Guess Who's Coming to Visit?

So, my known donor is coming for a visit from Berlin, Germany on Thursday.  At this point, Christian is so much more than my known donor.  We talk about our 'relationship' and how it has evolved over the past  31 months.  Someday, I'll go into the amazing way we met (in Cairns, Australia) and how he offered to donate for me and my decision to take him up on it.


Suffice it to say, he donated, signed away his parental rights completely and is still very present in my life and Tate's by extension.  Initially, I was completely about Tate having minimal contact with him, but knowing how he was conceived.  I worried constantly about having Christian in my life and how that could jeopardize my custody rights.  Every visit I was on pins and needles not wanting to share Tate, but doing so because this is so not about me and my feelings, but what is best for my son.  I have come to realize through much prayer and reflection that the more people who love my baby the better off he is.  My fears are valid, but I have to be strong enough to do what's right for my son.


And once I let go of most of that fear (not all of it;  I would be remiss is I didn't protect myself, my rights and my child), my relationship with Christian blossomed.  It does help quite a bit that he lives in another country whose beliefs, values and simply way of life is so different from mine as an American.  He completely respects my boundaries and my role as Tate's parent.  He doesn't give advice, he doesn't offer alternate ways for me to do things in regard to Tate,  he doesn't interfere in any way, shape or form with my raising of Tate.  


This will be his 5th visit to see Tate.  He was here for his birth, his baptism, brought his parents last spring to meet Tate, Thanksgiving 2010 and now this visit.  It's always uncomfortable at first.  Partly uncomfortable when you haven't seen someone for months, and partly because he is so unsure of his place in Tate's life.  As am I.


Therein lies our problem.  And it's not a problem so much as much as it something that we definitely need to sort out now, and we intend to take these 10 days together to do so.  When we started on this journey together, we envisioned my raising Tate with Christian seeing him every once in a great while.  I would send pictures and updates.  But Christian has become one of the most important people in my life.  I can't imagine my life without him.  And I know he feels the same way about me.  Part of this connection is the emotional and spiritual support we give one another, and as long as we are both single I believe this will remain strong and/or get stronger.   If either of us meets a man we both realize things could change markedly.  And I don't know how I feel about that in either one of our cases.  But Tate is almost 2 (gosh it hurts my heart to say my baby is almost 2).  He's going to start figuring out family dynamics and family make-ups.  He's going to wonder where his daddy is.  Do we call Christian Daddy?  Is he Uncle Christian?  How will this work?  Prior to this evolvement of our friendship he would have simply been Christian.  Heck, in my will Tate doesn't go to Christian if something were to happen to me, and every single person close to me in my life has been made well aware of that fact.  Very. Complicated.


But you know what?  This complication makes me almost smile.  I have so much love in my life, and I should feel blessed that things have moved into this direction offering me a man who is so dear to me and who loves my child.  With love and compassion like this, Tate and I can only benefit.  It's going to be hard and complicated and weird and strange, but it'll be allright.  God brought this beautiful baby into my life in the most unconventional ways of conception.  He has a plan.  I need to sit back and let Him show me the way.  As long as I keep my love for Tate and God in the forefront, I can't go wrong.   We'll find our footing.  Tate will be happy.   That's all that really matters.