Responsiblity

Being sick when you're a mom is difficult; being sick when you're a single momma by choice seems insurmountable.  


Late last Sunday afternoon I seemed to have a tickle in my throat.  I had a very slight dry cough...nothing that concerned me except that it was not my norm.  Monday, all day at work I was cold.  Yet that's not uncommon for me, and the office building had the a/c running though it was in the low 50s/high 40s outside.   


Then came Tuesday morning.  I was freezing when I woke up here at home and could barely lift my head off my pillow.  Miserable.  Tate was his normal happy self at 5:45 in the morning.  Somehow I got him dressed, myself dressed (and seriously all I did was put clothes on..no makeup, I don't think I even ran a comb through my hair...just threw on a headband), got him fed and I took my temperature...102.8.  Miserable.  I grabbed Tate, our stuff and a blanket and out the door we went.  I floated into the daycare with him...thank goodness he's such a good little boy.   It was cold out, he needed a jacket and hat and I needed him to walk on his own...all of which he did with no fuss.  Somehow I made it to work.  It felt like the longest day of my life.  My fever stayed between 102 and 103 all day whilst I lived on Tylenol.  In between patients I laid on the floor in my office under my blanket from home with my head on my purse.  Miserable.


Thankfully, Lindsey was already planning on picking Tate up from daycare for me.  She helped me get him fed.  I got him bathed and in bed by 7.  Still had to clean up and get ready for the next day for him.  I have no recollection of how I did any of that.  Wednesday, I felt a bit better though still running a low grade fever;  by the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted.  But sadly Thursday I was right back where I started.  I actually started crying at work I was so miserable.  OJ was brought in for me and they held the schedule as it was...no add ins.  I could barely function.  On top of all of this is my constant worry that Tate is going to catch whatever it was I had.  I was washing my hands constantly, handling his food and everything else only while wearing gloves.  I didn't kiss or cuddle him.  And it's so hard now because he is such a cuddle bug now!!!  And for the first time since he was born I slept in a different room than him.  I started this on Wednesday evening after coughing like a maniac all night Tuesday and waking him up.  It was so hard to leave him alone on the 3rd floor and sleep on the first floor.  I felt more than guilty, plus I truly love sharing our room.  But I needed him to get his rest, and I needed some solid sleep.  He sleeps through the night, but he cries out at least 2 times during the night when he turns over looking for a pacifier which in turn awakens me.  But I missed him.  I missed hearing him turn over, missed hearing him breathe, simply missed his presence.  However, it was the best thing for both of us.  I've been downstairs for 3 night, and  I am actually going to spend one more night downstairs tonight since I still have a slight cough and congestion.  Friday, I took him to daycare around 9 just so I could get some rest...add that to my extreme Mommy guilt.  There was no way we were going to make it to our Music Together class, and I needed to just get my strength back as I still felt horrible.  I picked him up early and we spent the rest of the day on the floor playing.  Today I'm much better, still far from 100%.  I know that had I just been able to stay home that first day and get some rest when I was the sickest and most feverish I would not still be so sick.


But here's the thing.  I'm the sole provider for our family.  It's just me.  Only me.  Worse, I am in a job where I have no paid sick time.  If I'm sick, I don't get paid.  So I go in, run the risk of infecting everyone in contact with me and do my job as best I can.  Then when I'm home not feeling good, I still have to play with Tate, change him, feed him, full on take care of him.   I don't have someone who can run out at 1am and get me some Tylenol if I run out.   But I'm a mother.  It's amazing what you can and WILL do when you're a mother.   This little boy depends totally on me.  He doesn't understand that I do not feel like reading 'Maisy' for the umpteenth time.  He just wants his mommy.  And I just want my mommy.  (who sadly had a horrible ear infection all week)


So, like all single mommies out there I'm soldiering on.  I am only doing only that which must be done for the next few days.  But this is what I signed up for.  And as hard as it has been, it has made me realize how strong I can be.  I don't always want to be that strong one, but for now I am.  I am mommy, hear me roar.