This Morning

Carpool drop-off.

How does something so easy become so hard sometimes?

It's actually been quite smooth for us usually.  There have been some snafus with stuff falling out of the car and breaking as he climbs out.  Sometimes he goes out one door while the teacher comes to the other door.  Other times, we have a bad pass of the lunch box over the seat but all in all it usually goes well.  Never a teary good-bye, always saying good-bye or waving.  (I do miss that last hug from daycare drop-off, but that's virtually impossible in a car.)

Until today.

We've been in an even better groove since the holidays.  I drive up to the street before the drop off street and have him get out of his carseat (he's still in the 5 point harness and can only undo the chest strap, so I have to lean over to get to the crotch lock).  He puts on his coat, hat, backpack and mittens and then I drive up to the school.  I was wary of this because he is out of the seat belt, but he doesn't like wearing his coat in the carseat...a throw back to my insistence as a young child when you are not supposed to wear your coat in the carseat for safety reasons.  As an aside, when are they allowed to wear a coat while in the 5 point harness.  Because on the rare occasion that he wears his warm coat in it when he goes back into the harness it's super loose.  So feasibly, it's still not safe to be in the bigger coat in the 5 point.

I digress.  Today on the way to school he listened to one of his books on tape.  He had no problem when I told him he wasn't going to get to finish listening today;  he asked for the CD to put back in the book.  I suggested he  just let me leave it in the player and we could finish listening to it in the morning.  No go.  "I wanna put it away!!!"

I suggested he let me put it away while he put his coat.  Cue the beginning of some drama.  "But I want to do it."

By now I've stopped the car on the side street to get him out of the carseat and was ready to hand him his coat.  He had the book in his hand and is trying to get me to get the CD out;  I'm trying to get him to put his coat on.  Now. Please. 

Rushing him along made things worse.  "Come on Tate, put your coat on"  I grabbed the book from him, not so kindly and he started crying.  I asked "Can't I just help you with the book a little bit?  You will not be able to put the CD in with your mittens on and you can't put your backpack on with  your mittens on.  Here's your backpack.  We don't have time for this."

Big tears as he's putting on the backpack and latching it in the front.  I had the CD out by this time and I had decided to let him go ahead and put it back inside the book jacket.  By now it's our turn into the school drive.  Initially there was no one behind me, so I let him fumble around a bit with the CD and the book, which never takes him more than a second. 

Today it took several seconds...between his dissipating tears, him trying to hurry and now there's a car coming in behind us it was so hard.  Then he wanted his mittens on.  The teacher opened the car door. 

"Good morning Tate!  Come on out!  Oh you're putting on your gloves"

The other car pulled up behind us and its door opened.

I said "Tate, you have to get out now."

The teacher said "Tate you're going to have to put your mittens on out here."

My poor boy; he was no longer crying, but he had one lone tear that hadn't fallen off his cheek, and he was so sad.

He got that last mitten on, and headed out of the car.

In sadness.

I said goodbye more times than I can count trying to get him to say goodbye.

I wrenched myself around in the seat trying to see him around my seatbelt, through the half open back door and around the teacher to say "Bye!"

He looked back and said 'Bye.'

And walked onto the school grounds without the usual skip in his step.

All I could think as I drove away is please don't let some mad shooter come to my baby's school today and hurt my boy.

Because I could not survive if these were our last moments together.  I couldn't bear it.

Certainly I've left him at daycare when he was crying for me not to leave.  There were more times than I can count that he scampered off to play with nary a glance back at me as I left him. 

But now he's all grown up.

And we've come to that place in America where all the other parents are when they leave their children in a school.

Dreading that phone call.  Dreading the email.  Dreading the news.

I know some mornings are going to be hard.  I know that for many carpool drop-off is always rife with 'Get out the car NOW!'  "Get  your backpack!!!' 'No you cannot have oreos when you get home, now get out of the car!'

Our mornings simply aren't like that. 

Tomorrow morning won't be like that.

Doesn't mean this morning's drop-off didn't just suck.

So I'll drive home a bit faster tonight.  I'll rush home quicker tonight.  I'll jog up the steps with more pep.  We might talk about drop-off.  We might not.  We'll see how the evening goes.  I'll agonize and try to come up with other ways to facilitate the coat getting on, turning off the story and try some new strategies in the morning. 

Thank goodness I only have to do carpool pick-up once a week :)