry cough...nothing that concerned me except that it was not my norm.  Monday, all day at work I was cold.  Yet that's not uncommon for me, and the office building had the a/c running though it was in the low 50s/high 40s outside.   


Then came Tuesday morning.  I was freezing when I woke up here at home and could barely lift my head off my pillow.  Miserable.  Tate was his normal happy self at 5:45 in the morning.  Somehow I got him dressed, myself dressed (and seriously all I did was put clothes on..no makeup, I don't think I even ran a comb through my hair...just threw on a headband), got him fed and I took my temperature...102.8.  Miserable.  I grabbed Tate, our stuff and a blanket and out the door we went.  I floated into the daycare with him...thank goodness he's such a good little boy.   It was cold out, he needed a jacket and hat and I needed him to walk on his own...all of which he did with no fuss.  Somehow I made it to work.  It felt like the longest day of my life.  My fever stayed between 102 and 103 all day whilst I lived on Tylenol.  In between patients I laid on the floor in my office under my blanket from home with my head on my purse.  Miserable.


Thankfully, Lindsey was already planning on picking Tate up from daycare for me.  She helped me get him fed.  I got him bathed and in bed by 7.  Still had to clean up and get ready for the next day for him.  I have no recollection of how I did any of that.  Wednesday, I felt a bit better though still running a low grade fever;  by the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted.  But sadly Thursday I was right back where I started.  I actually started crying at work I was so miserable.  OJ was brought in for me and they held the schedule as it was...no add ins.  I could barely function.  On top of all of this is my constant worry that Tate is going to catch whatever it was I had.  I was washing my hands constantly, handling his food and everything else only while wearing gloves.  I didn't kiss or cuddle him.  And it's so hard now because he is such a cuddle bug now!!!  And for the first time since he was born I slept in a different room than him.  I started this on Wednesday evening after coughing like a maniac all night Tuesday and waking him up.  It was so hard to leave him alone on the 3rd floor and sleep on the first floor.  I felt more than guilty, plus I truly love sharing our room.  But I needed him to get his rest, and I needed some solid sleep.  He sleeps through the night, but he cries out at least 2 times during the night when he turns over looking for a pacifier which in turn awakens me.  But I missed him.  I missed hearing him turn over, missed hearing him breathe, simply missed his presence.  However, it was the best thing for both of us.  I've been downstairs for 3 night, and  I am actually going to spend one more night downstairs tonight since I still have a slight cough and congestion.  Friday, I took him to daycare around 9 just so I could get some rest...add that to my extreme Mommy guilt.  There was no way we were going to make it to our Music Together class, and I needed to just get my strength back as I still felt horrible.  I picked him up early and we spent the rest of the day on the floor playing.  Today I'm much better, still far from 100%.  I know that had I just been able to stay home that first day and get some rest when I was the sickest and most feverish I would not still be so sick.


But here's the thing.  I'm the sole provider for our family.  It's just me.  Only me.  Worse, I am in a job where I have no paid sick time.  If I'm sick, I don't get paid.  So I go in, run the risk of infecting everyone in contact with me and do my job as best I can.  Then when I'm home not feeling good, I still have to play with Tate, change him, feed him, full on take care of him.   I don't have someone who can run out at 1am and get me some Tylenol if I run out.   But I'm a mother.  It's amazing what you can and WILL do when you're a mother.   This little boy depends totally on me.  He doesn't understand that I do not feel like reading 'Maisy' for the umpteenth time.  He just wants his mommy.  And I just want my mommy.  (who sadly had a horrible ear infection all week)


So, like all single mommies out there I'm soldiering on.  I am only doing only that which must be done for the next few days.  But this is what I signed up for.  And as hard as it has been, it has made me realize how strong I can be.  I don't always want to be that strong one, but for now I am.  I am mommy, hear me roar.

Where Have We Been?

It's been an interesting couple of weeks!!  After our visit to the ER, we saw the allergist the following week.  After some detective work, we ascertained that the only new thing was oranges.  I had just started him on those about a week prior to this incident.   He had oranges that day for lunch.  Now I just knew this test was going to come back negative.  I really and truly believed it would...who is allergic to oranges?!  Well, lo and behold he came back positive!!!  He is allergic to oranges.  I cannot believe it, and our allergist is flummoxed by the severity of his reaction to the oranges.  So, we now avoid all citrus items!  I must say though, I don't believe this will be our last reaction.  My little guy just seems to have so many allergy issues.  His total IgE is high which means he is an allergic kid...I didn't need a test to tell me that!

So, where else have we been?  My computer no longer has a screen that operates.  The computer comes to life and happily sits there ready to be used.  However, the screen is black!  Ugh.  As such, I have been without a computer for 6 days with 3-4 more days to go!!  And I have moved on from PCs!!  My sister, Lindsey and Christian have convinced me a Mac is the way to go, so my Macbook Pro should arrive within the week.  (fyi...I'm writing this on Lindsey's Mac) My pink Dell is to be purely decoration from now on.

Then.......my dryer went on the fritz.  About 10 days ago I smelled gas in my laundry room.  The gas company came out and found no signs of gas anywhere in my house thankfully.  However, the gentleman told me my dryer was improperly connected to the outlet or whatever you call that thing that  goes outside and  carbon monoxide leaks out that way!!  So now I have to get a new dryer!!  And I've just decided to get a new washer as well!

Carbon monoxide...unbelievable.  Of course, I have huge mommy guilt as the laundry room is right next to our room.  How many times have I done laundry with him sound asleep, though both doors are always closed.  I now have carbon monoxide detectors on all 3 floors. 

So, our 2011 has started out with a bang...a bang my wallet could have done without. :)  But it's ok!!  It's still going to be a great year!!  We are going to Virginia this summer for a family reunion.  Christian will be returning at least twice to visit!!  And most importantly,  Tate is still his funny, festive, loving self.  He has started that noise with his lips where he uses his hands to make that brrrrSoooo cute.  In the past 2-3 weeks he has started giving me the most amazing hugs and kisses.  He loves when we're playing on the floor and I lay down on the floor...I become his jungle gym and he is all over me just giggling away.  He has a new fascination with airplanes.  Whenever he hears one he puts his hand up and looks out the window (if we're inside) and if we're outside he turn in circles looking at the sky trying to find it.  He can even do the sign for airplane and he will say 'air.'  Maybe we'll drive near one of the airports and just hang out one day.   

So happy 2011 everyone and especially my wonderful Baby Tate!!!

The last day of Twenty-Ten

As I bathed Tate tonight, this last day of 2010, I was in awe of how much my baby has grown in the past 365 days.  He walks, talks (well a little bit!), runs, squeals in delight, laughs full on belly laughs, hugs me...the most bestest feeling in the world, has opinions and tantrums, follows directions, knows what he wants, loves cars and airplanes, plays, chases the cat, loves Christmas tree lights and his new Christmas train.  He's still pretty serious, but once he's warmed up to you, he'll giggle like no other. 

He's my sweet, sweet boy.  My son.  All mine and mine alone.  And I get to spend another year with the honor of being his mommy.  Most times I cannot believe he's here and that he's mine.  I do acknowledge that he's not really 'mine,' but I have been given the privilege of raising him by our Father.  There are times I cannot believe he was once even more a part of me, growing inside me....what an honor that was!

This sweet boy of mine has had a difficult end to 2010.  Yesterday, my parents were watching him while I worked.  My mom called me around 1pm to tell me Tate had woken from his nap screaming and his eyes were swelling shut.  My parents were beside themselves, and asked me to meet them at the ER.  I raced from work, however I just knew they had to be exaggerating.  Once I got to the ER I realized very quickly they were not.  My poor baby was having yet another idiopathic allergic reaction.



I was horrified.  I felt just awful for him.  My poor parents;  I have never seen my dad so worried and my mom was beside herself.  And Tate.  He was so sad.  We were hustled to the back once I arrived.  He got an injection of epinephrine and decadron (a steroid).  My parents were also with it and gave him a dose of benadryl before they left their house!  We will be off to the allergist next week for another evaluation.  This is the second time he's had a reaction to something unknown.  I hate this not knowing.  It could be anything and as such anything and everything is fair game.  And that's the scariest thing!  How can I protect him if I don't know what I'm protecting him from.  And that's my most important job...protector.  Mother bear!  Noone and nothing is supposed to hurt my baby if I can help it.  I feel helpless and that has to be the worst feeling in the world.

However, I have to have faith.  I know we will figure this out.  God is going to protect my sweet boy.  As we leave 2010 I am so blessed.  Tate has brought me so much joy.  I can't think of anywhere I would rather be than with him.  My wish for 2011 and every other year to come is to remember to just stop and enjoy the moments.  Each and every one of them.  To just sit, be still and enjoy what I have.  And what I have is what I have always wanted most in the world...my baby, my child, my gift from God.

Christmas Day!

Sadly, I must return to work tomorrow for 3 days.  As a pediatric dentist, I'm supposed to relish in the children being off from school, hence their parents want to drag them in to have their teeth drilled and filled.  I don't know who wants to be there less...me or them.


Tate will be with my parents, even though his daycare is open, less than half of the normal attendees are going to be there.  Last week he was one of only two kids in his class (normally there are five).  And in the evenings when I went to get him he was one of only like 7 kids left, and the rest were all older than him.  The teachers are great and keep him safe, so I certainly don't worry about that, but I just don't want him to feel out of sorts.  Who knows?  He probably misses being there and will probably have a hard time adjusting next week when he returns.  Again though, I'm probably projecting like all parents do with their guilt!


So on to the good stuff!!  Tate had a festive Christmas!!  We woke up around 6am, well ok his normal time of 530, and I make him lay in bed with me until at least 6!   Changed him and read him a book about the birth of Jesus really quickly.  I then took him up to go to look at the tree (we were at my parents'), and he ran in, sat down, pointed to the tree to have the lights come on and then scampered up to go eat breakfast.  He didn't notice his train, stuffed animal, remote control car or legos!  None of it!!  All he could think of were his banana, cheerios and plain Greek yogurt.  :)  He then climbed into bed with my parents (had to walk past the tree to get to their room!!).  By 7 though everyone was up including Aunt Lindsey!  Santa brought Tate a Fisher Price Geo-Traxx train, some legos, some books, a Hape car and a Melissa and Doug sort and stack set.  When we get home to our house I'm betting Santa will have left Tate a personalized Land of Nod chair :)


The train was a huge huge hit!

LOVING his train!



LEGOS!

  Tate really wasn't into unwrapping presents, playing with the wrapping paper or empty boxes or anything about the whole gift thing.  I don't even think he was overwhelmed...he was just indifferent :)  Such a funny little guy!!


But we had some festive firsts these past four days!!  Tooth #L popped through on Christmas Day!  Tate will say 'ho, ho, ho!' and he even said Jesus!!!  That made my Christmas!!  I gave him a Little People Nativity Set for his 17 month birthday (yes yes yes I still celebrate on the 23rd of each month!!).  He loves it!!  I continuously talked about the Baby Jesus, and now he will go look for it and call it Jesus (now, not consistently, but enough for me to know he knows which one He is).  


Actually, Tate has made some great strides in the past month.  He still doesn't have alot of very clear words, but he is finally saying Mama with more regularity and sometimes even in regard to me!!!!   He says 'up' to be picked up.  He climbs into his highchair...all the way and pulls down the tray...I'm sure I shouldn't let him do this!!  He will put his pacifier and lovey in the crib after nap and night sleep time.  He will point to his toes when I say toes, and he loves to put on shoes.   He knocks on doors with those cute little hands to be let in!!  He's signing please really well; he has also signed mommy.  :) :) He will also play by himself for about 10 minutes at a time which allows me to get some things done!  He'll usually come running to wherever I am and throw his little arms around my legs to make sure I'm still there then go back to what he was doing.   He's sleeping so much better as well.  He naps great at daycare (2 - 2 1/2 hours) and ok at home (about 90 minutes) and is finally sleeping through the night most nights (7p-4a, into my bed usually til 515/530)  I have tried a later bedtime between 730/8 which has him up at 430 ready to go and then cranky as all get out the rest of the day!  So I stick to the 7p bedtime (earlier on weekends, 630 or so, when he takes the short naps)  But I'm getting so much more rest these days!  I've also started just napping with him on the weekends sometimes...sooo worth it!! 


I can't begin to really acknowledge all the ways that Tate has grown since Christmas last year.  So, I'll let a couple of pictures remind me.


Last year he was my five month old little baby...soft, cuddly, warm and soooo sweet.

This year at 17 months, he is still my baby, still soft, cuddly, warm and soooo sweet.  He's also so funny, full of belly laughs, runs up to hug me all the time and still makes my heart melt.

Merry CHRISTmas!

Christmas 2010

Tate's second Christmas!!   We've been going to the Awesome Worship Service at our church, St. John the Divine, and he does so well.  It's a total kid geared service with great music and Tate can make as much noise as he wants!  I really wanted him to experience the season of Advent.  It wasn't quite the traditional service that I love, but it was special.

We put the Christmas tree up the Friday after Thanksgiving (well Christian and I did), and for a couple of weeks Tate didn't even seem to notice it.  Then, he noticed the lights twinkling away one night when we got home from work/daycare.  The next morning as soon as we came downstairs he ran over to the tree, looked up at it and pointed and said 'Yights!' He then sat down and waited for me to turn them on.  To watch his beautiful face light up (no pun intended!) as he watched the tree glow just melted my heart.  He would sit down each time as he patiently waited for me and it was just precious.  His absolute belief that the tree would light up each and every time just takes my breath away.  Each time I sit down with him and look up at the tree as well and think about my amazement that this little boy is my son.  I look over at him, and I'm so proud of him and of myself.  It's been such a glorious 17 months, no actually Tate and I have been together since October 24, 2008, so 26 months of life together.  I am so very blessed.

Our First Trip to the ER (aka a Single Mom's Anguish)

Never have I been so aware of my singleness while raising this precious boy of mine than today.  It's an amazing, awesome, overwhelming, mind-boggling notion knowing you are completely and totally responsible for the life of another human being.  And then that human being is the one person you love most in the world.  My arms aren't big enough to protect my little boy from all the horrors of this world, and they certainly feel exceedingly short this evening.

Last night when I picked Tate up from daycare he had a small red welt on the bridge of his nose (about the diameter of a dime).  The assistant director said she had noticed as had his teacher, but Tate had not had any sort of accident as far as anyone knew.  He certainly had not cried during the day or acted like he had hurt himself.  But this is a child (at 14 months of age) who once when bitten by another child, calmly walked to the teacher who was trying to intervene and showed her his arm.  In any event, I wondered if he had fallen and hit his face and had broken his nose.  I mean he's 16 months old...he trips over those cute little feet all the time, and he is a HUGE climber!  He is fearless on the playground (while loving having me ride down the slide with him!).  I figured he would be black and blue under his eye(s) this morning if he did indeed have a broken nose.

I put him to bed last night, and he fussed a bit not wanting to go down in his crib alone, so I let him fall asleep in my bed and stay there (bed rails up!!)  He was up and down all night searching for his pacifier, but it never dawned on me he might be uncomfortable.  I had made the conscious decision to NOT give him any Ibuprofen at bedtime last night because I didn't want to mask any swelling etc.  Well this morning I woke up and my baby looked like this!!

I felt terrible for him and decided he must have broken his nose.  I took him to the ER up the street figuring my pediatrician's office would send me to the ER for a possible broken nose.  The staff at the ER (one of those street front places) was just awesome.  It was an actual emergency room type place as the lovely lady explained to me when I came in.  I did not know there is a difference between a street front ER and Urgent Care.  So here's a PSA in case you didn't either...street front ERs will have physicians on the premises and operate in the same manner as your hospital ERs.  Urgent care centers are usually staffed by physician's assistants, nurses and the such.  Urgent care centers are cheaper as well.  I was more than pleased to realize we were at an actual ER because I wanted my 16 month old to see an actual physician.

In any event, we were triaged and in our room within 5 minutes.   Upon examination, the nurse said she didn't feel any real break (and I hadn't the night before either, but hey I'm not a doctor!)  When she then said I think it might be some sort of infection, my heart sank.  I just knew that couldn't be good as this redness is covering his nose and has spread to his left eye slightly.  All I could think was...this is so close to his brain.  But no tears yet;  Tate was less than thrilled by this whole process thus far, so smiley Mommy I was.  We went off to take x-rays.  Thankfully, nothing was broken. 

On the other hand, we now have an infection to deal with.  As always with Tate, it's idiopathic.  Was he bit by something that allowed some bacteria to get in, did he get some sort of little cut.  We know it was something of that sort...that's how staph works.  We all have staph on our skin all the time, it's just that when it has an opportunity it can be harsh.  And this is on my antibiotic resistant son.  As I sat there with the very nice ER physician with Tate screaming and crying for no good reason, not wanting his pacifier or his hippo or puffs or anything he normally craves, I couldn't hear her or get the gist of all she was saying.  I almost lost it in my despair because had I had a partner there with me he could have held Tate for me, or I could have held Tate while he got the information.  The doc was lovely and suggested we walk around to distract Tate and we talked, and that helped immensely.  But for those brief seconds, I so wished for someone else to please please help me.  So the big thing we're worried about is MRSA.  Ugh...my poor poor baby.  Tate got an injection of Rocephin and we got a script called in for Bactrim which is the first line of defense against MRSA.  We then saw our ped, so she could see him and we have to follow up in the morning to see if he's getting better.  If he is not we will be sent to the hospital for admittance and IV antibiotics.

As always, Tate is his happy easy-going playful self.  He's been pumped full of meds today...2 antibiotics, 2 doses of benadryl (ped really thinks it's from a small insect bite and boom the staph got in!) 2 doses of ibuprofen and his normal Singular.  Thank goodness Tate LOVES taking medicine!!  Loves it!!  But he is so happy and cuddly.  We went to the playground and I just melt when we get up to the extremely high slide (it gives me the heebie jeebies to look down, and he climbs up to it himself!).  He turns to me and waits for me to get situated and he grabs my hands and puts them around him and down we go together.  When we get to the bottom he claps his hands and burrows into me.  Such unabashed love and enjoyment of life just make my life the happiest I've ever been.

Tonight as we sat under the lit Christmas tree with Christmas music in the background in the darkening night Tate was just beautiful as the light hit his eyes.  He touches the ornaments with a little care :) or points to the tree.  I'm again overwhelmed with all that he brings to my life.  In those moments sometimes I'm sad to not have someone here to share this love with.  And there are days like today when just having someone here to catch me at the end of the day would be so so nice.  And then there's just the unabashed festive joy of watching your son light up because of you.  How I would love to share that happines with someone!

It makes me ponder my relationship my Lord.  How many times do I turn to Him with my joy?  And how many times do I turn to Him with my sadness, hurt or worry?  I need to remember to share my joy with Him every single day.  And I know that He will then carry my hurt, worry and sadness and I most likely won't even have to think of them. 

My prayer tonight is one of healing for Tate, but mostly gratitude for the blessing of my life with Tate.

Yes, Tate, There is a Santa Claus, and another, and another...

I am such a mommy.  Just ask my little boy.  As of today, December 5, 2010 he has seen 3 Santas!!  :)  In 3 different Christmas outfits.  And we have more Christmas pajamas than there are days in December (well that's an exaggeration, but he's so cute in all of them)

I'm really blessed to have such a laid back baby.   He has been amazing and not shed one tear.  Now, I'm not getting huge smiles out of him, but he's obviously taking it all in, trying to figure it out.  I love watching him absorb all that is around him.   So, here is Tate with all his Santa friends...

 

However, amongst all the Santa Clauses, Christmas trees, Frostys and presents the most important person I want Tate to really 'get' is Jesus Christ.  Today is the second Sunday of Advent, and we ventured to church for the first time in a while.  I was really good about taking him when he was an infant and would sleep through the service.  Once he hit the walking/talking/trying to transition to one nap stage church was quite the challenge.  (I'm so blessed that at his church daycare he goes to chapel every Wednesday!)  We went to the Awesome Service today at our church, St. John the Divine, which is all about the kiddos!!  There was lots of singing, dancing in the aisles and praising.  He did really well.  I am so excited to share this most important part of my life with my son.  I cannot wait for him to join the youth group or the children's choir or the acolytes...all of the beauty that is the celebration of our Lord and Saviour.  I remember growing up how much I loved my youth group and how amazingly close to God I always felt, and I so want that for my Tate.   This is the best Christmas present I can give to my son.