Our First Trip to the ER (aka a Single Mom's Anguish)

Never have I been so aware of my singleness while raising this precious boy of mine than today.  It's an amazing, awesome, overwhelming, mind-boggling notion knowing you are completely and totally responsible for the life of another human being.  And then that human being is the one person you love most in the world.  My arms aren't big enough to protect my little boy from all the horrors of this world, and they certainly feel exceedingly short this evening.

Last night when I picked Tate up from daycare he had a small red welt on the bridge of his nose (about the diameter of a dime).  The assistant director said she had noticed as had his teacher, but Tate had not had any sort of accident as far as anyone knew.  He certainly had not cried during the day or acted like he had hurt himself.  But this is a child (at 14 months of age) who once when bitten by another child, calmly walked to the teacher who was trying to intervene and showed her his arm.  In any event, I wondered if he had fallen and hit his face and had broken his nose.  I mean he's 16 months old...he trips over those cute little feet all the time, and he is a HUGE climber!  He is fearless on the playground (while loving having me ride down the slide with him!).  I figured he would be black and blue under his eye(s) this morning if he did indeed have a broken nose.

I put him to bed last night, and he fussed a bit not wanting to go down in his crib alone, so I let him fall asleep in my bed and stay there (bed rails up!!)  He was up and down all night searching for his pacifier, but it never dawned on me he might be uncomfortable.  I had made the conscious decision to NOT give him any Ibuprofen at bedtime last night because I didn't want to mask any swelling etc.  Well this morning I woke up and my baby looked like this!!

I felt terrible for him and decided he must have broken his nose.  I took him to the ER up the street figuring my pediatrician's office would send me to the ER for a possible broken nose.  The staff at the ER (one of those street front places) was just awesome.  It was an actual emergency room type place as the lovely lady explained to me when I came in.  I did not know there is a difference between a street front ER and Urgent Care.  So here's a PSA in case you didn't either...street front ERs will have physicians on the premises and operate in the same manner as your hospital ERs.  Urgent care centers are usually staffed by physician's assistants, nurses and the such.  Urgent care centers are cheaper as well.  I was more than pleased to realize we were at an actual ER because I wanted my 16 month old to see an actual physician.

In any event, we were triaged and in our room within 5 minutes.   Upon examination, the nurse said she didn't feel any real break (and I hadn't the night before either, but hey I'm not a doctor!)  When she then said I think it might be some sort of infection, my heart sank.  I just knew that couldn't be good as this redness is covering his nose and has spread to his left eye slightly.  All I could think was...this is so close to his brain.  But no tears yet;  Tate was less than thrilled by this whole process thus far, so smiley Mommy I was.  We went off to take x-rays.  Thankfully, nothing was broken. 

On the other hand, we now have an infection to deal with.  As always with Tate, it's idiopathic.  Was he bit by something that allowed some bacteria to get in, did he get some sort of little cut.  We know it was something of that sort...that's how staph works.  We all have staph on our skin all the time, it's just that when it has an opportunity it can be harsh.  And this is on my antibiotic resistant son.  As I sat there with the very nice ER physician with Tate screaming and crying for no good reason, not wanting his pacifier or his hippo or puffs or anything he normally craves, I couldn't hear her or get the gist of all she was saying.  I almost lost it in my despair because had I had a partner there with me he could have held Tate for me, or I could have held Tate while he got the information.  The doc was lovely and suggested we walk around to distract Tate and we talked, and that helped immensely.  But for those brief seconds, I so wished for someone else to please please help me.  So the big thing we're worried about is MRSA.  Ugh...my poor poor baby.  Tate got an injection of Rocephin and we got a script called in for Bactrim which is the first line of defense against MRSA.  We then saw our ped, so she could see him and we have to follow up in the morning to see if he's getting better.  If he is not we will be sent to the hospital for admittance and IV antibiotics.

As always, Tate is his happy easy-going playful self.  He's been pumped full of meds today...2 antibiotics, 2 doses of benadryl (ped really thinks it's from a small insect bite and boom the staph got in!) 2 doses of ibuprofen and his normal Singular.  Thank goodness Tate LOVES taking medicine!!  Loves it!!  But he is so happy and cuddly.  We went to the playground and I just melt when we get up to the extremely high slide (it gives me the heebie jeebies to look down, and he climbs up to it himself!).  He turns to me and waits for me to get situated and he grabs my hands and puts them around him and down we go together.  When we get to the bottom he claps his hands and burrows into me.  Such unabashed love and enjoyment of life just make my life the happiest I've ever been.

Tonight as we sat under the lit Christmas tree with Christmas music in the background in the darkening night Tate was just beautiful as the light hit his eyes.  He touches the ornaments with a little care :) or points to the tree.  I'm again overwhelmed with all that he brings to my life.  In those moments sometimes I'm sad to not have someone here to share this love with.  And there are days like today when just having someone here to catch me at the end of the day would be so so nice.  And then there's just the unabashed festive joy of watching your son light up because of you.  How I would love to share that happines with someone!

It makes me ponder my relationship my Lord.  How many times do I turn to Him with my joy?  And how many times do I turn to Him with my sadness, hurt or worry?  I need to remember to share my joy with Him every single day.  And I know that He will then carry my hurt, worry and sadness and I most likely won't even have to think of them. 

My prayer tonight is one of healing for Tate, but mostly gratitude for the blessing of my life with Tate.