You Should Have Gone Last Night

"You should have gone last night Jenn."

Pretty much the first words out of my boss/friend's mouth this morning as we were waiting in our office for our patients to arrive.  Last night there was an all female study club organized by two local female orthodontists...a 'fun' way to get some CE as well as to socialize with other female dentists in our area.  It sounded like a great idea...cocktail hour, dinner (free!!!) and a lecture garnering attendees 3 free CE credits.  I actually wanted to go, but was without a babysitter.  

Yes, I knew about the study club about 3 weeks ago.

Yes, I could have asked my overworked parents to babysit for me yet again.

Yes, I could have tried to find someone else to watch Tate.

Shoulda, Coulda, Wouldn't.

Mind you my boss has no kids, nor does the new associate in our office.  And I'm all about my kid as we all well know.  I have nothing to talk about with them...while they shooting the breeze about the latest installment of some cooking show or the hippest coolest new restaurant to go to or what new tennis shoes to buy,  I'm ordering 4th birthday party invitations and worrying about how to keep my almost 4 year old from eating peanuts.  I'm feeling a little adrift in the office lately...not one of the support staff, but not one of the 'in' doctors.  I'm a bit of an afterthought.  So I try to come in, do my job and go home as soon as possible to spend 2 hours with my son.  Still I did want to go to the study club if for no other reason than to get some of my needed CE credit for the year.  I wasn't thrilled about the fact that I wouldn't see Tate at all after dropping him off at daycare, but I was going to do it anyway (this would have been at most the second time that had happened, though I can't recall that it ever has).

Then Lindsey had plan for last night that I found out about maybe a day or two after the invitation for the study club.  My parents have been overloaded with babysitting in the past 2 weeks.  My dad was here this past Monday, he came today since I had to work and took Tate to swimming lessons.  They are meeting me at my office on Monday to take him to soccer camp in this hot humid weather for an hour and returning him to daycare.  We will be spending an entire week with them later in July so Tate can go to VBS at their church...which means my mom will take him, volunteer at VBS and they will take care of him for the rest of the afternoon for 4 days (one day is his birthday, so I'm only working half day).  They are taking him to swim lessons on August 16, taking him home with them and keeping him overnight so I can go to the Keith Urban concert.

Tate and Papa coloring this morning as I left!

Remembering that they live almost 30 miles away and gas isn't cheap I decided I couldn't possibly ask them to watch Tate last night.  

I suppose I could have tried to find a babysitter.  But honestly, noone else has really ever put Tate to bed.  My friend's nanny who took him to Moody Gardens when I had that meeting in Galveston would have been a great choice. 

She doesn't drive :(.

Houston is not a public transportation friendly city.  The class started at 5:30.  I get off work at 5:00.  It would have taken me an hour to get to her and probably just as long to get home...this is an obvious no-go just from that.  Her boyfriend who drives her over when she does babysit her also gets off at 5:00...no way they could have gotten here in a timely manner.

His daycare teacher who has babysat for him no longer works there :(.

The other two ladies who have sat for him have never met him, as he was asleep already the 4 or 5 times they arrived.  I was not about to have Tate be picked up by someone he doesn't know (he most likely wouldn't have gone with either of them anyway), have them feed him and get him to bed.  I'm not doing that to my 3 year old in a non-emergency situation.

So I didn't go.

I tried explaining that I didn't have a sitter and remind her I don't have a husband available to stay home when I need to do things.  I didn't go into detail as it was patently obvious that she just didn't get it or finds the whole having a child thing just extemporaneous.  As she went on and on about ALLLL the people there who I didn't get to see, I thought to myself "Those people don't truly care about me and my life.  And that's really ok.  If they did, we would be emailing, texting and calling to keep up with one another.  Because that's what friends do.  They're less than acquaintances."

Yes it would have been nice to see some of those ladies.  I would have geniunely laughed and asked how their lives were.  I would have enjoyed a glass of wine.  I would have been thrilled to hear Dr. Flaitiz speak.  I would have been grateful for the free CE.

Instead, I spent some time with my son and my sister at the Southwestern Alumni Association Happy Hour (Lindsey picked Tate up and brought him to the pub).  She's one of the officers and the organizer, and though I don't really usually know anyone at the Happy Hours I go to support her and to get some time outside our routine.  But I bring Tate's dinner with me which I prepare at the office.  He eats.  I get a free glass of wine and some appetizers, and we go home an hour or more before it's over and I get him to bed on time.  (Lindsey obviously has to stay until the end)

I enjoyed a Cosmo, a quesadilla and some chips and queso.  Tate noshed on a homemade cheese quesadilla, yogurt, milk, grapes, POP chips and more of the pub's chips than I realized.  I say that because last night he threw everything up...way too many chips.  Sigh.  But he's absolutely fine :)

Just one sip pppllllleeeaaaseee!!

CHIPS!!

Such love!

All that to say I didn't appreciate feeling berated this morning by the "You should have gone last night." And I get that it's hard for people who are childless to get it.  I also get that there are many parents who have no problem getting sitters and nannies all the time;  I have friends who do this...they're out almost every single week after working til 7 every night and make it a point to go out at least once on the weekends while the nanny stays with the kids.  I say good for them.  That's just not the type of parent I am.  I am striving to get better about leaving Tate with others.  I do want to have other sitters I can trust to take care of him instead of constantly depending on my family, but that trust is so very hard.  So very hard.  I want to maintain my friendships and relationships with those who are dear to me.  For those I do make an effort;  I do get babysitters.  It just has to be worth it for me.  And though I need the CE credit, last night just wasn't worth it for me.  It wasn't worth it for me to miss reading a bedtime story, to miss him giggling as he got dressed or to miss being here when he got sick.  Maybe it'll be worth it next time.  

Cause there's always a next time.  There just isn't always a next time with your 3 year old because before I know it he'll be going to the study club.  

Yeah, I shouldn't have gone last night.  So glad I didn't.