He and Raik spent a few days on the east and west coasts of this great United States. Christian and I talked and emailed regularly. He was taking his sperm enhancing pills :) and following the doctor's recommendation of no laptops on the lap, exercising regularly and wearing boxer shorts! (we had had to buy a nice supply on his trip to visit in August). In addition, my RE had suggested that he abstain from any and all sexual activity 4-5 days prior to any sort of insemination.
I was an absolute basket case. I so wanted this to work this first time. I was just so worried about the logistics of doing this a second, third or fourth time. We had decided for the second time I would fly to him in Germany. This concerned me because flying and changing time zones so drastically can really interfere with some women's cycles. As well I would have to take quite a bit of time off work, which would be unpaid, to be sure to be there long enough to ovulate while I was there give or take an unknown few days on either side. And I was desperate to be pregnant sooner than later.
I know my worry and desperation started to really come through to Christian during our last emails and phone calls. He did his best to reassure me and try to help me relax because we both knew that my being stressed would probably be my biggest hindrance to getting pregnant aside from my age.
He and Raik were set to arrive on the early afternoon of the 23rd via a layover in Dallas.
I don't remember what happened but their flight was delayed. And delayed again.
I anticipated ovulating sometime on the 24th. And we know I knew because I had checked my beautiful cervix that morning of the 23rd before work...things were a-happening!
I was hoping to do an insemination on the evening of the 23rd as well as the next few days.
I was frantic.
Many texts and phone calls ensued. They considered renting a car and driving down to Houston; I'm pretty sure I considered walking up to Dallas :).
Cooler minds prevailed and they finally arrived in Houston around 8pm. I, of course, was apoplectic.
They were exhausted having come from California. I was exhausted from nerves, long day at work and my life's dream *almost* within reach...to become a mother.
I got them fed and situated in the room downstairs and while Raik relaxed with a shower and some alone time, Christian and I took the opportunity to reconnect alone. All the while I'm thinking 'Ok let's get this show on the road.'
And as I sat on my little green loveseat with him across the room on the couch I came to the sick realization that we were not going to try that evening.
I was devastated, heartbroken, crushed.
I don't remember what either of us said or how it came to be, nor is that something that needs to be put out for others to read or know, including Tate. All I remember is that Christian simply was not in a place that evening where he could help me make a baby. I simply withdrew into myself and could not figure out what on earth had changed his mind, though he kept reassuring me he wanted to do this and that couldn't we try tomorrow? Like my body could be told to 'just wait a minute.'
He went on downstairs to get ready for bed and I went up to my room. I sat and just cried. I called my next door neighbor around 10 and as I hiccuped into the phone I asked her to come over because I needed someone to talk to. K is amazing and came right over. She hugged me and comforted me as I wailed that it seemed like Christian had changed his mind and why did he have to wait until he was here to tell me this? Why did he waste 3 months of my rapidly disappearing reproductive life, actually more, saying he was on board with this?
She left some 30 minutes later and I headed on up to bed thinking I might never become a mother.
Hormones. They'll get you every time.
1 comment:
If I didn't know that this story had a happy ending, it would be heartbreaking. I was on the edge of my seat reading this and feeling your pain--then I realized that right now you are spending time with your beautiful son.
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