The Night Before Kindergarten

My little boy starts kindergarten tomorrow.  

My baby who 5 years ago at this time was 7 days shy of being one month old starts kindergarten tomorrow.

My son will be starting his formal education in the morning.

This is the day I have been dreading for 5 years and 26 days.  

My Tate is growing up.

I think I've finally realized why I've been sleeping so terribly this summer.  I think I know why I feel absolutely out of control in all aspects of my life.  I think I know why I've been so incredibly stressed even in the midst of having good fun.

I've been dreading this day.  And not just because I don't want my little boy to grow up.  But because I'm so worried I've made the wrong decision for him.  Not that I really had any choice in the matter with being wait-listed at all 9 public schools I applied to for him and on the waiting list at the other private school we applied to.  The school he starts tomorrow was our only other choice except our neighborhood school which I definitely didn't want him attending.

He's attending an affluent, private, all-boys school.  A school that I have absolutely nothing in common with.  I attending coed, public school my entire life until college, and far from affluent.  We lived a moderate middle class life.  This is an entirely new animal for me.  I'm a definite fish out of water in this environment.

As I re-read this post thus far it seems that most of my concerns revolve around me.  Hmmm.  So I should try to figure that out.  I so want Tate to be accepted, but I know that part of his true acceptance will be predicated on the parents' acceptance of me.  I'm a black, working, single mother.  There is no father in the picture.  I'm the quintessential single black mother, aren't I?  These people know nothing of my history, my career, my dreams and goals.  Yet, I feel judged in their eyes already.  I'm having my pain in advance, well maybe not in advance as I've met many of the mothers already.  And probably they're not really judging me.  

I'm by far the oldest mother in our group of kindergarten mothers, not sure about the dads.  I think the next oldest mom is getting ready to turn 40.  I'm not sure how many of the mothers work, but my buddy mom does not work.  She and her husband have already decided where they want their son to go to high school!  I'm not even sure what Sunday school class I want to enroll Tate in in the fall.  

I'm by far the largest mother in the group.  This always bothers me, but at Tate's daycare I felt more 'on the same level' as the other parents, not socio-economically as I know I was one of the few in highly compensated professional careers...I think there were two to three other docs and a couple of attorneys. But all us moms dressed the same, were down to earth, definitely not high maintenance.  We were the parents who got down on the floor with our kids, struggled to find matching socks in the morning and wiped doughnut crumbs off our faces when we dropped our kids off in the mornings.  In any event, all of these moms are svelte, wearing Tory Burch flip flops, great blow-outs all the time, carry high end purses and wear clothes that (a) I'll most likely never fit and (b) are from stores I could never afford.

I'm a single mother by choice.  I did get to meet his teacher on Friday and I decided to tell her about Tate's parentage.  Mostly I wanted her to know that he doesn't suffer a loss of a father.  I said we are a mom and kid family and that there was no death, divorce or separation in our family.  She looked a bit confused (as I assumed she would be), so I just went for it and said he has a father who is not involved because he helped me do this on my own.  I said Tate will probably say he has a father a little bit if asked.  I said I know that would make no sense, but if she overhears it, if she could just support Tate in however he wants to say it.  I stumbled around trying to make my point, and I really need to have a good conversation with Tate about this, but right now in this time of change in his life I'm going to give it some time though I know I should just do it.

Last year the admission's director told me they had several different family types in the school, grandparents raising kids, single mothers etc.  But I think they are few and far between.  I know one kindergartner's parents are recently divorced, but that's still not a single mother.  His father lives here and is present in his life.

Present in his life.  This is important because they do ALOT of father-son stuff at this school.  Well it seems like alot.  There's a father-son donuts with dads in just a few weeks, then a father-son liturgy early in the semester as well.  I'm intending to go to these with Tate, though my dad thinks he should go.  But I want Tate to know that our family structure is just fabulous and I am his mother AND father. He does have a friend from his old daycare who grew up with him from toddler hood until the boys were almost four when his parents put him at Tate's new school; so while Tate was in pre-k at his daycare C was in pre-k3 at Tate's new school...C will be in pre-k4 this upcoming year.  He and Tate are fast friends though.  Anyway, his mother said that if I can't make it to the father/son events her husband would be more than happy to have Tate sit with him and C.  That just made all the difference to me!!  

So this summer I've been anticipating some communication with the school to help make me more comfortable.  At the end of May there was a brief orientation where I met my school buddy and then there was radio silence until last Monday, the 11th.  Not a single word save an email from the new head master discussing his vision for the school and introducing himself.

Nothing else.  Nada.  Nyet.  No words of encouragement.  No welcome, we know you must be getting so excited.  I was a bit taken aback.  I knew from my May paperwork that there would be a meet the teacher conference on Friday the 15th, but I didn't know what times would be available, if I should bring Tate, and most importantly I needed some notice to arrange our patient schedule.  At the end of the summer, the week before school starts we are swamped!!!  Getting notice on the 11th to sign up for that Friday was not making me employee of the month.  

Then there's Tate's food allergies.  Sigh.  I emailed the nurse who I had spoken with earlier in the summer when the glitch with his immunization record came up.  I never heard from her, so I called again and let her know about his anaphylactic reaction a couple of weeks ago.  She recommended that I meet with either her or the other nurse on staff after my parent/teacher conference on Friday.  I mentioned that Tate's allergist had some recommendations and she said we'd discuss how they do epi-pens at the school.  I immediately took umbrage with that, but didn't say anything, intent on pushing back if they gave me any trouble.

So I was already a bit out of sorts with what I felt was a lack of communication the entire summer.  Or maybe I had higher expectations of being welcomed into this new place.  As it was the only person I felt any connection with, the admission's director, was leaving at the beginning of summer.  The headmistress left as well.  I knew absolutely noone.  And though it's hard to believe I'm really shy and don't do well in situations where I know nobody and I feel out of place.  On top of that I'm an absolute planner and like having all my ducks in a row, so I know what's happening well in advance, a trait I've passed along to my son who upon waking each morning asks me "What are we doing today Mommy?"  And he wants a play by play, so he can mentally prepare.  Like mother, like son.

Fast forward to Friday, the 15th.  I set up an 12:45 appointment with Tate's teacher.  I was unsure if I was supposed to bring him or not.  The head master's assistant, when she finally answered my email questions, said it was up to the teacher.  When I asked his teacher via email, she said it was up to me.  Sigh.  Someone tell me yes or no!!!!!!  I opted not to bring him as I got an invite for a snow cone social set up for today, Sunday, for the kindergarten class, so I assumed she would be at that!

I arrive at the school after racing over from work and went to check in.  The woman at the desk was far from friendly, but then I recognized her name as one of the nurses.  I said "I'm Jennifer and I'm here to meet with Ms. K for my son Tate, oh and you too after I meet with her."  She said "Oh.  We're going to meet in just a few minutes, I'm waiting for the receptionist to come back from lunch."  I said I thought I was meeting his teacher first and then with you.  And she said 'No, we're all going to meet together. Have a seat."

Sigh.  There were two women sitting on the sofa as well, who nodded briefly, but continued their conversation.  Finally, a woman came into the foyer who I 'know' from the kindergarten class.  She gave me a hug and we chatted briefly.  As we were chatting this nurse walks up and tells me,without saying 'excuse me' that it's time to go to the library.  I was furious and basically ignored her with her rude tone.  I said good-by to my friend and turned around and mean nurse was gone.  

I had no idea where the library was!!  I've been in the halls of this place ONE TIME!  But I wandered around, ran into her and we went in.

Now I was expecting to meet with Tate's teacher in the classroom first, so already I'm a bit confused.  I walk into the library and there are 3 people sitting down waiting for me...two women and a man.  Mean nurse walks over, sits down and motions for me to sit down.  Thanks goodness his teacher, Mrs. K, had some manners and stood up to introduce herself.  The other two people sat there and didn't say one word.  

Not one word.

The man is the principal of the lower school!!!  Ummmm shouldn't you introduce yourself to me?  Shouldn't you run this meeting?  I recognized him once I sat down.

The other woman never said one word.

Then the extremely nice PE teacher came in and introduced herself.  She was really kind to me at my interview and Tate's day at the shcool.  I really like her and am so glad she's in on our plans for Tate's health.  

Mean nurse ran the meeting asking a variety of questions, and I know she was trying to make sure we keep Tate safe.  And I'm so appreciative that they take his issues seriously, really I am.  But she gave me a ton of paperwork to fill out or have my physician fill out which I was not prepared for.  

I don't know.  I just didn't get the warm fuzzies and I want warm fuzzies.  I want them to care about me and my son.  I want to know who the hell I'm talking to about my son and our life.  Tell me your name and why you are sitting here interrogating me.

His teacher did take me back to see the room briefly.  I really do like her.  She's a larger woman (yay!) and just seems really genuine.  Turns out the other woman sitting next to me is the other kindergarten teacher...she was the teacher all the other moms wanted to have.  But she's tall and skinny and just like them, so maybe that's why. Also our teacher just moved from 2nd grade to kinder, so maybe they were concerned she wouldn't be as knowledgeable about kindergarten?  Who knows?  I don't care.  I liked her.  And apparently these two women are the best of friends.  So it will be fine.  We chatted briefly, and I could tell she was tired and ready to go and probably very overwhelmed with all of us needy, demanding parents.  I mentioned our family structure as I said above, asked a couple of questions about their school days and told her Tate was excited to meet her on Sunday.  Then she broke my heart by saying she hadn't been informed about the snow cone social, so she wasn't going to be there.

If I had known that I would have brought Tate with me on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so upset.  I had promised him he would meet his teacher;  I so wanted him to have one familiar adult face in this new huge place.  Someone he recognized to take care of him and watch out for him.  I was almost despondent.

I think she could see my despair.  I went ahead and left and made my way back to work, going the wrong way two times in my exhaustion and stress.

Today I had Tate try on his uniform.  Ummm thank goodness it fit :) It's been hanging in the closet for weeks now!!!  The belt is going to be a challenge, but I told him to just leave it belted and pull his pants down to use the restroom and to do his best to get his shirt re-tucked in.  I assured him his teacher would help him with it!

We had a mommy and Tate day...his favorite day.  Then we went over to the snow cone social at the school.  

Lo and behold Mrs. K was there!!!!!  He got to meet her!!

I was beyond grateful.  He seemed happy to see her.

I chatted with a few of the parents; my buddy mom was there...she's really really nice.  We met the new head master, so that was nice.

It poured as we walked in, so we were all huddled near the sno-cone truck :), but it finally cleared up and the kids went on the playground.  I sent Tate out once he finished his snow cone.  He quickly ran out to play on the equipment, kicked a soccer ball around and ran around with the boys.  At one point he was balancing and walking around the slides and another boy walked up and hit or pushed him.  I saw it happening and saw Tate step down and attempt to push the kid back, just as I called his name.  I was calling more to have him step away and come to me, not really to stop him, but I didn't want him and the boy to get into a shoving match either.  I was like WTF?  As I was calling his name, the other kid looked towards me, looked pissed and walked away.

Even more interesting I had been talking to another mom right when all this happened and she was introducing me to the dad next to her.  As she did so she said "Oh look they're making friends".  She seemed to consider this child hitting my child making friends.

Oh my.

But Tate continued his balancing and walking and went back to kicking the soccer ball until another kid took the ball away from him and wouldn't let him play with it.

My sweet boy ran around a bit more by himself and came and asked me if we could go home.  He was soaking wet from playing in the rain, so we made our way to our car and left.

I asked him if he had fun and he said he liked the snow cone part, but he not the playing part.  He said "I'm upset really bad because none of the boys wanted to play with me.  They don't like me."

I have never wanted to cry more than I did at that moment.

We talked it out a bit. I told him it's very hard to be the new kid.  And that I understood...I had been the new kid in 4th grade.  I told him Mrs. K would be there and he needed anything he could talk to her.  I told him  it will be hard at first, but that it will be ok.  

I promised him that he would make friends.

I promised him.

A promise.

I told him not all days will be like today.

I told him that he will always always have me.

I told him that if he gets scared or upset that he will have his Mommy hand in his backpack.  Because Friday we made Mommy and Tate kissing hands for each of us to carry tomorrow and always.  And when we get worried or scared or upset we pull out our kissing hands and hold it near our hearts just like in the book The Kissing Hand.

We went to dinner at his favorite place.  Sadly tonight when it was 98 degrees out, their air conditioning had broken;  I had to almost force Tate to eat outside.  He is not a fan of the outdoors!!  :)  But dinner was yummy though he ate too much :)...stomach ache on the way home.  ("Mommy, my tummy hurts on the inside.")  I had told him not to eat all his sandwich...whatcha gonna do?

We read lots of stories, including 'The Berenstain Bears Go To School' which we've read before (I had read 'The Night Before Kindergarten' this morning at his behest, and he was asleep before 8pm.

Kindergarten.  In the morning.

My little boy is going to kindergarten.    

My worry will be for naught.  I know this.  I was lamenting and worrying to a friend who is my spiritual lifeline.  Her response?

...Try to relax
...It will really work out for his good.
...Surrender to God that He protects Tate more than all of your efforts make you think you do.

It really is going to be a great year, isn't it?

Tate, complete with blue bubblegum snow-cone teeth,
and his new kindergarten teacher!!!