In Ten Years

This evening I was asked where I see myself ten years down this road we call life, what my dreams and wishes were for my life in the future.  Where do I want to be as Tate's mother, as a female dental professional and in my life as a possible partner.

Ten years...it seems like such a long time, doesn't it.  Then I thought about it.  In ten years Tate will be heading off to college.  If I do my job right of raising him, he'll be moving out of our home and out on his own in a college town miles and miles away.  In ten years.  If these ten years go by half as fast as the past 7 1/2 years have gone, I'll feel like I just blinked and my baby has become a man.

Ten years ago I hadn't even considered becoming a mom....that didn't happen until May of 2007.  I can barely remember what I was doing back then, but I know I was loving life.  Fast forward 5 months and one of my BFFs was saying 'If you're buying a new car, you can't have a baby in a 2 door', so I bought a 4 door sedan.  Seven months later I was having 3 day labs run.  And now here I am, mom to the sweetest little boy I know.  

Alot can change in ten years, but more stays the same.

So where DO I want to be in 10 years?  Do I want to be in an intimate relationship?  How will I be feeling when Tate leaves me to go out on his own? And writing the words 'when Tate leaves me' makes me feel so conflicted because he's not leaving me as much as he's moving in the direction I'm guiding him to right this very minute, day in and day out.  But it already feels so much like he will be leaving me.  

Which makes me realize that perhaps I need to work on being more than Tate's mom, though goodness it's a role I relish, I love, I live for. It's the best thing I've ever done, my most favorite thing I've ever done.  Yet, as a single mother, a one woman show, I worry that when he graduates high school and embarks on his possible far-away college career that I'll be incredibly lonely.  Now I know I wasn't lonely in the 41 years I lived prior to his birth, but at 60 years old I'm thinking I might see life a little differently.  Many of my friends will be 5-10 years into the life of the empty nesting. Many of them will be partnered and possibly not so eager to spend my empty nest days wiping my tears over my empty nest.  

I have made a concerted effort to nurture my friendships.  I'm a good friend :)  It's always been important to me to maintain the connections I've made throughout my life.  I try to always make time to hang out with my girlfriends, chat with them, email them and visit out of state/town when I can.  

But are these friendships going to be enough?  After spending virtually every night (well at this point) having dinner with my child, having someone to laugh with and talk to, laying my head down next to as he drifts off to sleep, what will I do when I'm alone night after night after night in ten years.  I certainly realize that in 3-4 years I probably won't spend as many evenings having dinner with Tate, nor will I be hanging out as he falls asleep, but he'll be under my roof.  And even he's ignoring me because I'm so very uncool, at least he'll be ignoring me from a room under my roof.  I can still go stare at him and his frustrated face.  This is another reason I make a concerted effort to eat dinner TOGETHER every single night with no electronics and no books.  My family ate together every night through high school barring band concerts, the odd late rehearsal etc and through college and when we girls moved out; my parents still eat together every night.  This connection at the dinner table is amazing. I never gave it much credence until my cousin mentioned it when they visited from Virginia a few months ago.  As we bowed our heads to bless the food we spontaneously ordered in, Stacey started the blessing stating he was ever so thankful that we were able to break bread together.

In ten years who will I break bread with every night?  That's almost overwhelming to even consider.

Years ago when I was lamenting the loss of my fiance and my dream of being married I wondered to a friend why this was so very important to me...besides the fact that everyone wants to love and be loved, what is it about being married that was important, but I couldn't put it into words.  She put it into words for me...

"Everyone wants a witness to their life."

Those were the most beautifully spoken words and their truth indescribable.  We all want a witness to our lives, the day to day drudgery, the day to day chores of life, the day to day minuscule joys and happiness, the day to day minutiae we call life.  When all is said and done we want someone to witness our lives.  

That person shouldn't be our child(ren).  Oh they'll chronicle our lives and want to remember oh so much about us, but what we share with our children is so different that what we share with our partners and our friends for that matter.  

So what do I want in ten years?  What do I want to accomplish in the next ten years?  Where do I see myself in ten years, apart from mothering Tate.  

All good questions...I think I'm ready to try to start finding the answers.