Pride

So, when did how long it took your infant to sleep through the night become the measurement of a good parent?  I mean really.  If one more person tells me their 3 week old was STTN at that age with that smug look I'm going to lose it.  And they are not referring to the 'experts' definition of STTN of 5-6 hours.  Oh no no no they mean 9-12 hours.  Granted I don't often hear about 3 week olds sleeping like that, but I hear plenty of people asserting that their 3 and 4 month olds were/are.  


So, let me mention when Tate started sleeping 10-11 hours straight.  Ok, so just 10.  16 months.  Yes 16 months of age.  Oh we had some nights of success scattered throughout his first 16 months, but nothing consistent.  And honestly, I didn't really mind it.  Oh I did my fair share of complaining, but the lack of night sleep was not my concern.  I spent the majority of those first 16 months beside myself because he was such an atrocious napper.  Horrible napper.  A dream napper at daycare, just impossible at home.  I laid down with that child for more naps than I can remember which is probably why the lack of night sleep never bothered me.  


Now, he stopped waking to eat around 10 months of age.  Yet he would wake/stir/fuss anywhere between 9-10pm and then wake again in the middle of the night, and I routinely just brought him into bed with me.  I loved having him that close.  I was always of the mindset that we spent so little of the waking day together that our cuddles at night brought us together.  I recall many a night when he was a tiny thing nursing in the middle of the night, when I would lay my head back and stroke his soft head and think to myself...how many other mothers are there out there tonight with their sweet babies doing this exact same thing?  Somewhere in the heat of Africa, the cold of Iceland, the warmth of the desert and the cool of the beach mothers are walking the floors with their babes, coaxing babies back to sleep, nursing their newborns and simply enjoying the amazement of motherhood just like I am.  That feeling of solidarity that only new mothers can experience got me through many a long feeding session.


I considered CIO for about 5 minutes.  I did a half-hearted attempt at pick-up/put down around 7 months of age.  And I realized it just wasn't for me.  Oddly enough Tate's crying at nighttime just broke my heart.  He just wanted me.  He wanted some comfort from his mother.  This small creature who spent 9 months wrapped in my womb wanted my presence.  If that was what he needed I decided I would do it. I spent 41 years waiting for him to come into my life.  What were a few nights in the grand scheme of my life?  I rocked him to sleep almost every single night for about 14 months.  And it wasn't so much that he needed it, but that I needed it.  How many nights will one get to hold their child as they fall asleep in the course of 18 years?  Not all that many.  I wasn't going to let one pass me by!


Then one night at 14 months I laid him down when he was still pretty awake.  And guess what?   He put himself to sleep with nary a sound.  Nothing.  For the first couple of months he still woke up and ended up in bed with me.  I continued to lay him down a little bit awake and at 16 months he just started sleeping all the way through.  We still have our moments.  In fact this past week or so he's been waking between 2 and 3 am sitting up wanting one of the 10 pacifiers in his crib.  I know I should let him find it himself, but I get up and give it to him, lay him back down, so I can get back to sleep sooner...that's laziness on my part.  But I know he can do it, so I've let it slide.  


I guess I just don't get why we as adults feel the need to force these little infants to adjust their needs and desires to ours.  We've made the decision to bring them into this world;  did we not know it was going to be a bit of a sacrifice?  Did we not realize we were going to be tired?  That it could be really hard?  Because I simply don't agree that we are teaching them how to soothe themselves.  We are soothing ourselves.  What 3 month old needs to learn how to soothe himself?  And believe me I know exhausted. I know tired.  I pumped every 3 hours all day and night for 6 months...yes even after his 1am and 4am feeds while working fulltime.  I just couldn't do it anymore after 6 months and made the 10pm pump my last one.  And I'm certainly not saying my way would work for everyone or that what I did makes me a better mother.    But I just feel in my heart of hearts that given a chance many of these babies left to cry would figure it out on their own given the chance when they were a tiny bit older.  As well as knowing that some of these that sleep 10 hours at 4 months simply did so of their own accord.  


But none of it, none of it makes any of us better than the other.  Choose something else to be proud of...this ain't it.