What a week

 Valentine's Day was Monday.  Tate's little school had a Valentine's party.  Tate took a red rose for each of the ladies who take care of him. (his regular teacher arrives at 8a and leaves at 4p so he is taken care of by other teachers until she gets there as I drop him off at 740a)  They had a special lunch, however Tate had his own lunch since I can't be sure there are no eggs in the school provided lunch.  And being Mr. Allergic I am really cautious about him having new foods that I haven't prepared.  But according to his teacher he had a great time.  We came home after school and read the books I bought him for Valentine's and had a great night together.  I couldn't ask for a better Valentine than my little guy.

 Today at school they had pony rides for the kids with a photographer.  Apparently, Tate had a fabulous time!!  He rode the ponies with no problems and just loved it!!  I'm so proud of my little guy.  My heart is a little sad though that I didn't get to see him on the ponies in person.  I so hate that I miss so much of his life.  He has a whole day full of festive events, favorite stories and toys, friends he plays with and someone else to wipe his tears.  It's so hard to be away from him.

In addition to all of his fun activities at school, his sign language has really taken off!!  He signs coat, hat, thank you, brush teeth (which he even does now a bit...I do make him let me have a go at the toothies each time).  He also says hat, said giraffe when I pointed to it.   When I sneezed the other day he popped his pacifier out of his mouth and said 'bless you!'  He has a little game called 'Peek-a-Boo Barn that he loves playing on my computer.  He has the best new laugh;  he loves to be tickled; loves his Music Together Sticks CD, LOVES cars and saying the word car.  Just so many amazing and new things happening every day.


Tate and Me...our little family.  Family.  Immediate and extended.  Our family here in Houston is small...just my parents, sisters and me.  Everyone else is on the east coast.    And this week my mother has joined her siblings on New York City as my uncle, her only brother, was dying.  It was a quick onset.  He complained of a swollen stomach about a month ago and moderate to severe pain.  He was admitted to the hospital 2 weeks ago.  Cancer has overtaken his body and he had 4-6 months to live.  Three days later they gave him mere days to live.  My mother had to get there from Houston.  He held on for his sweet sister;  his other 2 sisters were already with him (one lives in NYC, the other in Virginia).  He passed last night surrounded by them at 12:12AM.


Tate and I will be unable to make it for the services.  And therein lies the problem with being so far from your extended family.  During time of crises AND happiness we can't be there.  There will be no 'good-byes' for us here in Texas.  Tate has minimal family here;  my middle sister has one child (and a 16 year old stepson) and my youngest sister has no kids.  As we've been separated like this for 35 years, extended family is not as important to me as it should be.  I don't even think I would recognize half of my cousins on a busy street.  What sad commentary.  But that doesn't stop us from closing ranks when we need to.  Everyone has rallied to help out as Uncle Jimmy had no children and no spouse.  No matter how far apart we are, we're there when it's important.  I pray Tate has some semblance of this type of family in his life as he grows up.  That is one of my most fervent prayers for my son.

One of Those Days.

So today was one of THOSE days.  Oh my!  


Tate woke up at 430am and would not go back to sleep.  But, this all started with his 1 hour and 20 minute nap yesterday of which the last 20 minutes were mere dozings.  So, by last night at 640p I had a very overtired young man.  Into the crib he went at 640p, and he tossed and turned and tossed and turned.  At 704p he started screaming.  I knew that meant he had 'lost' his lovey.  I went upstairs and picked up his hippo off the floor and gave it to him.  Those sweet little arms came up and around my neck, so I picked him up and rocked him to sleep like I used to. I miss that sweet warm body falling completely asleep in my arms.  Into the crib he went at 717p...I knew immediately this did not bode well for a good night's sleep.  I crawled into bed at 1034p.  At 1107p Tate was up crying.  I replaced his pacifier because I wanted to be asleep!!!!  (I usually have him find the pacifier himself).  He was then up at 231a, sitting up, looking lost trying to find his lovey and pacifier.  I gave them to him and laid him back down.  Then 434a he was up and crying yet again.  I put him in bed with me, and he was all smiles and happiness.  He dozed about 40 minutes then started climbing over my head, kicking me, tickling me ... the mommy jungle gym.  I gave in at 604am.  


We read books and played, then came downstairs for breakfast around 645.  He happily played in the living room while I got his cheerios, banana, yogurt and milk organized.  I came to get him to get in his high chair and all hell broke loose.  He came readily enough to the highchair and climbed in.  I turned around to get his plate and he started screaming.  Hurriedly, I placed the plate of cheerios and banana on the tray.  Nope.  More screaming.  I gave him his milk...he pushed it away.  I put the yogurt on the tray...even more screaming.  Kicking.  Furious, and I have not a clue why.  This went on for 10 minutes.  I tried walking away; I tried sitting by him to encourage him.  Finally took off the tray and got him down in my arms while he squirmed.  I broke my own rule and gave him a pacifier and tried to hold him and sing to him.  No dice for 10 more minutes.  He finally calmed down.  We read a couple of books, and I decided to try breakfast again.  Into the highchair he went and he ate some yogurt, but again with the screaming and kicking.  I offered puffs and yogurt melts.  Well that was enough to start WW3 since I wouldn't let him have the containers.  I was about to lose my mind.  I must admit these were not my finest moments as I was just as frustrated because he cannot communicate with me.  He will not use his signs at all though he knows them!!  It's like he doesn't understand how.  I swooped him up and stormed upstairs deciding he was going back to sleep.  Popped in another pacifier and gave him his lovey.  Sat down in the rocker with him and he was out in minutes at 8am.  I held him as he slept for an hour.  Breakfast followed and he was in a better mood.


The next 2 hours were better.  He was testy and moody, and I was on pins and needles.  Lunch was a disaster, so I put him down for a nap at noon.  He only slept 45 minutes.  When he woke up I tried to pat him down, hold him in the crib to no avail.  I laid down with him...nothing.  I was about to lose my mind because I knew he was going to be beside himself at our 3pm appointment with the ENT.


He was starving of course, so I shoveled some puffs and strawberries in him.  Of course he was furious that I wouldn't let him have the container, so there were plenty of strawberries on the floor.  We got out the door only 10 minutes behind schedule.


The appointment went well; we were also sent for a couple of x-rays where he also did well.  The ride home was most unpleasant at 440p in Houston traffic.   He cried every 10 minutes...nothing made him happy, not his music, not his lovey...nothing


Dinner went ok, though yet again he shoved his food off his tray when he was done.  (sweet potatoes and quinoa all over my floor)  However, dinner was prefaced with screaming for reasons unbeknownst to me.  I looked at him and set his milk down with quite a bit of force on the counter asking 'what is it now' quite unpleasantly...more tears.  Ugh.


He was in bed at 633p.  I pray he can catch up on his sleep tonight.  It's a vicious cycle, overtiredness.  One of the many many things I try to protect him from.


These days make me wonder what the hell was I thinking doing this on my own, and thank goodness I'm too old to have another one though I am desperate for a sibling for him.  My guilt over my frustration and anger with him knows no bounds.  I always said I would not be a yeller, yet I have raised my voice or been more firm than I intended.    He can see in my eyes when I'm angry;  I can tell. I try to walk away and give myself a time out.  These are the times I need to 'tag out' with someone.  Someone to just give me a break...a real break.  I cannot be all things at all times for this little guy and on days like this when we are alone together all day I have to be.  And I love him so very much.  And he gives the most amazing hugs and kisses these days!!  And he did tonight, and I feel like such a failure and I promise to be more patient and I promise to not get frustrated.  Until the next time.  But writing it down and admitting is freeing.  And I know I'm not the only parent, single or coupled, who gets to this point.  Actually I don't know any parent who doesn't get to this point.  But these points are just blips in the life of a child and a parent.  Mere hiccups.  Because as I look at him tonight I realize my frustration and anger come from wanting the best for him.  And I know not sleeping will cause him pain, yet I can't convey that to him, so he's hurting.  And I can't make the hurt stop if he won't sleep.  Love.  In its many forms.  

  

Blessings in the midst of angst

In the middle of the night when my baby is sick, feverish and so sad I am so aware of my singleness.


Last night when we got home from work/daycare, Tate was not happy about dinner.  He just pushed his food around and was disinterested.  I finally thought to touch his forehead and the little guy was soooo warm.  I swooped him up, and we went upstairs to take his temperature and get on into bed.  He had a fever of 100.3.  Thankfully he loves, and I mean loves, to take medicine...any kind.  (he will even take his Singular granules simply mixed with water if it's in a syringe!  Blech!)  Got some Ibuprofen in him, brushed teeth, squigeed his poor little nose, bathed him and into bed he went.  At 3:47am I heard him let out a long sigh and a little moan.  He had a fever of 101.9...more Ibuprofen and into bed with Mommy he went.  But apparently all he needed was a little hug from his mommy.  He was up and down for the next hour...ugh.  I know he didn't feel well, so that was part of it.  But also that time of early morning is so hard for him.  Even as a newborn that 4am feeding was tough.  After he would nurse he had such a hard time going back to sleep.  He has truly not outgrown that.


Luckily, our office had not scheduled patients for this morning.  Tate still had a fever of 100.5 around 730am.  He wasn't very hungry, but he was a trooper.  He played very well by himself for 30 minutes while I picked up and did some things around here.  Once our housekeeper arrived he was busy showing her all of his stuffed animals.  (he is so outgoing it amazes me).  Lunch was a no go as well, but he went down for his nap with no fussing.  He was warm most of the morning, slightly lethargic and just wanted to be held quite a bit.


Unfortunately I had to work this afternoon.  There was noone to cover for me.  And a perfect storm of impossible situations occurred.  We are expecting snow, sleet and ice in Houston.  (it was anticipated to begin during rush hour...5pm)  My mom had to be home tonight in preparation for tomorrow as she has a colonoscopy scheduled for Saturday at 630am.  This requires a person to drink some hideous solution and utilize the facilities on a very regular basis the day before.  I did not want my mother driving in home in what could have been treacherous driving conditions, so she was out.  My dad has a long term substituting job at the moment.  Most of my friends work, and those who don't and have kids...well they didn't need my sick kid around their child(ren).  I am so lucky that my sister's company heeded the warnings and told their employees to leave at 2pm (they have done this many times in the past, so once we knew the airports were closing as were most school I knew there was a good chance Lindsey would get off early, yet we didn't know how early, and I had to be at work at 130pm).  I called 2 other dear friends who both agreed to rearrange their schedules if need be to help watch Tate, even taking turns as needed in between meetings and picking up their own kids.  I took Tate up to work with me, and the lovely ladies at the office took turns entertaining my sick baby while I was seeing patients.  Tate was soooo good.  It was so obvious he felt so bad, yet he didn't cry when I would go off leaving him with people he had never met before.  Lindsey arrived about an hour later and took him home.  She is so amazing with him, and we are so very blessed to have her live so close to us.  She is a huge part of Tate's life, and I don't know what I would do without her.  She has been there for us more times than I can count;  she is almost his other mother.  For that I will be eternally grateful.


So tonight, my little guy sleeps the sleep of the not so well.  At bathtime his fever was 101.2 and his little body was so hot.  Heat just emanated off of him.  He just curled up and wanted to be held as I took each item of clothing off in preparation for his bath.  After his bath he was much cooler and in much better spirits though.  He laid down and drifted right off to sleep after lullabies and books.  We shall see what the dark, cold, hopefully snowy night brings.

Tate napping this afternoon

As cliche as it, it does indeed take a village to raise a child.  How anyone does this without family and friend support as a choice mom is beyond me.   I garner so much strength and comfort from these wonderful people in my life.  It's those connections that get me through the long, sometimes very scary nights alone with Tate.  Because believe me, when your baby is sick, burning up with fever and not feeling well and it's 3:47 it's scary.  At that point it's hard to imagine he will ever be ok or that anything you are doing can possibly be right.  You just want him to feel better.  3:47 in the morning does not lend itself to making you feel like a competent mother.  You are alone and the person you love most is looking to you to make him feel better or at least explain why he just hurts.  Those are the moments you sit back in your rocking chair, your baby in your arms, and allow the love of friends, family and God to envelope you in an invisible hug and bring you hope.  The sun will rise soon;  it always does.  

Whoa Mommy!! What is THIS?

As we were finishing his bath tonight Tate was his usual happy self.  All of the water had gone out of the tub, and I was just getting ready to get up and get him out.  I looked at him and he was looking down at his penis in awe as urine started coming out!!  He seemed so shocked.  I turned the faucet on to get the water running, so I could rinse the pee off of him.  Well that just amazed him.  He looked up and pointed at the water running out of the faucet and back down at his penis 'making' water as well.  He looked back up at the faucet water and back down again at his penis.  This went on a few more times...faucet water, penis water.   He then grabbed his penis to get more water out, turned it all around and up and down.  Absolute magic in his opinion it seems.  


PRICELESS.

18 Months Old!!!

It is unfathomable to me that my little boy, my son, is 18 months old today.  At exactly 3:13 pm, my mom, who was here to celebrate with us, said "What time was Tate born?"  Wow...he was pulled from my body at 3:13pm on Thursday, July 23, 2009.  I felt that HUGE push and then he was here!!  From that moment on, life changed.


He is soooo much fun these days.  I hate spending time away from him.  I am one of those people who dreads Sundays, because the next day is Monday.  That is a sure sign to me that we need to start going to church much more regularly. He actually does pretty well, though we have to go to the children's service.  I so miss my traditional service, but we just need to go every week.  


Grandmommy and Aunt Lindsey came over to celebrate these 18 months with us today!  We didn't have any treats today, but none were necessary!  Grandmommy brought him a new puzzle and I got him the stacking train by Melissa and Doug and a couple of very sweet books.  Yes, he is very spoiled, and I'm sure not many people celebrate monthly birthdays well into the second year, but meh I don't care!  :)


As far as milestones...well I don't even know where we left off.  What can Tate do now?


He can run!  He rarely walks when he can run.
He can do picture puzzles.  This actually really surprised me.  He's so good at them.
He loves to dance especially to his Music Together CD.  He really likes the song "When the Saints Go 
   Marching In."
He can feed himself extremely well with a spoon.
He can climb into his highchair.  (this I'm sure I shouldn't allow)
He can follow instructions...amazingly well.  This also has me in awe.  
He helps put his clothes on (puts arms in)  This he has been doing for about 6 months.
He loves airplanes, and whenever he hears them he stops what he's doing and puts his hand in the air  
   and looks to me so I can see/hear it too!!
He will roll a ball back and forth (started this around 16 months)
He can sort by colors!!!
He can ride a riding toy!!  He loves his Wheely Bug!!  That thing can move!!
He will sit down and 'read' books to himself.  (love this!!)  A new fave is "Goodnight Moon"  I started 
  reading that to him every night the night we came home from the hospital.
He throws balls overhanded.
He is extremely picky about his food.
He gives hugs and kisses when asked.
He can point to basic body part!


WHEW!  He's been busy.  Many of these he mastered a bit ago, but I wanted to list them out to really see for myself.  Now if he would only talk.  He has probably said about 15 words in his short life, however he fails to use them.  His favorite word right now is 'car' and he says it all the time.  But other than that I cannot get him to say anything.  We have our 18 month check up on Friday.  We'll see what the doc says!!

As he sleeps tonight, I am still in wonder that he is in my life.  I know we will have our ups and downs, trials and tribulations.  But as long as we come back together at the end of everyday with those wondrous hugs like we do now, then I know we will always be just fine.  Though we may reside on opposite ends of the earth or simply opposite sides of the house, we belong to one another.

Responsiblity

Being sick when you're a mom is difficult; being sick when you're a single momma by choice seems insurmountable.  


Late last Sunday afternoon I seemed to have a tickle in my throat.  I had a very slight dry cough...nothing that concerned me except that it was not my norm.  Monday, all day at work I was cold.  Yet that's not uncommon for me, and the office building had the a/c running though it was in the low 50s/high 40s outside.   


Then came Tuesday morning.  I was freezing when I woke up here at home and could barely lift my head off my pillow.  Miserable.  Tate was his normal happy self at 5:45 in the morning.  Somehow I got him dressed, myself dressed (and seriously all I did was put clothes on..no makeup, I don't think I even ran a comb through my hair...just threw on a headband), got him fed and I took my temperature...102.8.  Miserable.  I grabbed Tate, our stuff and a blanket and out the door we went.  I floated into the daycare with him...thank goodness he's such a good little boy.   It was cold out, he needed a jacket and hat and I needed him to walk on his own...all of which he did with no fuss.  Somehow I made it to work.  It felt like the longest day of my life.  My fever stayed between 102 and 103 all day whilst I lived on Tylenol.  In between patients I laid on the floor in my office under my blanket from home with my head on my purse.  Miserable.


Thankfully, Lindsey was already planning on picking Tate up from daycare for me.  She helped me get him fed.  I got him bathed and in bed by 7.  Still had to clean up and get ready for the next day for him.  I have no recollection of how I did any of that.  Wednesday, I felt a bit better though still running a low grade fever;  by the end of the day I was absolutely exhausted.  But sadly Thursday I was right back where I started.  I actually started crying at work I was so miserable.  OJ was brought in for me and they held the schedule as it was...no add ins.  I could barely function.  On top of all of this is my constant worry that Tate is going to catch whatever it was I had.  I was washing my hands constantly, handling his food and everything else only while wearing gloves.  I didn't kiss or cuddle him.  And it's so hard now because he is such a cuddle bug now!!!  And for the first time since he was born I slept in a different room than him.  I started this on Wednesday evening after coughing like a maniac all night Tuesday and waking him up.  It was so hard to leave him alone on the 3rd floor and sleep on the first floor.  I felt more than guilty, plus I truly love sharing our room.  But I needed him to get his rest, and I needed some solid sleep.  He sleeps through the night, but he cries out at least 2 times during the night when he turns over looking for a pacifier which in turn awakens me.  But I missed him.  I missed hearing him turn over, missed hearing him breathe, simply missed his presence.  However, it was the best thing for both of us.  I've been downstairs for 3 night, and  I am actually going to spend one more night downstairs tonight since I still have a slight cough and congestion.  Friday, I took him to daycare around 9 just so I could get some rest...add that to my extreme Mommy guilt.  There was no way we were going to make it to our Music Together class, and I needed to just get my strength back as I still felt horrible.  I picked him up early and we spent the rest of the day on the floor playing.  Today I'm much better, still far from 100%.  I know that had I just been able to stay home that first day and get some rest when I was the sickest and most feverish I would not still be so sick.


But here's the thing.  I'm the sole provider for our family.  It's just me.  Only me.  Worse, I am in a job where I have no paid sick time.  If I'm sick, I don't get paid.  So I go in, run the risk of infecting everyone in contact with me and do my job as best I can.  Then when I'm home not feeling good, I still have to play with Tate, change him, feed him, full on take care of him.   I don't have someone who can run out at 1am and get me some Tylenol if I run out.   But I'm a mother.  It's amazing what you can and WILL do when you're a mother.   This little boy depends totally on me.  He doesn't understand that I do not feel like reading 'Maisy' for the umpteenth time.  He just wants his mommy.  And I just want my mommy.  (who sadly had a horrible ear infection all week)


So, like all single mommies out there I'm soldiering on.  I am only doing only that which must be done for the next few days.  But this is what I signed up for.  And as hard as it has been, it has made me realize how strong I can be.  I don't always want to be that strong one, but for now I am.  I am mommy, hear me roar.

Where Have We Been?

It's been an interesting couple of weeks!!  After our visit to the ER, we saw the allergist the following week.  After some detective work, we ascertained that the only new thing was oranges.  I had just started him on those about a week prior to this incident.   He had oranges that day for lunch.  Now I just knew this test was going to come back negative.  I really and truly believed it would...who is allergic to oranges?!  Well, lo and behold he came back positive!!!  He is allergic to oranges.  I cannot believe it, and our allergist is flummoxed by the severity of his reaction to the oranges.  So, we now avoid all citrus items!  I must say though, I don't believe this will be our last reaction.  My little guy just seems to have so many allergy issues.  His total IgE is high which means he is an allergic kid...I didn't need a test to tell me that!

So, where else have we been?  My computer no longer has a screen that operates.  The computer comes to life and happily sits there ready to be used.  However, the screen is black!  Ugh.  As such, I have been without a computer for 6 days with 3-4 more days to go!!  And I have moved on from PCs!!  My sister, Lindsey and Christian have convinced me a Mac is the way to go, so my Macbook Pro should arrive within the week.  (fyi...I'm writing this on Lindsey's Mac) My pink Dell is to be purely decoration from now on.

Then.......my dryer went on the fritz.  About 10 days ago I smelled gas in my laundry room.  The gas company came out and found no signs of gas anywhere in my house thankfully.  However, the gentleman told me my dryer was improperly connected to the outlet or whatever you call that thing that  goes outside and  carbon monoxide leaks out that way!!  So now I have to get a new dryer!!  And I've just decided to get a new washer as well!

Carbon monoxide...unbelievable.  Of course, I have huge mommy guilt as the laundry room is right next to our room.  How many times have I done laundry with him sound asleep, though both doors are always closed.  I now have carbon monoxide detectors on all 3 floors. 

So, our 2011 has started out with a bang...a bang my wallet could have done without. :)  But it's ok!!  It's still going to be a great year!!  We are going to Virginia this summer for a family reunion.  Christian will be returning at least twice to visit!!  And most importantly,  Tate is still his funny, festive, loving self.  He has started that noise with his lips where he uses his hands to make that brrrrSoooo cute.  In the past 2-3 weeks he has started giving me the most amazing hugs and kisses.  He loves when we're playing on the floor and I lay down on the floor...I become his jungle gym and he is all over me just giggling away.  He has a new fascination with airplanes.  Whenever he hears one he puts his hand up and looks out the window (if we're inside) and if we're outside he turn in circles looking at the sky trying to find it.  He can even do the sign for airplane and he will say 'air.'  Maybe we'll drive near one of the airports and just hang out one day.   

So happy 2011 everyone and especially my wonderful Baby Tate!!!