All Over The Place

So many thoughts and ideas are running through my head this evening.  Thoughts of my sweet Tate who last night at 12:44am wasn't so sweet with his 20 minutes kicking, screaming, bucking fit for reasons unbeknownst to me.  Who tonight couldn't stand the pajamas I put on him because they were a bit too short, so every time he scooched off the bed the pants legs rolled up a bit.  This. Drives. Him. Bonkers.  Absolutely bonkers.  He would crawl back up on the bed, stand up and wait for me to pull the pants legs back down, scooch back off the bed and crawl right back up and stand up.  After 4 times of this nonsense with tears starting I asked him if he wanted to change his pajamas.  He wailed yes so I took off the offending pjs and got another pair out.  Well that was all she wrote.  He fussed and wailed and whimpered about all my choices and didn't seem to have an idea about what he wanted.  So into the crib he went with only socks and an overnight diaper on.  No story.  No rocking. No singing.  I was not in the mood tonight and very obviously he was not either.  I think he's drifted off to sleep after a 10 minute crying jag.  I'm scared to go look.

Then there is the KONY 2012 video going around FB and all other social networking sites.  It just brings me pain that I can't express to see these beautiful dark brown faces of these precious children just suffering, just suffering, living in fear.  And simply because Africa has no economic offerings for this amazing country of ours it appears nothing has been done for over 25 years.  Unless we have something to gain we do not intervene...weapons of mass destruction (which may or may not exist) threaten our very livelihood we're told.  But truly they threaten my country's access to oil to run my expensive car.  Massive infighting in Afghanistan, atrocities against the women in that country, the Taliban threaten our access to oil, that we'll fight against.  A man who hates America, Osama Bin Laden, we'll send in the best of the best to bring down (and I'm beyond grateful this man is gone), but saving the lives of millions of precious innocent children gets us 100 soldiers.


Now, I don't know much about this Invisible Children organization.  I don't know what to believe about where their money really goes or doesn't go.  As such I have yet to donate;  I'll have to do more research, but for now I can get down on my knees tonight and beg my loving, amazing Father to have mercy on these children and bring them to safety.  I will pray with the tears that are now flowing down my cheeks that He intervene with His grace and stop this man and his cohorts, for this I know too.  Bringing Joseph Kony down will not end the disaster.   But maybe, just maybe the ones that take his place, because someone will, but maybe they will know that the world is watching, America is watching, Jennifer is watching.  (and if I can find 30 minutes to watch this over the course of a day everyone can)


KONY 2012


And it's an election year.  I must be honest and say I'm not really following the Republican primaries or debates or any of that business.  But I'm appalled by what I've read these men represent.  Their disdain for women and anyone else who isn't JUST like them scares the sh*t out of me.  These are not people I want representing me and these are people I do not want Tate to see in power.  


What else?  At 44 1/2 years old it's patently obvious I'm not having another child.  And I'm so very sad for my sweet Tate.  I so want him to have a sibling.  And I know I could well afford to have one;  I'm very blessed to be in the position that I am in.  But, I can't take a chance with 44 year old eggs, I can't miss work to be on bedrest on anything of that nature especially now that I have a child (I don't have the luxury of working for a large corporation with FMLA etc).  I didn't start working until I was 32, so I am making up now for saving for retirement...I need to funnel as much money as I can into my retirement accounts.  And though my career choice is one that will most likely always be in need; I need a cushion which I'm having to replenish for an 11 week maternity leave that was completely unpaid.  I also like not having to look at price tags often, and that is materialistic and is hard to write, but it makes life easier.  Yet, I save and save because I am so fearful of losing my job, my ability to do my job or something happening to my sweet little boy which would require me to stop working for a bit of time.  And I simply don't know how I would ever raise another child, an infant with a toddler with as exhausted as I am already.  I wish I had gone after my dream to be a mother earlier.


And I'm just tired.  Just plain ol' tired.  And on my SMC forum, I get so disheartened, frustrated, hurt by the number of women who are raising kids Tate's age who say they aren't tired.  How the hell is this possible?  I have been tired since July 23, 2009.  No matter how much sleep I get, and granted I honestly have not slept 8 hours straight more than twice since Tate was born.  Not more than twice.  My kid wakes up at 530am every single day, and before that when he was an infant after his 4am feed he was a bear to get back to sleep and though he usually went back to sleep I had to get up at 6 to go to work.


How can I not be tired?  I work in a profession that has one of the highest rates of suicide supposedly, that should say something about how unbelievably stressful it is.  On top of that I deal with scared, screaming little kids all day long,  plus their over the top, nervous, guilty parents and in my overly advantaged patient population I do all the treatment all day long.  Yep, I give shots to small children all day long while my friend who I work for does the diagnosis and treatment.  Now, she has the stress of being the owner, having to make the correct diagnosis, dealing with staff and everything else that comes with being a practice/business owner, so her life isn't all candy and roses.  I'm back there in the trenches though where parents are beside themselves with guilty that their kids have cavities, or seemingly angry with us for finding the cavities, wondering why their kid WHO IS HAVING A NEEDLE POKED INTO HIS GUMS is crying, asking if it's going to hurt and all the other noise I have to hear all day long.  Then I race to pick up my sweet boy who is always, always thrilled to see me and I miss him like crazy, I mean like crazy all day long.  And my next job begins, though honestly I have never seen raising Tate to be a job.  It is a joy to be his mother.  But it is work.


So maybe it's because we don't get home until 5:45 at night that I'm so tired.  Maybe it's because I feel like our evenings are always harried because I want him in bed by 7 or 730 because we have to be up no later than 6 when I have to go to work.  Then cleaning dinner dishes, lunch dishes, making lunch/snack for the next day...well that's another hour or so.  Of course I'm tired.  These other SMCs invariably get home by 4 or 430 or so it seems.  Or their kids go to bed later.  Or they don't have to plan/prepare lunch/snacks for daycare.  Or they have nannies who are getting the kids' dinners ready.  Of course they're not tired.


Speaking of tired.  I'm exhausted tonight.  I'm going off to bed.  (after I run upstairs and put some clothes on my child)
   

Sound asleep since about 740pm!!
 I only got pajama bottoms on him just now at 8:30 without waking him!
 Not willing to incite a  sleeping tantrum or an awake toddler!