Friday, April 29, 2011
I Am His Mother
As I lay in bed tonight with Tate going to sleep in my arms, sweet eyes closed, lashes feathered out on his cheeks, little lips suckling his pacifier, his legs pulled up under him as if he were a newborn, breathing that sweet baby breath, I was in awe. This is my baby. This is the life I created. He is of me, from me, for me. I am his mother. There are moments when I need reminding that I have done something spectacular. There are days when I'm so overwhelmed I need some silence to catch my breath. There are times when I'm so scared I need God's peace to reassure me that He is with me. After all, He's given me this amazing gift. He's not going to leave me alone anytime soon. This is my baby. This is the life I created. He is of me, from me, but most of all for me.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Baby Beach Bum!
Last Wednesday morning all three of us were in the car at 7:30am headed to Galveston for an overnight trip! I had asked Christian before he came what he most wanted to do while he was here, and he said he wanted to go to the beach. We had gone before just the two of us and had a wonderful day hanging out, and as he's visiting from a place with temps still in the 40s the beach was someplace he desperately wanted to be. Now this trip brought about alot of angst, tears, soul searching, yet love between Christian and I, but this post is about Tate for now and how very much of a great time he had!!
We stayed at a friend's beach house, and it's a gorgeous place complete with elevator!! We got all of our stuff into the house and it's unbelievable how much STUFF one has with a toddler! I lost count of how many trips we made up the stairs! And this was for one night. One night. Sadly, Christian was still feeling not so well :( We hung out for a bit, then he went for a walk along the beach and I took Tate down to the water. My intention was to walk along the beach as it was covered, absolutely covered, in seaweed. (about 3 feet deep up and down the entire coastline). No such luck with Tate in hand. As soon as he saw the waves cresting in the distance, he made a beeline for the water. Stepped right on through the seaweed, straight for the ocean. His giggles, laughs and cries of joy made my heart melt! He just stood in the sand loving the feel of the water as it circled his feet and tickled his legs. When the strength of the water pitched him into the sand he was thrilled. Christian joined us, and we just enjoyed watching Tate have a wonderful time. For once, neither of us took a picture; we just simply stayed in the moments with Tate and enjoyed him. Lunch and naptime followed for the boys. We then headed to downtown Galveston. We put Tate on Christian's back in my Beco Butterfly carrier and walked up and down the strand. Tate even fed a horse on the side of the road. As always, Tate was sure to point out all the cars and trucks going down the road.
We then ventured to the Rainforest Cafe for an early dinner. This was to be Tate's first time eating restaurant food. I've taken him out to eat several times, but I've always bought food from home for him due to his food allergies. This was huge for me. He found the restaurant with all its accouterments to be quite festive. Christian walked him around the restaurant to see all the animals and foliage. Tate did awesome...he ate his first french fries, not with gutso, but he ate a few. But he devoured his backed chicken breast!! As we sat there eating, he would throw his little arms around my neck and give me the most amazing hugs. I was in heaven. Such a sweet sweet boy.
That night, Christian and I talked for hours as that sweet boy slept upstairs.
Thursday morning, Tate and I were up at the crack of dawn per his usual. After some breakfast, Christian headed out for another walk while Tate and I played outside in the yard. All of a sudden Tate made a beeline for the water which was across the street and over the dunes! How did he remember it was there?? :) Bathing suits put back on and off to the water we went again!!
We made it home that afternoon and played outside for a while. Tate and I spent some time just the two of us. It was so very nice to get away. Though it's never really a vacation when you take a child with you especially a very young child, it was so nice to not be thinking of the 100 million things I could be doing in the evening instead of just sitting and being. And I thank Christian for the having the foresight to know how desperately I needed that.
We stayed at a friend's beach house, and it's a gorgeous place complete with elevator!! We got all of our stuff into the house and it's unbelievable how much STUFF one has with a toddler! I lost count of how many trips we made up the stairs! And this was for one night. One night. Sadly, Christian was still feeling not so well :( We hung out for a bit, then he went for a walk along the beach and I took Tate down to the water. My intention was to walk along the beach as it was covered, absolutely covered, in seaweed. (about 3 feet deep up and down the entire coastline). No such luck with Tate in hand. As soon as he saw the waves cresting in the distance, he made a beeline for the water. Stepped right on through the seaweed, straight for the ocean. His giggles, laughs and cries of joy made my heart melt! He just stood in the sand loving the feel of the water as it circled his feet and tickled his legs. When the strength of the water pitched him into the sand he was thrilled. Christian joined us, and we just enjoyed watching Tate have a wonderful time. For once, neither of us took a picture; we just simply stayed in the moments with Tate and enjoyed him. Lunch and naptime followed for the boys. We then headed to downtown Galveston. We put Tate on Christian's back in my Beco Butterfly carrier and walked up and down the strand. Tate even fed a horse on the side of the road. As always, Tate was sure to point out all the cars and trucks going down the road.
We then ventured to the Rainforest Cafe for an early dinner. This was to be Tate's first time eating restaurant food. I've taken him out to eat several times, but I've always bought food from home for him due to his food allergies. This was huge for me. He found the restaurant with all its accouterments to be quite festive. Christian walked him around the restaurant to see all the animals and foliage. Tate did awesome...he ate his first french fries, not with gutso, but he ate a few. But he devoured his backed chicken breast!! As we sat there eating, he would throw his little arms around my neck and give me the most amazing hugs. I was in heaven. Such a sweet sweet boy.
That night, Christian and I talked for hours as that sweet boy slept upstairs.
Thursday morning, Tate and I were up at the crack of dawn per his usual. After some breakfast, Christian headed out for another walk while Tate and I played outside in the yard. All of a sudden Tate made a beeline for the water which was across the street and over the dunes! How did he remember it was there?? :) Bathing suits put back on and off to the water we went again!!
We made it home that afternoon and played outside for a while. Tate and I spent some time just the two of us. It was so very nice to get away. Though it's never really a vacation when you take a child with you especially a very young child, it was so nice to not be thinking of the 100 million things I could be doing in the evening instead of just sitting and being. And I thank Christian for the having the foresight to know how desperately I needed that.
Who's on my list?
When you put your child in any sort of daycare or childcare situation you are asked to provide the names and other pertinent information of those you will allow to pick up your child in your stead. My list is probably longer than others as I need to have several choices being a single momma and all. My list consists of Tate's grandparents, my youngest sister, his godmother (one of my best friends) and my office manager.
Last Monday, I added to the list. I put Christian on the list. This was a huge step for me. I was allowing him to pick up this child of mine who he has given up all rights to. This child who is my entire world. No matter how much I love and trust Christian, there is that little part of my heart that worried. After all Christian is from another country, one I couldn't get to easily. And I know I needn't worry. I know this. I know this. Why is trust so hard?
Both Monday and Tuesday Christian picked Tate up from his little school. I know he loved when Tate ran to him the minute he saw Christian and put those little arms around his neck. When I came into the waiting room at my office to get them, he was beaming with pride as he watched Tate play with the toys and when he showed me how much Tate loves riding in the elevator. And I had wanted him to have some time alone with Tate; I really did. I chose Christian to do this for me because I knew he is a good man. And he would be an amazing co-parent or whatever we decided his role would be. I know this today. He is a good man.
But to be on this list. That was huge for me. And I'm so glad he's on it. And, I'm going to leave him on the list.
Last Monday, I added to the list. I put Christian on the list. This was a huge step for me. I was allowing him to pick up this child of mine who he has given up all rights to. This child who is my entire world. No matter how much I love and trust Christian, there is that little part of my heart that worried. After all Christian is from another country, one I couldn't get to easily. And I know I needn't worry. I know this. I know this. Why is trust so hard?
Both Monday and Tuesday Christian picked Tate up from his little school. I know he loved when Tate ran to him the minute he saw Christian and put those little arms around his neck. When I came into the waiting room at my office to get them, he was beaming with pride as he watched Tate play with the toys and when he showed me how much Tate loves riding in the elevator. And I had wanted him to have some time alone with Tate; I really did. I chose Christian to do this for me because I knew he is a good man. And he would be an amazing co-parent or whatever we decided his role would be. I know this today. He is a good man.
But to be on this list. That was huge for me. And I'm so glad he's on it. And, I'm going to leave him on the list.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
First Weekend with Christian
What an amazing week we had with Christian!! However, it was an emotionally charged one fraught with tears, conversation, frustration, hopes, desires, anger, joy and love. One I need to process a bit more in my heart and mind before I blog about it. One thing we know for sure...Tate is the most important person amidst all of this. Therefore, we wanted to be sure he had a wonderful time during Christian's visit. And a great time was had by all 3 of us.
Thursday, the 14th I picked Christian up at the airport alone. Tate was napping at daycare at his arrival time; this allowed Christian and I to have some time alone to see each other again for the first time since the end of November last year. We went to The Counter, so Christian could have a fantabulous American hamburger as soon as humanly possible. It was my first visit there as well, and O.M.G. the burgers were out of this world yummy! And the sweet potato fries...DELISH!!
We picked Tate up from school, and I could tell Christian was nervous and beyond excited. He was playing in the hallway as they had just come back in from being outside. He looked up at me and went back to climbing on the indoor slide!! We finally got him to leave with us and we took him to a local park/playground on the way home. As we watched him play and climb I asked Christian if he felt any sort of connection to Tate at this point (remembering that the last time he was here, Tate was so much more of a baby than the incredibly active, independent toddler he is today; also he is looking more and more like me these days as his coloring is changing to be much more tan). Christian looked down and said 'no, not really.' I was a little saddened as I could tell he was. But he played with Tate, helped him down the slide multiple times, cheered him on and clapped with him! They had a great great time. As we were walking back to the car I was holding Tate who indicated almost immediately he wanted to get down. I set him down to continue walking. He walked straight over to Christian, put his arms up and said 'Up!' Pure joy for Christian.
Tate had an appointment with the pediatrician on Friday morning. Initially the appointment was for a concern I have from his circumcision, but obviously we followed up from our ER visit 3 days prior with our new diagnosis of another staph infection. The ped gave me some hints to help prevent them from recurring, but apparently once he starts getting them he's more prone to them. I have to keep any and all wounds covered with antibiotics and try bathing him in an antibacterial wash. This proves to be difficult as Tate has incredibly sensitive skin and eczema. Anti-bacterial soaps are extremely drying. Nothing is ever easy is it? After both guys took naps we played outside in Tate's water table and ran around with his trucks!
Saturday morning, we took Tate to Gymboree for his first play and learn class. It's always so awkward when Christian and I take Tate to things like this. People obviously assume we are together, married and/or parenting together. I'm always uncomfortable wanting to make our 'boundaries' obvious, but not wanting Christian to feel left out, yet I'm hyper aware that I'm a single mother and it's hard to share Tate with someone else in any setting let alone one out in public when after this week it will just be the two of us. This is so very hard. Christian can't figure out 'his place' and I don't know what his place is. But the important thing is Tate had a blast running around, doing the activities and his favorite favorite thing...playing with the bubbles. He had just a great time. I signed us up for the class for the next month. We ventured to the park after class then naps for both boys again (Jet lag had a stronghold on Christian and he was actually quite ill). We went to visit my best friend and her family after naptime. Tate had a great time with her 7 and 5 year old. They love when Baby Tate comes to visit and relished in sharing their toys with him. I of course ended up in the playroom with the 3 kiddos since I can't leave Tate alone with the toys. This is why mothers crave adult conversation...even when adults are available you don't get to participate.
Sunday, we lounged about the house. Poor Christian was still feeling badly. We went grocery shopping first thing in the morning, then he napped a bit, while I hung out with Tate. More naps by the boys then we headed out to the zoo. We had a great time!! The weather was perfect!! We went to the new African Forest Exhibit, Tate and I rode the carousel and he loved the lions and giraffes!!
So, our weekend was really, really a fun time for Tate. So much of me was so glad he was able to spend some quality time with Christian. Christian helped me bathe him each night and get him into bed. I still have a hard time letting go of my fears regarding Tate, Christian and everyone's place in each other's lives, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christian loves this little boy. And Tate loves him in his own toddler way. Always foremost in my mind...what is best for Tate.
Our week to be continued...
Thursday, the 14th I picked Christian up at the airport alone. Tate was napping at daycare at his arrival time; this allowed Christian and I to have some time alone to see each other again for the first time since the end of November last year. We went to The Counter, so Christian could have a fantabulous American hamburger as soon as humanly possible. It was my first visit there as well, and O.M.G. the burgers were out of this world yummy! And the sweet potato fries...DELISH!!
We picked Tate up from school, and I could tell Christian was nervous and beyond excited. He was playing in the hallway as they had just come back in from being outside. He looked up at me and went back to climbing on the indoor slide!! We finally got him to leave with us and we took him to a local park/playground on the way home. As we watched him play and climb I asked Christian if he felt any sort of connection to Tate at this point (remembering that the last time he was here, Tate was so much more of a baby than the incredibly active, independent toddler he is today; also he is looking more and more like me these days as his coloring is changing to be much more tan). Christian looked down and said 'no, not really.' I was a little saddened as I could tell he was. But he played with Tate, helped him down the slide multiple times, cheered him on and clapped with him! They had a great great time. As we were walking back to the car I was holding Tate who indicated almost immediately he wanted to get down. I set him down to continue walking. He walked straight over to Christian, put his arms up and said 'Up!' Pure joy for Christian.
Tate had an appointment with the pediatrician on Friday morning. Initially the appointment was for a concern I have from his circumcision, but obviously we followed up from our ER visit 3 days prior with our new diagnosis of another staph infection. The ped gave me some hints to help prevent them from recurring, but apparently once he starts getting them he's more prone to them. I have to keep any and all wounds covered with antibiotics and try bathing him in an antibacterial wash. This proves to be difficult as Tate has incredibly sensitive skin and eczema. Anti-bacterial soaps are extremely drying. Nothing is ever easy is it? After both guys took naps we played outside in Tate's water table and ran around with his trucks!
Saturday morning, we took Tate to Gymboree for his first play and learn class. It's always so awkward when Christian and I take Tate to things like this. People obviously assume we are together, married and/or parenting together. I'm always uncomfortable wanting to make our 'boundaries' obvious, but not wanting Christian to feel left out, yet I'm hyper aware that I'm a single mother and it's hard to share Tate with someone else in any setting let alone one out in public when after this week it will just be the two of us. This is so very hard. Christian can't figure out 'his place' and I don't know what his place is. But the important thing is Tate had a blast running around, doing the activities and his favorite favorite thing...playing with the bubbles. He had just a great time. I signed us up for the class for the next month. We ventured to the park after class then naps for both boys again (Jet lag had a stronghold on Christian and he was actually quite ill). We went to visit my best friend and her family after naptime. Tate had a great time with her 7 and 5 year old. They love when Baby Tate comes to visit and relished in sharing their toys with him. I of course ended up in the playroom with the 3 kiddos since I can't leave Tate alone with the toys. This is why mothers crave adult conversation...even when adults are available you don't get to participate.
Sunday, we lounged about the house. Poor Christian was still feeling badly. We went grocery shopping first thing in the morning, then he napped a bit, while I hung out with Tate. More naps by the boys then we headed out to the zoo. We had a great time!! The weather was perfect!! We went to the new African Forest Exhibit, Tate and I rode the carousel and he loved the lions and giraffes!!
So, our weekend was really, really a fun time for Tate. So much of me was so glad he was able to spend some quality time with Christian. Christian helped me bathe him each night and get him into bed. I still have a hard time letting go of my fears regarding Tate, Christian and everyone's place in each other's lives, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Christian loves this little boy. And Tate loves him in his own toddler way. Always foremost in my mind...what is best for Tate.
Our week to be continued...
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| Saying hi to Christian!! |
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| Loving the carousel! |
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| Christian in love with Baby Tate |
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| Hanging onto my sweet sweet boy! |
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Mommy Radar
Yes, there is definitely such a thing as mommy radar. I now firmly and completely believe this.
Last night, once I had Tate home from daycare and he was playing I noticed a red swelling/bump on his left temple. My initial thought was he must have fallen at daycare, but it was so big I was very surprised I had not been told and given an incident report when I picked him up. I was a little concerned I was not told mostly as I wondered had noone noticed him crying as it was big enough that it had to have hurt if he had indeed hit his head. With that same thinking I thought he must not have hit his head for those same reasons...I would have been told as it would have really hurt.
So, I was concerned. I wondered what was wrong with my little boy. What on earth was causing this swelling? It didn't seem to bother him in the least, but it was so obvious, so red.
As I rocked him after we read books at bedtime he was doing a 'weird' thing with his eyes. He would squint really quickly as if in a grimace every couple of minutes, otherwise he was just fine. But that unnerved me as he had never done that before. As I put him in the crib I decided I would check on him personally (as opposed to just checking the video monitor) alot more often last night. I even thought to myself if I see blood coming out of his mouth, or he vomits we know we have a problem. He was asleep at 7:10pm.
I was uneasy.
At 9:21pm he woke up screaming. I immediately ran upstairs to replace his pacifier and make sure his loveys were within reach. He would have nothing to do with them. He was inconsolable. Screaming, arching his back, trying to throw a good tantrum in my arms. I tried the pacifier multiple times to no avail. I tried holding him tightly, I tried talking extremely loudly to snap him out of it (maybe it was a night terror I thought, and I felt bad for intervening as I've heard they need to work those out themselves to an extent since they have no idea where they are initially). Nothing was working. Finally, I gave him a dose of ibuprofen as I thought maybe he really did bump his head and now it hurts. Oddly enough I had considered giving him the ibuprofen at bedtime, but since he wasn't complaining I didn't want to medicate unnecessarily. Once I got the dropper in, I gave him his pacifier and hippo and he calmed a great deal; it had been a good 20 minutes. I climbed into my bed with him and he finally drifted back off to sleep at 10:14pm.
I was uneasy.
He woke again at 2:21am. No screaming and thrashing about this time. He was restless, very restless. He tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. It was about 2:50am before he calmed down and went back to sleep.
I was uneasy.
5:24am. I'm awakened by my baby screaming, thrashing, kicking me. Hysterical. Mad. Angry. All over the place. I offered his lovey and pacifier multiple times to have them thrown back at me. I thought his overnight wetness was bothering him. I got his diaper off with much drama. Putting another one on was a disaster. Kicking, screaming, thrashing about, turning over. Hysterics. I tried holding him. I tried getting in his face firmly and loudly telling he was going to be ok. I was at the end of my rope. I yelled. Yes, I yelled 'Stop it.' Not my finest moment, but I had no idea what else to do. I even considered calling my wonderful neighbor, KE and asking her to come over and hold him down while I got him changed. That's how desperate I was. It was 5:50 in the morning, and I had my phone in hand to call her to come help me. I decided something was horribly wrong. His temple was still swollen, and this WAS NOT my child's normal morning behavior. Was this a tumor? Did he fall so hard yesterday that he has permanent brain damage? Was he blind now from this fall and now freaked out? (I waved stuff in front of his face to gauge his reaction, and he followed the items). I got dressed, packed a bag full of baby necessities, fed the cat (very proud of myself for thinking of poor Vinnie!! I had no idea how long we would be at the ER). Grabbed several pacifiers, both loveys and my precious Tate. Once in the car he calmed down as we were driving. It was 6:10am. The crying jag, fit, hysterics had gone on for 46 minutes with no reprieve.
I was beyond uneasy.
I opted to take him to the emergency clinic down the road as opposed to the world-renowned Texas Children's Hospital, as I knew we would wait for quite some time at TCH. As always I'm worried to pieces about missing work, and how much of a bind that puts everyone in. That is one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching parts of being an SMC, and being an SMC who is a pediatric dentist. I truly have people 100% depending on me. If I'm not there my job can't get done usually, or having RC (my boss, another pedi dentist) fill in for me throws the schedule off in ways I cannot articulate. So, I'm worried sick about my son, and worried sick I'm going to lose my job. If I lose my job, I can't take care of my precious boy.
To make matters more complicated, my pediatrician doesn't open until 9:00am. Tate was hysterical, and something was dreadfully wrong. I couldn't wait until 9:00am to call for an appointment, not knowing what time they could see us. This needed addressing right now. So we were off the ER clinic.
I was almost hysterical myself. As I buckled him into his carseat and his behavior had calmed a bit though he was still crying, I almost started crying myself. This little boy with his big beautiful hazel eyes full of unshed tears looked at me with such trust and confusion my heart broke. As always, it was him and me...always him and me. Alone, facing the world.
I was so scared.
At the ER they took us right back. It was obvious we woke the poor overnight ER doc up (there were sheet marks on his face! LOL). But he was very nice. Tate was so much happier once we walked in those doors. Did he know he was going to be taken care of and that his pain would be gone soon? The physician palpated his forehead extremely well and did a visual exam. Diagnosis?
Staph infection.
I was so frustrated and relieved.
Frustrated because this is our second one. Why does he continue to get them? Relieved to know I wasn't a crazy first time mom. For a while there last night before his hysterics this morning I had decided to take him to daycare this morning even with the bump on his head. Had he not been so out of control this morning I would have and this would have gone untreated for at least 7-10 more hours. The doctors was kind enough to tell me it was a very good thing I brought him as soon as I did as it needed treatnent asap.
I was so sad for my baby.
So staph infection again. Really, they think it's MRSA. It's being treated like MRSA. We're on oral Bactrim which is the first line of defense against MRSA. It's highly contagious, so I had to call my mother and ask her to watch little Tate yet again. She is amazing. I don't know what I would do without her. And Tate absolutely adores her. They have a great time together.
2 doses in him so far. The swelling has dissipated a little bit. If his eye gets swollen we have to return to the clinic most likely for admission to the hospital for IV antibiotics. But God is good; Tate is going to heal sooner than later.
I am calm. I'm still scared, and unsure of why this is happening. We'll be having a conversation with our pediatrician on Friday. So glad I already had this appointment scheduled weeks ago.
Tonight, I am tired, restless, awake and relieved. Tate's asleep up in our room. My mommy is downstairs waiting for dawn to stay with my precious baby.
I knew something was wrong. I knew it last night. I knew it when I picked him up from daycare. I knew it when I put him to sleep at 7:10. I knew it at 9:21pm. I knew it when I was kicked at 2:30 in the morning. And I knew it at 5:24am.
Trust. I need to learn to trust myself, my instincts and my feelings. I am more connected to Tate than any other person on this planet. After having in my body for 9 months I know him. And we've been together 20 1/2 months. I know him.
I love him.
Mommy Radar.
I am beyond happy to be a mommy so I have radar to turn on.
Last night, once I had Tate home from daycare and he was playing I noticed a red swelling/bump on his left temple. My initial thought was he must have fallen at daycare, but it was so big I was very surprised I had not been told and given an incident report when I picked him up. I was a little concerned I was not told mostly as I wondered had noone noticed him crying as it was big enough that it had to have hurt if he had indeed hit his head. With that same thinking I thought he must not have hit his head for those same reasons...I would have been told as it would have really hurt.
So, I was concerned. I wondered what was wrong with my little boy. What on earth was causing this swelling? It didn't seem to bother him in the least, but it was so obvious, so red.
As I rocked him after we read books at bedtime he was doing a 'weird' thing with his eyes. He would squint really quickly as if in a grimace every couple of minutes, otherwise he was just fine. But that unnerved me as he had never done that before. As I put him in the crib I decided I would check on him personally (as opposed to just checking the video monitor) alot more often last night. I even thought to myself if I see blood coming out of his mouth, or he vomits we know we have a problem. He was asleep at 7:10pm.
I was uneasy.
At 9:21pm he woke up screaming. I immediately ran upstairs to replace his pacifier and make sure his loveys were within reach. He would have nothing to do with them. He was inconsolable. Screaming, arching his back, trying to throw a good tantrum in my arms. I tried the pacifier multiple times to no avail. I tried holding him tightly, I tried talking extremely loudly to snap him out of it (maybe it was a night terror I thought, and I felt bad for intervening as I've heard they need to work those out themselves to an extent since they have no idea where they are initially). Nothing was working. Finally, I gave him a dose of ibuprofen as I thought maybe he really did bump his head and now it hurts. Oddly enough I had considered giving him the ibuprofen at bedtime, but since he wasn't complaining I didn't want to medicate unnecessarily. Once I got the dropper in, I gave him his pacifier and hippo and he calmed a great deal; it had been a good 20 minutes. I climbed into my bed with him and he finally drifted back off to sleep at 10:14pm.
I was uneasy.
He woke again at 2:21am. No screaming and thrashing about this time. He was restless, very restless. He tossed and turned for what seemed like hours. It was about 2:50am before he calmed down and went back to sleep.
I was uneasy.
5:24am. I'm awakened by my baby screaming, thrashing, kicking me. Hysterical. Mad. Angry. All over the place. I offered his lovey and pacifier multiple times to have them thrown back at me. I thought his overnight wetness was bothering him. I got his diaper off with much drama. Putting another one on was a disaster. Kicking, screaming, thrashing about, turning over. Hysterics. I tried holding him. I tried getting in his face firmly and loudly telling he was going to be ok. I was at the end of my rope. I yelled. Yes, I yelled 'Stop it.' Not my finest moment, but I had no idea what else to do. I even considered calling my wonderful neighbor, KE and asking her to come over and hold him down while I got him changed. That's how desperate I was. It was 5:50 in the morning, and I had my phone in hand to call her to come help me. I decided something was horribly wrong. His temple was still swollen, and this WAS NOT my child's normal morning behavior. Was this a tumor? Did he fall so hard yesterday that he has permanent brain damage? Was he blind now from this fall and now freaked out? (I waved stuff in front of his face to gauge his reaction, and he followed the items). I got dressed, packed a bag full of baby necessities, fed the cat (very proud of myself for thinking of poor Vinnie!! I had no idea how long we would be at the ER). Grabbed several pacifiers, both loveys and my precious Tate. Once in the car he calmed down as we were driving. It was 6:10am. The crying jag, fit, hysterics had gone on for 46 minutes with no reprieve.
I was beyond uneasy.
I opted to take him to the emergency clinic down the road as opposed to the world-renowned Texas Children's Hospital, as I knew we would wait for quite some time at TCH. As always I'm worried to pieces about missing work, and how much of a bind that puts everyone in. That is one of the most difficult and heart-wrenching parts of being an SMC, and being an SMC who is a pediatric dentist. I truly have people 100% depending on me. If I'm not there my job can't get done usually, or having RC (my boss, another pedi dentist) fill in for me throws the schedule off in ways I cannot articulate. So, I'm worried sick about my son, and worried sick I'm going to lose my job. If I lose my job, I can't take care of my precious boy.
To make matters more complicated, my pediatrician doesn't open until 9:00am. Tate was hysterical, and something was dreadfully wrong. I couldn't wait until 9:00am to call for an appointment, not knowing what time they could see us. This needed addressing right now. So we were off the ER clinic.
I was almost hysterical myself. As I buckled him into his carseat and his behavior had calmed a bit though he was still crying, I almost started crying myself. This little boy with his big beautiful hazel eyes full of unshed tears looked at me with such trust and confusion my heart broke. As always, it was him and me...always him and me. Alone, facing the world.
I was so scared.
At the ER they took us right back. It was obvious we woke the poor overnight ER doc up (there were sheet marks on his face! LOL). But he was very nice. Tate was so much happier once we walked in those doors. Did he know he was going to be taken care of and that his pain would be gone soon? The physician palpated his forehead extremely well and did a visual exam. Diagnosis?
Staph infection.
I was so frustrated and relieved.
Frustrated because this is our second one. Why does he continue to get them? Relieved to know I wasn't a crazy first time mom. For a while there last night before his hysterics this morning I had decided to take him to daycare this morning even with the bump on his head. Had he not been so out of control this morning I would have and this would have gone untreated for at least 7-10 more hours. The doctors was kind enough to tell me it was a very good thing I brought him as soon as I did as it needed treatnent asap.
I was so sad for my baby.
So staph infection again. Really, they think it's MRSA. It's being treated like MRSA. We're on oral Bactrim which is the first line of defense against MRSA. It's highly contagious, so I had to call my mother and ask her to watch little Tate yet again. She is amazing. I don't know what I would do without her. And Tate absolutely adores her. They have a great time together.
2 doses in him so far. The swelling has dissipated a little bit. If his eye gets swollen we have to return to the clinic most likely for admission to the hospital for IV antibiotics. But God is good; Tate is going to heal sooner than later.
I am calm. I'm still scared, and unsure of why this is happening. We'll be having a conversation with our pediatrician on Friday. So glad I already had this appointment scheduled weeks ago.
Tonight, I am tired, restless, awake and relieved. Tate's asleep up in our room. My mommy is downstairs waiting for dawn to stay with my precious baby.
I knew something was wrong. I knew it last night. I knew it when I picked him up from daycare. I knew it when I put him to sleep at 7:10. I knew it at 9:21pm. I knew it when I was kicked at 2:30 in the morning. And I knew it at 5:24am.
Trust. I need to learn to trust myself, my instincts and my feelings. I am more connected to Tate than any other person on this planet. After having in my body for 9 months I know him. And we've been together 20 1/2 months. I know him.
I love him.
Mommy Radar.
I am beyond happy to be a mommy so I have radar to turn on.
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| See the swelling on his left temple. That's the staph infection. The 'pimple' or 'scratch' that started it all isn't visible in the picture. |
Monday, April 11, 2011
Guess Who's Coming to Visit?
So, my known donor is coming for a visit from Berlin, Germany on Thursday. At this point, Christian is so much more than my known donor. We talk about our 'relationship' and how it has evolved over the past 31 months. Someday, I'll go into the amazing way we met (in Cairns, Australia) and how he offered to donate for me and my decision to take him up on it.
Suffice it to say, he donated, signed away his parental rights completely and is still very present in my life and Tate's by extension. Initially, I was completely about Tate having minimal contact with him, but knowing how he was conceived. I worried constantly about having Christian in my life and how that could jeopardize my custody rights. Every visit I was on pins and needles not wanting to share Tate, but doing so because this is so not about me and my feelings, but what is best for my son. I have come to realize through much prayer and reflection that the more people who love my baby the better off he is. My fears are valid, but I have to be strong enough to do what's right for my son.
And once I let go of most of that fear (not all of it; I would be remiss is I didn't protect myself, my rights and my child), my relationship with Christian blossomed. It does help quite a bit that he lives in another country whose beliefs, values and simply way of life is so different from mine as an American. He completely respects my boundaries and my role as Tate's parent. He doesn't give advice, he doesn't offer alternate ways for me to do things in regard to Tate, he doesn't interfere in any way, shape or form with my raising of Tate.
This will be his 5th visit to see Tate. He was here for his birth, his baptism, brought his parents last spring to meet Tate, Thanksgiving 2010 and now this visit. It's always uncomfortable at first. Partly uncomfortable when you haven't seen someone for months, and partly because he is so unsure of his place in Tate's life. As am I.
Therein lies our problem. And it's not a problem so much as much as it something that we definitely need to sort out now, and we intend to take these 10 days together to do so. When we started on this journey together, we envisioned my raising Tate with Christian seeing him every once in a great while. I would send pictures and updates. But Christian has become one of the most important people in my life. I can't imagine my life without him. And I know he feels the same way about me. Part of this connection is the emotional and spiritual support we give one another, and as long as we are both single I believe this will remain strong and/or get stronger. If either of us meets a man we both realize things could change markedly. And I don't know how I feel about that in either one of our cases. But Tate is almost 2 (gosh it hurts my heart to say my baby is almost 2). He's going to start figuring out family dynamics and family make-ups. He's going to wonder where his daddy is. Do we call Christian Daddy? Is he Uncle Christian? How will this work? Prior to this evolvement of our friendship he would have simply been Christian. Heck, in my will Tate doesn't go to Christian if something were to happen to me, and every single person close to me in my life has been made well aware of that fact. Very. Complicated.
But you know what? This complication makes me almost smile. I have so much love in my life, and I should feel blessed that things have moved into this direction offering me a man who is so dear to me and who loves my child. With love and compassion like this, Tate and I can only benefit. It's going to be hard and complicated and weird and strange, but it'll be allright. God brought this beautiful baby into my life in the most unconventional ways of conception. He has a plan. I need to sit back and let Him show me the way. As long as I keep my love for Tate and God in the forefront, I can't go wrong. We'll find our footing. Tate will be happy. That's all that really matters.
Suffice it to say, he donated, signed away his parental rights completely and is still very present in my life and Tate's by extension. Initially, I was completely about Tate having minimal contact with him, but knowing how he was conceived. I worried constantly about having Christian in my life and how that could jeopardize my custody rights. Every visit I was on pins and needles not wanting to share Tate, but doing so because this is so not about me and my feelings, but what is best for my son. I have come to realize through much prayer and reflection that the more people who love my baby the better off he is. My fears are valid, but I have to be strong enough to do what's right for my son.
And once I let go of most of that fear (not all of it; I would be remiss is I didn't protect myself, my rights and my child), my relationship with Christian blossomed. It does help quite a bit that he lives in another country whose beliefs, values and simply way of life is so different from mine as an American. He completely respects my boundaries and my role as Tate's parent. He doesn't give advice, he doesn't offer alternate ways for me to do things in regard to Tate, he doesn't interfere in any way, shape or form with my raising of Tate.
This will be his 5th visit to see Tate. He was here for his birth, his baptism, brought his parents last spring to meet Tate, Thanksgiving 2010 and now this visit. It's always uncomfortable at first. Partly uncomfortable when you haven't seen someone for months, and partly because he is so unsure of his place in Tate's life. As am I.
Therein lies our problem. And it's not a problem so much as much as it something that we definitely need to sort out now, and we intend to take these 10 days together to do so. When we started on this journey together, we envisioned my raising Tate with Christian seeing him every once in a great while. I would send pictures and updates. But Christian has become one of the most important people in my life. I can't imagine my life without him. And I know he feels the same way about me. Part of this connection is the emotional and spiritual support we give one another, and as long as we are both single I believe this will remain strong and/or get stronger. If either of us meets a man we both realize things could change markedly. And I don't know how I feel about that in either one of our cases. But Tate is almost 2 (gosh it hurts my heart to say my baby is almost 2). He's going to start figuring out family dynamics and family make-ups. He's going to wonder where his daddy is. Do we call Christian Daddy? Is he Uncle Christian? How will this work? Prior to this evolvement of our friendship he would have simply been Christian. Heck, in my will Tate doesn't go to Christian if something were to happen to me, and every single person close to me in my life has been made well aware of that fact. Very. Complicated.
But you know what? This complication makes me almost smile. I have so much love in my life, and I should feel blessed that things have moved into this direction offering me a man who is so dear to me and who loves my child. With love and compassion like this, Tate and I can only benefit. It's going to be hard and complicated and weird and strange, but it'll be allright. God brought this beautiful baby into my life in the most unconventional ways of conception. He has a plan. I need to sit back and let Him show me the way. As long as I keep my love for Tate and God in the forefront, I can't go wrong. We'll find our footing. Tate will be happy. That's all that really matters.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Our Tribe
Nine years ago this January, I walked a half-marathon in Bermuda. In August of 2001 I signed up with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to raise money for their cause by participating in a marathon. I would like to say my reasons for joining were completely altruistic, but alas that is not the case. I had decided I needed to spread my wings and go beyond my comfort zone in an attempt to meet some men. I thought being part of a training group would afford me that opportunity; having to raise money for a wonderful cause, having the opportunity to train with professionals and lose some weight hopefully were to be all fabulous benefits.
Well, I didn't meet the man of my dreams, but I made the friends of a lifetime. Our group from Houston consisted of about 25 participants, half men/half women...all mostly runners. That's where I met Kristen! Once we returned to Houston, we all went our separate ways. I don't remember how or why, but she invited me over to her place to hang out one afternoon and that's when I met the female portion of the tribe. And the rest is history. We come all different places, all different religions, all different political backgrounds, but we come together. We've gotten married, had children, struggled to have children and realized we can't, lost parents and loved ones. We've laughed and cried. We've moved away from each other and just down the street from each other. We've come out and we've become single mothers. We are an urban tribe. Don't mess with one of us...you'll get all of us after you. Don't hurt one of us...we swoop like the plague. We let others in and enjoy their company, but at the end of the day, it's still us. Take today for example. Bryan threw a crawfish boil as Ely was in town from Colorado where she moved 4 years ago when she married the Brit! After 3 hours of immeasurable fun with the kids running amok (5 years ago there were no children and we ran amok in the pool ... sometimes clothing optional!), the others had left and it was just the tribe. Love.
Tonight, as Tate sleeps the sleep of the exhausted child, I'm so happy. Tired, but happy. We are loved. We love. We are not a mom and baby family. We are a tribal family. Where the wind blows us next we won't know, but we'll always come back to our roots. Friendship...there is nothing like it.
Well, I didn't meet the man of my dreams, but I made the friends of a lifetime. Our group from Houston consisted of about 25 participants, half men/half women...all mostly runners. That's where I met Kristen! Once we returned to Houston, we all went our separate ways. I don't remember how or why, but she invited me over to her place to hang out one afternoon and that's when I met the female portion of the tribe. And the rest is history. We come all different places, all different religions, all different political backgrounds, but we come together. We've gotten married, had children, struggled to have children and realized we can't, lost parents and loved ones. We've laughed and cried. We've moved away from each other and just down the street from each other. We've come out and we've become single mothers. We are an urban tribe. Don't mess with one of us...you'll get all of us after you. Don't hurt one of us...we swoop like the plague. We let others in and enjoy their company, but at the end of the day, it's still us. Take today for example. Bryan threw a crawfish boil as Ely was in town from Colorado where she moved 4 years ago when she married the Brit! After 3 hours of immeasurable fun with the kids running amok (5 years ago there were no children and we ran amok in the pool ... sometimes clothing optional!), the others had left and it was just the tribe. Love.
Tonight, as Tate sleeps the sleep of the exhausted child, I'm so happy. Tired, but happy. We are loved. We love. We are not a mom and baby family. We are a tribal family. Where the wind blows us next we won't know, but we'll always come back to our roots. Friendship...there is nothing like it.
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| What a gorgeous day! |
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| This is my new favorite picture of Tate. He had an ABSOLUTE BALL!! He thought just hanging out splashing with the big kids was the best thing ever!! He loves, loves, loves the pool!!! |
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| Yum-O! |
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| And the kids enjoy hot dog buns. |
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| Such joy! |
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| :) |
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| Tate was just dying to get in the pool! |
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| I looked up and saw this...some of the best friends a girl could ask for. |
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