Heart Pounding

I find myself here at work this afternoon heart pounding, with nerves a-flutter and very near tears.

Tate is having surgery tomorrow to remove some redundant tissue from the underside of his penis as well as to have his circumcision revised.  Actually the circumcision revision will take care of the redundant tissue/cyst whatever it's clinical name is.

General anesthesia.

Again.

As a medical professional I know general anesthesia, though carrying some risks, is relatively safe and that our anesthesiologist is a pediatric one and our pediatric surgeon is revered as one of the best in the country.

As a mother though I'm scared for my baby having to be put to sleep again.  Maybe I know too much, but I don't think it should be taken lightly.  And then there is my constant worry of 'Am I doing the right thing here?'  How long will he be uncomfortable or in pain?  How horrified is he going to be when they take him from me tomorrow to go back to the surgical suite alone?  How scared will he be when a group of strangers, one he has only met once takes him from the one person he has seen every single day of his life?  Please don't cry little boy.   Please little Tate.  The doc says he will treat him as his own, and I trust that to an extent, but he's not his own.  How upset will he be when we get home and he's hurting?  How will he understand that I really can't make it go away? 

Certainly I know on the scale of surgical procedures and outcomes I'm on the very, very good side.  I know that.  I'm grateful for that. 

But that doesn't make it any easier in this space and in this time.

I wish the procedure had been done 'better' the first time.  I wish I had been more proactive in my aftercare.  I wish, I wish, I wish...

My mom is coming with us, though she will probably be more nervous than me :)  But just the sheer making this decision alone is daunting.  And everyone perceives me as being this strong, confident, capable woman and mother, but I'm just a mess inside.  Full of worry and fear.  These are the times I desperately wish I had a partner in this child raising journey, someone to hold me when I'm scared, someone to talk this through with, someone to be as emotionally attached to  my child as I am who can reassure me 'WE are doing the right thing.'

But it's just me.  Just me and Tate ultimately. 

So tonight I will get on my knees and pray.  Pray that my loving God will guide the hands of his surgeon, that He will enable the anesthesiologist to make good and proper choices for Tate and to lift up the hearts and minds of  the nurses and all the other staff present in the room with my precious boy.  I'll pray that He'll be with Tate and with  me.  And I'll pray that when Tate is without me that God will wrap him up in His arms and keep him safe when I'm not there to do so myself.