Are We Having Fun Yet?

Goodness I have had trouble blogging since 'we' started kindergarten.  This new year was not only a transition for Tate, but me as well.  It's been so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

I always said to myself that if Tate started behaving differently at home, if he wasn't the same happy, go-lucky, funny, loving child that I would pull him out of his new school.  That my true measure of how he was doing would be an extreme change in temperament.

I'm really happy to say he is still my same little boy.  Always happy, laughing, smiling, loving and cuddly.  So in that respect I'm just really happy.

But these last couple of months have been seemingly so hard on him.  He's having trouble with his behavior in school....now he's not acting out or being mean or causing 'trouble'.  He's just being a typical 5 year old, second to youngest in the class, not terribly athletic, smart little boy.  He had to go see the head of the lower school after he and another 5 year old were screaming in the bathroom, so much so that another teacher heard and had to go get their teacher.  That warranted a visit to Dr. M for both boys.  Now in and of itself, being silly in the bathroom is so not a big deal...I think much must have led up to them being sent to see him and when another teacher has to come get your teacher...never good.  But Tate seemed oblivious to the seriousness of seeing the principal.  I asked him point blank if he had been scared and he said no.  Sigh.  We talked about it, and he truly understood he shouldn't have been horsing around in the bathroom.

But I see him and Ch every basketball game and practice.  They are two of the sweetest boys in the class, also two of the skinniest and two of the less than athletically inclined.  They feed off each other's silliness.  And it gets old.  Fast.  

They've done other silly things warranting warnings and moving their behavior clips down as a team.  Ch's mom and I just sigh and pray the coach keeps them apart...do not let them sit on the bench together!!  :)

But silliness aside, Tate's having some real trouble with a couple of the other boys.  You know all year long he has said off and on "Ig doesn't like me."  I heard it and being of the mindset that the kids need to work their relationships out I just supported him (or so I thought) and said I'm sure that's not true, or why do you think that?  Consistently he would say because he doesn't want to play with me.  He did say a few times that Ig told him so.  He has made it clear to me that there is a clear sporty clique going on at recess...'the boys who play soccer.'  They do not 'let' Tate play as I've mentioned before.  I've strongly encouraged him to make other friends and play with other boys, and for the most part I think he's succeeded.  But he's uber aware of these soccer playing boys.  

Last week the boys had a substitute for 2 days...their teacher got stuck out of town due to the snow on the long weekend.  At some point Tate and Ig had an issue that escalated to Ig telling Tate he hated him and spitting on him.  Tate hit Ig and was caught hitting.  He ended up seeing the head of school again.  Now noone called to tell me;  I found out because Tate told me.  I asked if he told the teacher what had happened and he said no.  I asked if he had ever told his real teacher Ig was telling him he didn't like him and he said no.  

Sigh.  So I tried to make it as clear as I could (as did Nanny S) that if someone was mean to him, or hit him or spit on him or anything ugly that he needed to walk away and tell the teacher.  To just walk away and tell an adult.  That he couldn't use his hands to hit because invariably that's when the teacher will look over.  

I took it upon myself to email the head of lower school and the other K teacher to try to ascertain what happened.  I then emailed his regular teacher the night before she was due back asking her to please separate Tate and Ig because Tate hated sitting next to him.  I explained what Tate had told me about the unkind words.  She did end up moving Ig to another table, talking to both boys and telling me Ig's version of events which was that Tate was doing something to annoy the other kids and wouldn't stop so Ig told him 'I hate you."  Mrs. K said she's had many conversation over the year with Tate about listening to our friends when they don't want to do something he wants to do.  All this was news to me sadly. Tate seems much happier now though that Ig has been moved.  

I usually write a little note on a napkin for his lunch.  He told his nanny and then me that the soccer boys made fun of his mommy notes (as he calls them).  He told us he just moved away from them and sits with other boys now.  Nanny S asked him if he wanted me to stop writing the notes and I'm proud to say Tate said "No way!"  She asked him how they made him feel and he said 'excited.'  He likes the notes and just moved away from the mean boys.  Nanny S told him to never, ever let someone make him feel bad because he's loved, that those boys were probably jealous their mommies didn't love them enough to write them notes.  I was so proud of him :)

Today I surprised him at school for lunch.  He was so excited.  When we were deciding where to sit though I suggested one spot and he said "No the soccer boys are sitting there.  We need to sit here."  All was good and I sat with him and his little band of cronies.

But he is insistent that these boys don't like him.  This week I've been really trying to tell him that I don't think that's the case.  That not everyone has to play the same games at recess or any other time.  I asked him if the other boys besides Ig have told him flat out to his face 'I don't like you.'  And after some prodding and me asking about each kid by name, he had to admit no.  He's just having a hard time understanding different personalities, likes and dislikes.  I am sad though to hear there's such a strong divide amongst the boys.  I saw it today...the more athletic boys sit together while the other boys were on the other side.  There's no clear divide, but once you know who is who you can see it.

Yet there is one little boy that I myself find to be mean.  And he's mean to Tate as well.  I've seen him do it.  At basketball practice last week I had to go take the ball from him (Coach hadn't arrived) because I saw him throw it at Tate.  Then I saw him pushing Tate then walk by and shove him in a way that if you didn't know it wasn't an accident that you would think it was.  It's the look in his eye and the deliberate way it was done.  Thankfully Tate was oblivious, but I most certainly was not.  

Tonight as I was laying in bed in the dark with Tate he told me that Tuesday when they were in line for basketball pictures that B^^ and another boy were hitting and flicking him.  He said he tried hitting them back but they moved too fast.  (It's amazing the stuff that comes out in the dark, quiet before sleep...I love this time with him, laying there just the two of us...I find out more about his life in these last few minutes before sleep than I do in the other 23 hours and 55 minutes in the day)  What was so sadly sweet is that I think Tate was scared to tell me yesterday evening when it happened because he didn't go tell anyone.  He said "I forgot I was supposed to go tell a teacher Mommy."  So bless his heart not only was he picked on and upset by that, he was even more upset to tell me he didn't go tell the teacher.  (and after the night we had last night I'm not surprised he didn't tell me last night...he had gotten in trouble in 3 different classrooms yesterday for being silly, not listening and not being a good friend...he'd had a horrible day).  Anyway, I told him that next time he HAS to remember to just say 'Stop it' in a loud deep voice (and we practiced) and just walk away and tell a teacher.  He HAS to remember.  Sweet boy.

All the above aside, Tate's just not been able to listen in school lately.  He got sent out of after school art a couple of weeks ago for not being able to follow instructions.  The art teacher told Nanny S that he was running around, wouldn't acknowledge her and just wouldn't stop.  She also said that she knows how Tate is, but that that day it was too much.  Again...news to me that my child cannot sit still and follow directions.  I was furious with him.  Because he knows better.  I emailed her and we discussed that he is young and that maybe it's just too long a day for him.  But I decided to work on positive reinforcement.  I told Tate that if he got a good behavior report from after school art that he would get a small prize when I got home.  I wrestled with the decision because I don't want to bribe him to behave and I don't want him to behave to get a prize.  I want him to behave because you're supposed to and because the rules are there to keep him and everyone around him safe.  But being mad at him and punishing him are not the way I want to spend our evenings and minimal time together.  And right now I think he needs positivity.  So small gifts it is...the last two weeks he's had glowing reports.  Now I've told him the prizes won't last forever, that he needs to learn how nice it is to listen and follow instructions.  I'm sure to tell him/remind him how nice it feels that noone is disappointed in his behavior.  He positively glows when he's done well.  And his artwork is amazing!!!

But tonight as I was making his lunch I realized that we have spent the last two months worrying about/fussing about his behavior in kindergarten.  It's ridiculous!  We're spending so much time worrying about who likes us and who doesn't.  We're worried about whether he touched a wall he wasn't supposed to touch.  We're blathering on about where his damn clip is at the end of the day.  

I've totally lost sight of the fact that kindergarten is supposed to be fun.  Fun.  Learning needs to be fun.  We shouldn't race home to see if our children behaved properly all day.  We should race home to see what cool new things they've learned.  We should race home to hear the new song they learned in music, not whether or not some other kid beat him on the head with the drumstick.  Where is the fun?  I can't remember the last time I asked Tate if he had fun at school.  I ask him if he's happy, if he wants to change schools and he says he's happy and no he doesn't want to change.  (I don't know how much his not wanting to change is not wanting to have to start over vs he really likes the school.  I think he's too young to know the difference.)

So tonight I emailed Nanny S and said that from now on she doesn't need to look and see what his behavior was which she's only been doing lately.  I did ask her to let me know how art behavior is on Thursdays and text me the report but other than that I'm not even going to ask Tate how his day went behaviorally until after dinner.  I figure if there was an issue that required me to know his teacher will let me know.  We are going to work on enjoying these last few months of kindergarten, the both us.  

We're going to start having some fun.