Being Valued

Well goodness, it's almost time to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr's birthday.  Meaning we are almost halfway through January 2014!!!

It's been a weird few months, probably why I haven't really blogged much except to keep up the goings ons of our little lives.  We've been having an amazing year together, Tate and me.  I love love love seeing the little boy he's becoming.  Just tonight as I stood on the steps while he ran over to the counter to get his beloved hippo I thought to myself "That's my son, my little boy." with such a feeling of awe.  That little boy with his funny smile, quirky laugh, quick to tears and big hugs is my little boy.

Then life gets in the way of my enjoyment of my biggest joy, being Tate's mom.  Life just barges in, doesn't it?  And I have a great life...I have an amazing family, some absolutely fantastic friends, and a  most loving God.

If only the place where I spend 9 hours a day, 4 days a week could bring me some joy, some peace, some happiness, some anything.  I'm 46 years old.  I've been doing this job on some level for 21 years.  I've been actively practicing pediatric dentistry for 14 years.  And I'm pretty good at it.  I may not be the smartest one out there, but you won't find many out there who takes what she does so much to heart.  But here's the thing...my son and my family are the most important part of my life.  My friends come an extremely close second.  It's so hard to work in an environment where that is not the case for those you work closest with.  Like when I wasn't allowed to go to my uncle's funeral this summer;  for those who are not close to their families they can't possibly understand what that would be like, to not go.  Noone understood how devastated I was to lose my Uncle Wade like my family would have been in Virginia.  You don't go to funerals just to pay respect to the departed, you go for consolation, love, understanding and grieving together, supporting one another.  Because only those who loved like you did truly understand.

And then there's being a mom.  Being a mom.  For as far back as I can remember I have always just wanted to be a mom.  I waited 41 years to achieve my life's goal.  I never knew it would be so hard to be a mom and work full time in this career.  I never knew.  And I definitely didn't know how hard it would be to be a single mom, working full time in this career.  Most assuredly I didn't know how hard it would be to be a single mom, working full time, working for someone who doesn't have kids in this career.

My priority is my child.  And that's seemingly difficult for those who don't have kids to truly understand.  I don't want to leave work on time to go get a massage, or go watch a basketball game or go watch a movie;  I want to leave work on time because I want to spend some time with my child.  My child who needs his mother.  My child who craves some time with his mother that is not spent rushing around making dinner, making lunches, bathing him, putting him to bed.  I crave that time with my child as well.  Do I feel like I'm a better person because I have a child to care for?  Heck no.  Does my life have more value because I have a child?  Of course not.  Do I expect others to carry my load so I can be with my child?  Never.

But I don't appreciate being made to feel left out, undervalued, not needed or an afterthought because I don't have the time or energy to attend dental meetings or events now that I have a responsibility to my child.  I don't like being made to feel less worthy or not part of the team.  I've paid my dues in the years prior to having my son.  I've been the dental cheerleader.

It's hard enough being a parent.  Harder still sometimes to be a single parent.  Even harder  to be a working parent when you feel undervalued and unwanted for 40 hours a week.

Then I come home, and I know why I put up with it.  I see that sweet face when I arrive at daycare to pick him up.  Of all the people in the world that he knows, HE values me the most.  HE wants me the most.

I'll get up tomorrow and start all over.  He's absolutely worth it.  I want to be his cheerleader.