I can't remember a time I didn't want to be a mother. I waited to meet the man who would love me forever and be a father to my children. At 39, he hadn't arrived. I knew I was meant to be someone's mom, so my life plan changed. At 41, I got pregnant on my first try with home insemination! Nine months later, my beautiful boy, Tate arrived! We've been together now for over a year. I'm happy, exhausted and in love. I wouldn't have my life as a choice mom any other way!
This evening went much better. Starting with daycare pick-up. It was warm-ish, in the low 60s, so before I even went inside to get Tate I decided I wasn't going to ask him to put on his jacket. Check! He was ecstatic, and the short drive home was uneventful. He wanted some of Jesus' birthday cake for dinner because he saw it on the counter. I cut a very small piece and just gave it to him with his dinner and let him eat that first. He had had sweet potatoes mixed with quinoa and green beans for lunch along with cottage cheese, grapes, milk and a Happy Tot veggie pouch. For his afternoon snack he had steamed carrots, applesauce, water and a cheese stick. Breakfast had been cheerios, milk, yogurt and a banana. I didn't see the problem with cake for dinner along with some plain Greek yogurt. Check! He played with his trains happily and dragged them upstairs with some yogurt covered raisins he found on the floor for bathtime. Check! Didn't want to pee on the potty; peed in the tub instead. Check! Teeth brushed, lotioned and dressed while clutching the two trains with hippo close by. Asked for sue-y one time, told him the babies had them. Check! Read 'Maisy Cleans Up' 6 times. Check! He wanted to lay down in my bed with me with both trains and no hippo. Check! He got antsy, so I gathered him up with one train and his hippo and rocked him to sleep.
He was in the crib at 7:43 on his way to dreamland. A seemingly fitful dreamland as evidenced by watching him on the monitor, but dreamland nonetheless.
I had driven home from work with a heavy heart and dread in said heart. Tate awoke last night at 4:04 am (and sadly I had not gone to bed until after 11pm), and he was almost inconsolable. It was awful. I rocked him. I laid down with him. I set him down on his feet beside me when I was about beside myself with exhaustion and stress because I needed a moment. And I almost, almost grabbed that clear pacifier I had found under the bed last night when I was picking up his hippo off the floor. In my tearful, stressed out, heartbroken state I just wanted it to be over. But I picked him, hugged him to me and just started rocking again. And he finally went back to sleep. His sleepy, sweaty, cuddly body cushioned against my breast. At 5:26 I laid back down with him in my bed. I have no idea when he finally dozed back off as I drifted in and out of dozing that entire time. I do remember re-setting my alarm for 6 just to have 15 extra minutes of sleep.
When the alarm went off at 6 he woke up HAPPY as a clam. Like the previous 2 hours had not happened, nor had the night before. He jumped down and played with his trains. And he had a great morning, not a single moment of fussiness. He even put his coat on once we arrived at daycare without one peep.
So we'll see what tonight holds. That 4am sweet spot of his. Something in his sleep cycle lightens him just enough at that point as I've stated before so he wakes more at that point than any other time overnight. I just hope that his hippo brings comfort this time if he wakes enough to be upset.
Because tonight he took the hippo!! Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy! He still clutched one of the trains, but he used his other hand to hold and manipulate his lovey. :)
Here are a couple of pics of him over the past couple of days with his some of his new Christmas toys!
Playing with his Mr. Potato Head from Aunt S, Uncle D, A and K!
Enjoying some of the Jesus' birthday cake on Sunday!
Photographing the cat with his digital camera from Grandmommy and Papa! It actually takes pictures we can download!!!
Santa visited Tate and me yesterday. Yes, he made two trips to the Lone Star State. I had been telling Tate for the past month or so that Santa Claus was going to take all his sue-ys and give them to all the babies. Every day I talked about it. He would repeat it. Yet, I knew my sweet boy had no idea really what that would mean for him. No idea. Not a clue. I on the other hand was beside myself with worry, nerves, guilt, sadness and heartbreak.
Worry that it would take him days, weeks to get over this. Worry that he would never forgive me. Worry that I was making the wrong decision and that I should wait a bit longer. Worry that he would be so very hurt, so very sad and so very distraught.
Nervous because I knew it would entail some sleepless nights on both our parts. Nervous because I know how very attached he is to these pacifiers...whenever he's been upset lately he has wanted them, and I've given in because I knew we were counting down the days to being done with them.
Guilt because I'm the one who 'got' him to take the pacifier in the first place. I utilized Dr. Karp's method of 'teaching' him how to suck on the pacifiers, and it worked like a charm...obviously too well. Guilt because I should have taken it away when he was only 12-13 months old, and I didn't because he was so cute with it, and it kept him my baby. Guilt because he now has a crossbite that will need correction.
Sadness because I don't want my baby hurt at any point in time. Sadness because I hate to see him cry and be so very upset about something I can truly change (just give him the pacifier and move on to another time). Sadness because this is one of the last true remnants of his babyhood.
Heartbreak because seeing him so very upset just truly breaks my heart and almost brings me to tears and I just knew how very sad he was most likely going to be.
So, yesterday morning I had a little basket set up with a note from Tate to Santa. I then placed all the pacifiers I could find (about 20!) into a container. I had Tate put each one in the basket for Santa as well as the one in his mouth. That was a bit of a challenge, but he did it. But here's the caveat....he then didn't want his hippo lovey. He just threw it down on the floor and went on down the stairs to get in the car to go to daycare. That really broke my heart; I was not prepared for him to give up his lovey. This was really hard on me. I do not want the lovey to go. I love watching him drift off to sleep twisting and turning the hippo around and around. It's how I know he's really ready to go to sleep. I love that he loves this hippo, and I cannot say why. I do believe that once we get through this period of adjustment that he will most likely want his hippo as he finds it incredibly comforting, and probably moreso than the pacifier.
I put Tate in the car and ran back into the house to quickly remove the pacifiers from the basket and put in the 'presents' from Santa for Tate in appreciation of him giving his sue-ys to all the babies, especially Baby Jesus. The basket would be waiting for us upon our return at the end of the day.
Daycare pick-up was a chore. He hates, and I mean hates having his coat put on. I know it's big and bulky, but it's ridiculous the performance he puts on to prevent wearing his coat. And I take the thing off before I put him in his carseat usually, so he's not all jammed in there with his coat on, so what is the damn deal with wearing a coat? So with all the crying, moaning, laying on the floor I knew he was going to be beside himself and want a pacifier upon getting home and bingo! Many, many tears and whining on the drive home...he didn't even wait! But once home, he saw his presents and he was ecstatic! Sue-y was forgotten and those trains were all the rage. He went bonkers for them...such happiness. I kept trying to let him know Santa Claus had left the trains and books in exchange for all the sue-ys for all the babies.
Dinner went well and I decided to venture upstairs to start our bedtime routine with much trepidation. I let him carry his two new trains with him...an Edward and a talking Henry (Thomas trains). Not a tear. Not a peep. I got him bathed, lotioned up and pjs on. I rocked him and read a few stories, all the while he clutched his hippo and the trains. I put him in his crib with his trains and hippo and walked out to the tune of no tears. He asked for his sue-y one time and moved on. He wasn't particularly keen on having the hippo, so I just set it in the crib with him figuring in the middle of the night he might want it in his sleep.
He slept very well. I was surprised. Though it did take him until 8:30 to fall asleep; he tossed and turned. Sadly though at 2:40am he rolled over onto his Build-A-Bear Koala and triggered its music button which blared out "Who let the dogs out? WOO-WOO etc" Great. Just great. The first time he did it and it played out its tune I held my breath with the intention of going to the crib and removing the Koala. Before I could get over there he rolled over it a second time. This time he woke up.
I ended up holding him and rocking him until about 4:15. I had decided that no matter what time or how many times he wakes up during this transition that I am going to be there for him and if that means I have to rock him, walk with him or sleep with him; I will do it. This is going to be hard enough on him; I don't want him to feel completely abandoned, and since he is losing his greatest source of comfort, I want him to hopefully realize that I am always going to be his comfort.
We woke up at 5:45am and he immediately wanted out of the crib to play with his trains...not a mention of the pacifiers.
Drop-off was uneventful, though his teacher is off the rest of the week. I'm sure this is adding to his stress as he's a kid who absolutely thrives on routine. At pick-up we had another meltdown about the coat wearing; this one lasting much longer and had him just a-crying for his sue-y once in the car. He was so very sad; I could barely look at his face he had such a look of abject sadness, fear and abandonment. It was awful. Dinner was ok...pickiness has returned and he ate only yogurt and drank milk.
And then bedtime tonight. Absolutely heartbreaking. He was happily playing with his trains. He took Henry upstairs with him, and once we were in our room he wanted his sue-y to go with his hippo. And the tears and sadness started. Then he didn't want to use the potty (so I didn't push the issue) and he fought getting a bath like nobody's business and normally he loves bathtime. And once I started putting his lotion on and gave him his hippo the tears really started. Some full out heaving sobs, some quiet moaning. Once in his pjs I opted to forgo the sleep sack since he's not a fan to hopefully not make him even more sad.
I got in the rocking chair with him, dimmed the lights, turned on his lullaby music and started rocking him while I 'read' a few stories I know he loves that I know by heart like "Goodnight Moon" and "Central Park Serenade." All the while he cried and begged for his sue-y. He refused to put his head on my shoulder or on my chest which he loves to do. He would hold onto to the hippo for 5 minutes rubbing it like he loves to do, then throw it as hard as he could onto the floor. He would sit up and look into my eyes just sobbing. I sang to him, read more stories, rubbed his back and just tried to comfort him. After an hour I asked him if he wanted me to put him in his crib and he nodded yes. At this point he was just hiccuping and the tears were gone. It's like the light has gone out for him :( I placed him in his crib and told him how much I loved him. And walked out the door.
20 minutes later I saw him stand up in the crib (on the video monitor) and heave his big ole' pillow over the rail and onto the floor. He then laid back down, and he fell asleep around 8:30. I went back upstairs around 9 to retrieve the pillow and search for his hippo which I knew he had probably thrown out as well. Sure enough it was there on the floor.
He's sleeping now, 90 minutes later, and I know this will get better. But I just feel like a horrible parent. I am responsible for this. I bought the pacifiers. I gave them to him and didn't do my job as a parent to remove at an age where he would have been much more amenable to giving it up. Now he's being hurt because he's giving up his main source of comfort. I would be bereft as well.
Yet, I know this needs to be done. I know that it will only get harder. His emotional attachment is intense with this pacifier and I know it's better for his psyche to do it now. I just love him so much.
Love. That's all I can offer him these next few weeks, well for the rest of his life. Love will become his comfort. When he can't figure something out and gets frustrated I'll have to love him enough to help him and/or show him how to do it. When he wants something I don't want him to have I'll have to love him enough to try to help understand why not.
When he wakes up crying for his sue-y I'll be there with my loving arms to hold him through his fear and sadness. Hugs and kisses will abound. One day and one night at a time. And one day all he'll remember is the love.
“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom His favor rests" Luke 2:14
We are immensely blessed in this life of ours. It's been an amazing day for my sweet Tate and me. Celebrating the birth of our wonderful Savior. Of course though Tate 'understands' that today is the commemoration of Jesus' birth I know he doesn't understand the significance. I do know that someday he will.
Yesterday morning we came over to my parents' to spend a couple of nights for Christmas. It has been a rainy, chilly weekend, but cozy and warm. Tate has for some reason become my little shadow. He is constantly wanting me to hold him and pick him up. He is crawling into my lap every chance he gets. But I love it. Who wouldn't love cuddles with their best guy?
He took a 2 hour nap yesterday as well...unheard of for him when with me on the weekends, and even less heard of at my parents' house (always seems like being somewhere 'new' throws him off a bit. I got all our stuff into the house...presents, clothes, food...unbelievable how much stuff I had for a 2 day stay!
Once he finally woke up I got us both dressed and we left for the Children's Christmas Eve service at our church. I'm embarrassed to admit we haven't been to church much this past year. Once he became vocal and more mobile, I haven't taken him. I'm loathe to leave him in yet another 'daycare' setting at church; there is a Children's Service every Sunday, but it leaves me feeling like I haven't gone to church...there are big screens, lots of hand waving and just too much 'noise.' I am a fan of the traditional service..kneeling, prayerful meditation and calmness. But I do want Tate to know that worship is a part of our lives and its importance, so we will start making more pilgrimmages in the future. Maybe we'll rotate the services we go to. It was so nice when he would just sleep in his carseat :) He had a great time at the service; we joined the procession of the gospel and sat in front with all the other kiddos while the reading of the gospel and Larry's sermon. He was enthralled the entire time. He sat on my lap and didn't move. While in the pew he was still and just enjoyed himself. My sweet sweet boy.
We got home home in the chilly rain, got some dinner for both of us and my cutie was in bed off to dreamland by 7:15! I reminded him several times that Santa Claus was coming and that he would be coming to take Tate's sue-ys on Monday for all the babies and that when he woke up it would be Jesus' birthday. He was of course thrilled about the birthday celebration, much less so about the loss of the sue-y.
And it was the last evening of Advent. He opened his last book of the season. It was the Charlie Brown Christmas story; Tate was not a fan, but no matter I love it. We read 'The Little Drummer Boy' as well as a couple of other books that stay at Grandmommy and Papa's and he was a happy boy.
I spent the next 3 hours putting together his train table. Quite a feat for me as I am definitely not mechanically or any kind of inclined. Afterwards 'Santa' left the rest of the gifts as well. Our family tradition has always been that the unwrapped gifts are from Santa Claus and the wrapped gifts from everyone else. Someone suggested to me last year to ensure that the big gifts didn't always come from Santa Claus, that mommies and daddies need to be known that they give great gifts as well. Here are a few pics of the tree here at my mom's pre and post Santa :)
He woke up this morning, Christmas, at 5:15! Just his usual M.O. :) He pointed outside and said 'it's dark!' I reminded him that yes it was and he needed to go back to sleep, so into bed with me he went. That lasted about 25 minutes. So I gave in and let him watch his Thomas the Train Christmas DVD which only gave me another 20 minutes before he was squealing about wanting yogurt raisins...so not part of his breakfast routine! So I promised him oatmeal and out we went to go to the kitchen during which we would have to pass the living room! And on our way, this is what he found!!!
He was enthralled with the train set and table. Breakfast was promptly forgotten. Grandmommy, Papa and Aunt Lindsey joined us about 30 minutes later for more present opening. Tate vacillated between wanting to open and then becoming bored and/or overwhelmed. I opted to not have him open all his gifts at once as I mentioned in my previous post. He actually still has 3 presents left to open. Other big hits were another train set from his Oma and Opa in Frankfurt, Germany (who are so generous to my sweet boy.)
He had an absolutely great day. And oh my goodness it's like he knows that the pacifiers are on the way out. Every time he got upset, which was most often when he couldn't get his trains to work right...he gets so frustrated...he would run off to find his sue-y and his hippo. And that breaks my heart because he finds such comfort in those two and that combination. I keep trying to remind him that he's going to keep his hippo, but I don't know if he understands that. And yesterday as we were leaving church and he was crying because he didn't want to he put his two fingers in his mouth to help soothe himself. If he continues with that in place of the pacifier I'm going to have to go back to the pacifier and try again in 4-6 weeks.
Later in the morning we decorated the birthday cake for Jesus. Tate loved loved loved my homemade icing :) We got the cake iced and in crude writing got it 'addressed'. I let Tate go with the sprinkles. He had an absolute blast!
We didn't get to have any today, so I'm looking forward to tasting our creation tomorrow!
My sister and her family came over while Tate was napping. Her 4 1/2 year old son and Tate usually have a great time together. Today, S (my nephew) was just all over the place like all good 4 year olds tend to be on Christmas, while Tate was just his mellow self as Christmas just doesn't hold that big thrill for him. Yet.
My mom prepared an amazing meal as always with all of us pitching in with our favorite dishes! (not counting the small kitchen fire...yikes!).
This was Tate's favorite position all day....
What a wonderful Christmas. I always hope to keep this feeling of love and joy with me the entire year, sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. But that's life I suppose in this human form. Christ understands and that's why He has this birthday to celebrate...to be there for us certainly when we don't succeed as well as when we do. I hope He has enjoyed this day and knows how very much Tate and I love Him.
Tate and I spent the day together doing alot of nothing. I can't even figure out what we did all day. I do remember looking at the clock at 2:36 thinking 'what am I going to do to entertain him for another 4 1/2 hours?' We did have a few meltdowns...tears from him, raised voices from me, but overall we had an ok day :)
This evening I fed him early, put on his jammies with no bath, let him choose his Advent gift then bundled him into the car to go look at the Christmas lights in Uptown Park. There is a gorgeous display there (see below). Tate wasn't as enthused as I expected him to be, but no matter, he had fun nonetheless as is evidenced in the video. On the way home, I drove us through the richest area here in Houston, River Oaks, and enjoyed the majestic, over the top lights of the oh-so-rich. (Yay! Tate fell asleep...as I wanted him to!)
Tonight was the 23rd day of Advent. Tate seems to still be excited for it to be Jesus' birthday and I'm so thrilled. I ran to Whole Foods the other day and ordered a 9 inch egg-free chocolate cake for us to decorate for the Baby Jesus. I bought icing and sprinkles today, so I hope Tate will enjoy icing the cake this weekend.
He really enjoyed his book yesterday for the 22nd day of Advent. Mickey Mouse is always a hit for my little guy.
And on the 21st day he opened the Bernstein Bears. A little too old for him with all the words, but we got through to the second to last page before he went off in search of Thomas.
He slept until 6 on Wednesday morning which had me at 5:30 in a panic when I woke with a start. I checked the time and realized I had not heard a single peep from him all night. I ran to the crib to make sure he was still breathing. I almost had a heart attack in the time it took me to run those 10 feet. He woke up just before 6...I wonder had I not had a panic attack would he have slept longer. He opted to save me from myself on Thursday morning and woke around 5:15. I reassured him that it was still nighttime and brought him into bed with me. The 4:54 wake up this morning made me less than thrilled, though I had gotten into bed last night around 9:45pm. I've been sleeping poorly as Christian and I are having some issues (not related to Tate) and I'm hurting right now, so that adds to my poor sleep. But the joy of celebrating the birth of our Savior is smoothing all the hurt away. It will all work out the way God intends.
So as we go into this Christmas weekend, I'm excited, joyful and full of the spirit. I anticipate that Tate will be quite overwhelmed with the amount of gifts he is going to receive. As I loaded up my sister's SUV today and more people brought more presents over after she left I was in a bit of shock. I'm thinking we will open presents in stages simply so that he can sit and have some time to enjoy what he's receiving as well as it not just be all about the gift getting. Yes, Christmas is for children, but it's for children for a specific reason in my opinion...because we're celebrating the birth of a beautiful child. We give gifts supposedly in remembrance of the gifts He received from all those that loved Him.
And give a quick read to my sweet friend's Lara's latest post...'I'm Going to Wrap Just One More' in her blog 'This May be a Dream Come True.' She is being sure to have a gift wrapped for herself from Santa Claus, so her sons will hopefully know that Santa is for everyone, as he is. Whatever we feel about Santa Claus and what he stands for, we mothers, parents, fathers need to remember our children are watching our every single move. They notice when we're left out. They want us to feel the love of Santa too. I'm going to remember that going forward from this year. Next year there will be a gift from Santa to Mommy. Thank you my sweet friend!
