Without Tate.
I'm on my first trip without Tate.
My first time to leave the state without Tate.
My first time to be more than 28 miles away from Tate.
I spent the last week incredibly stressed, worried, scared, heartbroken, excited and ambivalent.
My fantastic sister Lindsey picked him up from daycare yesterday and stayed with him at our house. My parents came to the house this morning to take him to swim lessons then back to daycare. The plan was for Lindsey to pick him up from daycare and spend the night at my place with him again tonight with my parents arriving tomorrow morning in time for her to go running in the am and get him off to his 11:15 soccer class then spend the day with him and night at my place.
However, Lindsey had a horrible time sleeping with Tate last night (apparently, he's a bit of a kicker!), so my parents came over this evening, and my dad is sleeping with him tonight :). Isn't my dad absolutely awesome??? Lindsey and my mom are sleeping downstairs in Tate's room. I love my family...they are just so amazing. I know it would have been easier if Tate was sleeping in his own room, so I'm definitely going to have to help him make this transition to his own bed.
So, yesterday I worked until noon, then ran home to do a few last minute things. My house was covered with little notes and instructions for everyone :)...my anal retentiveness and need for control reach across state lines. But I can say I do all that to try to make is so much easier for everyone.
After last minute packing and a quick run to the drug store I stopped by Tate's school to say good-bye. He was sound asleep! My kid who never naps at school was out!!! (This did not bode well for an easy night for Aunt Lindsey with him!). I gently woke him up with hugs and cuddles. I gave him the chocolate covered pretzel I had from Valentine's Day and we hung out in the hallway. I got a hug and a kiss and I walked out to my car and drove to the airport.
I had thought I would cry, but I held it together. I also don't think Tate really realized what was happening or how long he would be without me. I had told him I would be gone for three sleeps and that he was going to have tons of fun with his Aunt Lindsey and grandparents. He seemed ok with it. That's the reason I wanted him to stay at his own house and be in his normal routine. It was important to me that as much as possible stayed 'normal'. I think that's the biggest 'problem' for kids of single parents; when that single parent leaves they often not only have their only parent gone, but they also have to leave their routine by staying with someone else. Who knows? He probably would have been fine staying at my parents', but I thought this would be easier.
For both of us.
I face-timed with him yesterday evening and he seemed happy to talk to me. I spoke with his teacher today and he was a bit weepy at naptime apparently, and they were worried it was because I was gone, so they tried to help him through it a bit. So I didn't talk to him today worried it would only upset him.
I am doing ok. I 110% did not want to come on this trip. For obvious reasons, of course; I didn't want to be this far from Tate.
Also, I didn't want to come because I basically came because all the other docs in the practice were coming and I didn't want to feel any more left out than I already do. I felt like I 'had' to come, if that makes sense. Part of me also thought if I left Tate for the first time to do something I wasn't all that thrilled about that I wouldn't feel so bad. Because I feel like if I had left to do something 'fun' that I would feel bad for having a good time....isn't that the most warped thinking EVER?
So, I'm here in Memphis. It hasn't been all that bad though. I miss his little face, his hugs, his smiles and just him. But it is nice to be able to sleep in a bed all by myself. It's nice to have the television on in a hotel room :). I'm watching 'The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon' and loving it!! JT is on!!!!!!
I've had a better time that I anticipated which is really nice. I don't have alot in common with my friends who I'm here with...none of them have kids, two are just barely 30, the other 4 are my age or a bit older. They all go out to eat to hip and trendy restaurants, are partnered/coupled, watch adult television. The younger ones are living the life I lived at their age, and I hope they LOVE it like I did. The older ones are just continuing to live the life I lived. I don't consider myself the mom who only wants mom friends because I don't want that. I strive to make sure I have fun without my child and enjoy my life as a daughter, friend and sister. I try so hard not be be defined as being a mom only because I realize that in just a few short years, and I mean like 3-4 years!, Tate will be pulling away from me to enjoy his life as his own person. I don't want to be home wondering where all my friends are. I don't want to be lonely because I didn't foster these relationships that were so important to me before he was born. I don't want to have my empty nest, because I truly believe the empty nest can start when your child is 7 or 8. I love these awesome women and men who add so much love, joy and happiness to my life.
Just like my sweet boy. He adds so much joy, love and happiness to my life!!
Two more sleeps!! Two more sleeps!!
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| Lindsey texted me this picture this evening. Apparently the kids made gold medals today in school in honor of the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics. I cannot wait to see this boy in TWO SLEEPS!!! |
2 comments:
I'm glad your trip wasn't longer--I know you'll be glad when it's over but you'll also be glad you went.
Umm, empty nest when they are 7-8 years old? Now I'm really depressed. I thought I had ten more years (and I was already worried about that).
I'm really glad you made the trip. It sounds like you got a lot of great things out of it.
And I think it's important for our kids to learn to be okay for a night or two (or three) without us. You never know when some unforseen emergency could take us away from then. Less likely for you, perhaps, with your family local than for me. But still, it's a good skill for kids to have. Better for him to acquire it now, when you have the ability to prepare him.
As for Skyping, though... I've chosen not to call or Skype with Calliope when I am away. As much as I miss her, I think it's better for her to stay busy and engaged. And at those times where she's missing me, at bedtime and naptime, seeing me would make it worse. I saw this even with much older kids when I was a camp counselor. Talking to a parent is the worst thing you can do when you are homesick.
So I think you made the right call to skip it the second and third nights.
Hopefully the next trip will be a lot easier! And more fun, too!
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