Why Me?

I was just on the SMC forum where I was reading a post in the 'Trying To Conceive' section entitled "Pregnant Friends".  These women were sharing their stories of their challenges to get pregnant whilst surrounded by friends, family, co-workers, peers, employees and the world in general who are pregnant, about to give birth or recently gave birth.  They were discussing how hard it is to be surrounded by people who have the one thing they want most in the world, the one thing they are struggling to have...a child.  Many of them have been trying for a couple of years, having done multiple IUIs and/or IVFs.  And have suffered more than their share of BFNs, miscarriages and the like.

I sit here almost in tears for them.  And not because my journey to have a child was fraught with difficulty but because mine wasn't.'

Hence, the 'Why Me?'

Why me?  I got pregnant my first try with home insemination (with fresh sperm).  First try.  Granted I read everything I could get my hands on how to make this happen especially given the fact that my donor didn't live in my country, so accessibility was going to be difficult.   But I sooooo didn't want to have to pay huge amounts of money for IUI or IVF.  Though I would have.  I was prepared to finance my TTC journey anyway I had to.  Though I say that, I think at the time when they gave me the financial breakdown I just tucked the nuances of the cost in the back of my mind while fervently praying I wouldn't have to do that.  Almost in one ear, out the other.  

But still, why me?  And yes, I always, always, always wanted to be a mommy.  Craved it.  But I also always, always, always wanted to be someone's wife.  And this post in the forum reminded me of the numerous, and I mean numerous weddings I attended starting while still in college until about 3 years ago.  I must have gone to or been in almost, if not 100 weddings.  All the showers, engagement parties, bachelorette parties.  All while secretly crying at night...Why not me?

And still today I think...Why not me?  Why am I still single?  Why have I not dated someone in almost a decade?  

So I get it.  I know the feeling of loss, hurt, frustration.  I understand loving the person who is getting what you want most, yet being so angry with them at the same time.  I get it.

And then I think that's why my road to becoming a Single Mother by Choice was smooth.  God graced me as He knew how much I hurt for all those years prior.  Maybe so.  I just don't know.  But I am beyond grateful.  

So when I hear about newly born 25 weeker Ella Caroline born last Monday to her SMC mommy who endured 7 IUIs and 4 IVFs my heart aches.  

Why me?

When I hear about another SMC who has undergone 8 IUIs and 4 miscarriages my heart sinks.

Why me?

When I read about the SMC with 2 ICIs and 6 IUIs all of which ended in BFN my heart laments.

Why me?

I do deserve my sweet sleeping boy.  I do.  I know I do.  He's the best part of me.  We make a beautiful family.  And I worked extremely hard to have him.  He is my greatest, bestest, most awesomest work in progress.

I am blessed.  

That's why.

This is the man I was waiting for.

Meeting for the first time